October 2013 - Are we neary *there* yet?!

[MrsHoratioNelson]

Welcome, welcome, sit down, put your feet up.

Spreadsheet here

Wow men can be such arsewipes. I'm sorry so many people are having or have had problems :(

Sorry you're going through the same flyer.

I completely agree about the emotional side of things flyer the messages about how he would marry her if he wasnt already married to me hurt more than the ones about her amazing boobs because it makes me feel like I dont know him. It also highlights that he has been really off with me the past few weeks and think ive just been too tired and stressef to really notice the lack of attentiveness.
Just wanted to say thankyou to you all for sharing your experiences I had no idea things like this were so common but is giving me hope that hes just made a mistake and isnt really an awful person that I just havent noticed for the past 4 yrs. xx

Oh pink and flyer I'm so sorry . Bad enough at any time but how could they when you are pregnant. This happened to my friend and its heartbreaking. Agree that you need to confront them and make them realise how hurtful it is. Hope you can both resolve your situations x

I'm getting punched (at least I think that's what it is) in the bladder. It's a horrible feeling and I really squirm every time he does it. I'm hoping he's still head down.

Wow gt you are nearly there!

Yes Sparkleigh I think you are right, it's revenge....

He wont go to counselling as he says he has acutally done nothing wrong (meaning not slept with anyone) he says these things are silly but innocent lads banter...Idiot.

Flyer so sorry you are going through the same and thank you for sharing with us.

We had to have couples sessions before we got married too and although I didn't feel we really talked much in the session with the chaplain it did get us talking a lot afterwards.

It does seem to be really common in pregnancy, I guess it is a time of massive changes, financial pressure, your body is changing, drop in sex life and physical closeness, tiredness, realising you are going to be responsible for a new little person and feeling very vulnerable. Again not an excuse but lots of things to put a strain on a relationship.

I really hope both of you can talk about it and begin to rebuild trust.

Thanks Orange and other ladies.

Pink you said you wanted to throw something at his head, when i found fb messages and we had a massive row i threw his ipad out the bathroom window. Luckily it was night time and the neighbours can't see.

All I wanted was to have a happy pregnancy and it's been quite the opposite. I'm just worried this poor baby will come out a bag of nerves as i've been so anxious, stressed out and teary all through my pregnancy.

flyer & pink I'm so sorry to read your rotten experiences. I don't have any advice really,I know if I start it will just turn into a massive rant against your husband/partner .

I'd like to say though that I am firmly in agreement that it's the emotional side of things that is worst because you can't unsee what you've read & it can be so hard to move past what you have seen them say/write about you & your relationship.

I know I said I wasn't going to try & advise but,I would suggest you both take as tough a line as you possibly can bear to. Both men need to know that this is unacceptable & will not be tolerated - I tend to think that often if men don't have this pointed out to them clearly enough,many of them will think they can continue to get away with it. I would hate for either of you to have to deal with this again. They stand to lose a lot & this should be made exceptionally clear to them.

I am so sorry for the positions you find yourselves in. I should think a lot of us have been there,I know I have but I didn't have the added trauma of being pregnant.

We are all capable of making mistakes,but repeated "mistakes" need to be dealt with & make the perpetrator understand how wrong & hurtful their behaviour is. Really sorry for the long delay - writing this on my phone & my mother rang. We all know how long those chats can be!

Just can't believe what some of you are having to deal with.
There is not enough and in the world to make these situations better.
Sounds like you have a very supportive family, Flyer, which is at least something. Is there anyone in real life that can give you a mahoosive hug, pinkbuttons?

Pink and flyer very difficult for you. No advice from me. But lots of hugs.

Legally I was induced at 38 as I had OC. The pessary didn't work. They put an epidural in with the drip. So didn't feel contractions. Well actually I could feel the contraction/tightness in my tummy. So I knew when to push. But no pain.

Right off to ikea! Wish my SPD luck

flyer I had a pretty stressful life when expecting DS,he is remarkably chilled out. Your baby will be fine,I just hope you can nip DP's unreasonable behaviour in the bud. He is being deeply unfair & his attitude is making me feel very uneasy,so I can't imagine how shit you must feel about it. Perhaps a week/end with your parents would help you distance yourself from the situation & force him to sort himself out.

Life gets more complicated once your baby is here (in my experience anyway,but I do appreciate that many of our issues may have arisen from the fact that we had only been together a year by the time DS was born),you need to be able to trust & rely on DP in the weeks & months after your baby arrives,otherwise you'll (I would) drive yourself mad wondering. Would your dad have a word with him,or is that out of the question? Hugs to you (and pink) it's horrible what you're dealing with.

I understand about you not wanting to share in RL pink, because you see that you can get past this and don't want everyone else knowing about it afterwards, even though you have nothing to be ashamed of I wouldn't want friends and family talking about it or to have a lesser opinion of my DH or our marriage (even if he deserved it!). I am a very private person though.

