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Birth clubs

Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

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Original poster

please can someone spare 2 mins to talk to me?

48 replies

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:39

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today and my bf has just packed his bags and walked out. He says it's only a break but he has packed all huis stuff and told me he has no feelings for me and the baby (which we planned) is not enough for him to stay. My pregnancy has unmasked a depression which has mainly involved me getting very upset at hurtful things he says to me.For example, he says I haven't involved him in the pregnancy. I have asked him to come to the appointments, found week by week websites, bought him "From Here to Paternity". From what I can gather the fact that I chose the hospital and I decided to have the odd cup of coffee is proof that I don't involve him. He has said our relationship is "bullshit" and he has no feelings for me. I am his first adult relationship, he is 36 and we had been together a year. I feel devastated. I accept I have a problem and have been to the GP and got myself referred. He just couldn't accept that it was his behaviour that was making me so upset. I'm not like that with anyone else.He initially said he would be here from me with the depression but has now changed his mind. I have a 7 year old daughter and I'm just feeling so ridiculously bad about this. What can I do to be normal happy mummy come 5pm? He has just sent me a text right now saying "so much for putting the baby first" which is what I said I'm doing. Could someone please get in touch and tell me I'm not going totally mad.

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madmarchhare · 13/07/2007 09:41

Its sounds to me like he is just making up excuses to make you feel it is your fault

Scootergrrrl · 13/07/2007 09:42

You're not going mad. Sometimes preganancy can bring out strange things in men, especially if they have less relationship experience.
Do you want him to come back?

RubySlippers · 13/07/2007 09:43

you aren't going mad - he has really hurt you by the sounds of things and as MMH says making up excuses to leave
have you got anyone near you in RL that can come and give you a real shoulder to cry on?

EllieG · 13/07/2007 09:44

I'm so sorry for you 6weeks, sounds like a horrible time.
You say you are his first adult relationship at 36? And it sounds like you have tried to involve him but he doesn't want to be involved. Don't know him but it sounds like he doesn't have a good idea about how relationships work if he is doing this.
What is the problem you have referred yourself to GP for? If you don't mind me asking.
Have you got family/friends support today? Don't think you should be by yourself.
Lots of hugs x

MaeBee · 13/07/2007 09:45

you are not totally mad. being pregnant is an emotional and difficult time for most women, i know i wept at the drop of a hat. he sounds completely immature. how come you are his first adult relationship at 36 ? that rings a few bells for me.
i think its ok to tell your daughter you are having a difficult day. you don't need to go into details. maybe you can do something nice together at 5, which doesn't involve you being false and happy, but something comforting so she will know its not her you are upset with.
how old are you? is he much older than you?
is there anyone you can talk to on the phone or is it as easy to talk on mumsnet?
have you suffered from depression before? because if not, i woudnt say that being really upset during early pregnancy is depression, its very normal.

brandnewhelsy · 13/07/2007 09:45

Getting upset at very hurtful things doens't sound like depression, it sounds normal. It also sounds as though he's turning it round to make this your fault. 6 weeks isn't long, presumably you've not known long. What does he expect? Will he talk to you sensibly? Do you want him back? First adult relationship at 36 - is he running scared?

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:46

No, I don't really have anyone local, my family are 200 miles away and my friends are all miles away or at work. He has just phoned to check I'm not going to do anything stupid and to remind me that he left because I was hurting him so much. Thank you for all your responses.

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EscapeFrom · 13/07/2007 09:46

You have done nothing wrong. You have somehow ended up involved with a 36 year old primary school child.

BUT

This must have been one hell of a shock, and this may not be truly the end - this may be him panicking!

Let him pack his bags, let him go, and see if he comes back.

lissie · 13/07/2007 09:47

agree, it sounds like he's trying to blame you for his problems. dh went a bit wild when i was pg with ds, i think most men panic a bit, but the way he has behaved is inexcusable. where in the uk are you?

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:48

His mother was/is mentally unstable and therefore he has a problem with crying women. I don't know if I want him back but this isn't what I planned. I have my daughter to consider first and I need to do what is right for her and my 6 week old embryo. Btw she wasn't here when all this happened.

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PeachesMcLean · 13/07/2007 09:48

You're not going mad. Poor you. He's being selfish and manipulative.
As scootergrrrl says, Do you want him back? It may be that once he's got used to the idea of you being pregnant, he wheedles his way back in. Be clear about what you want and how it needs to go forwards. Putting the baby first, which you're right to do, means putting yourself first at this stage. You need to be happy.

LittleLupin · 13/07/2007 09:48

It is NOT your fault. He is freaking out totally and trying to justify his own atrocious behaviour.

I hope things work out for you. And congratulations on your pregnancy

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:48

I'm in East London.

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EscapeFrom · 13/07/2007 09:50

He has suddenly realised that you cannot and will not replace his mother for him, that's why he's freaking - you have a tiny thing inside you that will get priority over him, and it's a shock

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:51

EllieG, the GP diagnosed anxiety.

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Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:52

and referred me to a clinical psychologist for an assessment for therapy.

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Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:52

And the bloody ironic thing ofa ll this is he wants to be a counsellor

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runawayquickly · 13/07/2007 09:53

Perhaps he's scared - we all have this expectation of what parenthood is going to be like and he doesn't feel like a 'bullshit' (his words) relationship could support parenthood? God, he needs to realise no-one has a perfect relationship but then maybe experience is lacking on his part.
It really sounds to me like he's had one of those very early wobblers loads of pregnant parents go through. I remember sobbing 'WHAT IF I DON'T LIIIIIKE IT?' and dh saying 'you probably won't a lot of the time. Get over it!'

Is there someone who could look after dd and give you a bit of time to sort things out? I really feel for you - it's not easy trying to holdit together when things go wrong. Sending you love x

butterbeer · 13/07/2007 09:53

You're not goin mad. He's behaving like a git and trying to make out that it's your fault.

You're only 6 weeks pregnant, for goodness' sake how involved does he think he can get? His main opportunity for involvement at this stage is being supportive and encouraging an opportunity that he's signally failed to take.

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:55

runawayquickly, I have to take my daughter to a friends' party tomorrow in Lewes as they might be taking her away to a festival with them. But she is going to be at her dad's sat night and sunday.

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butterbeer · 13/07/2007 09:56

He didn't leave "because you were hurting him so much". He left because he can't cope with an adult relationship with its ups and downs.

Quite likely he'll want to come back later, but I think you should think carefully about whether you want him to. If this is his standard response to stress then it could easily become a recurring pattern.

runawayquickly · 13/07/2007 09:58

Where has bf gone? He's made the first move in that at least he's called to check on you, so I would ask him to come back on Sat night to talk. Could you do that without losing it? Bloody hell, at 6 weeks it's near impossible to make a shopping list without crying, never mind have crisis relationship talks. I hope he understands that xx

MaeBee · 13/07/2007 10:00

put this thread on your mumsnet local site. someone will be living close.
x

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:00

Butterbeer, this is what I have thought too. A relationship is precisely being there for the other when it gets tough, at least that's my view. I can't be living with a man who can't be there when I need him most and who can walk out leaving his pregnant girlfriend sobbing on the floor. I also feel bad because I feel I lost my dignity. He has a therapist and he tells me all the stuff she says about me.And how she is concerned for him.

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Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:01

Maebee, how do I do that?

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