I am so sad that your partners have put you in this position and agree with tucking that repeated 'mistakes' are really not on flyer. The things both men have said are very hurtful. Do they have friends that behave in a similar way? I don't see it as innocent lads banter.

pink and flyer I just want to give you the biggest hug right now... this is so hurtful and upsetting, and such a difficult time for you to have to deal with it... xxx

Sadly, it also happened to my friend when she was 7 months pregnant and she was in pieces for months. They managed to patch things up although I believe he did much more than your DH / DP. And one guy from work who used to have hots for me in the past sent me some dirty messages last month suggesting we meet up (the sad bastard didn't know that I knew his wife was about to give birth and he didn't know that I was also 7 months pregnant. What an idiot) So it seems pregnancy is notorious for these things but it only makes me more angry at men - exactly when women need most love and support...

I would talk to them about it as, like flyer, I just can't be quiet and wait for things to resolve themselves... I'm the kind throwing ipads out of the window... and I agree with you and everyone here - the words and emotional betrayal is in many ways worse as perhaps we can somehow explain to ourselves that a one night stand and physical act is not necessarily a reflection on us, but how they talk about our relationship and how they justify their actions is a reflection on us. I think you will know best how to talk to them as every situation is different and nothing is ever black and white. Are they doing it to distract themselves from stress and new pressures? Or to prove to themselves that "they still could"... as men are weird this way - they always need to feel that "they still could" even if they don't anything in the end. And flyer I think the fact that he is quoting your one mistake as a justification for his behaviour time after time is low... you can't allow for it to happen again. He either forgives and moves on or else. Otherwise it turns into some kind of emotional abuse

Massive hugs to both of you xxxx

Well done clapham your last comments to flyer say exactly what I was trying to say without putting my foot in it. You have said it more eloquently & gently than I would have managed.

oh and flyer I was asking my GP about stress and the baby a couple of months ago when I got signed off for stress back then for other reasons. She laughed and really reassured me that babies are very reliant little things and won't be affected. Think of babies born to mums in war zones or even women who are seriously mentally ill - they have normal babies untouched by all this stress. Plus placenta protects our babies a lot also from cortisol. She took a lot of time to really reassure me. So don't worry xxx

flyer & pink, I can't add anything more to the wise words already said. I wish you big heartwarming hugs and the strength to raise and resolve the issue. Some men are real idiots.

I hate to momentarily digress from a serious topic, but has anyone else noticed the new smiley below? why tennis? what am i missing?!?

Sorry to hear about your predicaments flyer and pink. Men really handle situations so wrong at times. Feel free to have a good vent on here

US Open?
But if you think of it of balls, rather than tennis - it's quite a good swear word substitute

I agree with you all ladies. I feel he thinks he has me over a barrell as i'm financially dependant on him somewhat, not pre pregnancy but if I were to leave him now truthfully i'd be bloody skint....Although he would have to give me maintenance it's a major worry living on the breadline. My parents would help me lots, i'm very lucky but it's not their responsibility and they are retired and don't need all this stress. My mum said she hasn't been sleeping because she is so worried about me, this makes me determined to try and work things out. My sister said she would move in with me to help look after the baby in the evenings and when i return to work, which is so lovely.

As for my dad having a word with him. My dad isn't really this kind of person, he is a quiet man and totally opposite to dp. When my sisters boyfriend left her high and dry my dad literally wanted to kill him, so i'd rather he not get involved.

The thing is dp comes from a really decent respectable family, his mum and dad are very happy together and if they knew what he had been upto they would be so let down by him.

I agree Flyer that he either has to accept the past and move on together with a clean slate. Or he has to say that he can't and you both have to decide what to do for the best. Having this hanging over you both is so difficult.

Oh and Clapham it's very much of a "See if i've still got it" thing with dp, he has a fragile ego and I tell him things as it is, I don't sugar coat things, so until these incidents i've never been a walk over....If there was no child involved I wouldn't be with him tbh.

Mary our cleaner knows all what's happened as she is like my surrogate mum in liverpool her words are "What the F&*K is he playing at, he won't get any better than you" bless her.

Frankly,he's treating you like shit flyer & you don't deserve it. I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you look into how much support you might get from child tax credits/child benefit etc if you were to decide to go it alone. Obviously I hope it doesn't come to that if you love him & think the two of you can move forward,but as I have mentioned before,I nearly kicked DP out for being a lazy bastard last year,I looked at www.entitledto.co.uk & the direct.gov websites & would actually have been better off financially. Fortunately we were able to sort ourselves out,but it was a huge relief to me to know I wouldn't sink into poverty if we did split up.

A large part of my reason for contemplating a split was the dreadful example of a "loving relationship" we were setting our son. His dad was lazy & showed me no respect around the house & in turn I was grumpy,resentful & monosyllabic. I think the fact that you acknowledge he feels he has control financially is worrying in itself & even worse is the fact that your mum can see from the outside how unbalanced the relationship is & that it is affecting her so much is a huge warning sign. I really hope I don't upset you further & am horribly aware that you are at work & very pregnant ,but I hate to think of you stuck in this predicament. Consider all your options. Think about the example that an unfair relationship would set to your child - boy or girl,it wouldn't be a good one. Would you want your daughter to end up in an unequal "partnership" or would you be proud to know your son was treating his girlfriend the way his father treated you? Of course not. Perhaps his dad should be informed of his son's behaviour... I know I probably seem immature suggesting involvement of parents & if you weren't pregnant & vulnerable I wouldn't think of it,but he needs someone to point out to him just how unreasonable & cruel he is being. It isn't a coincidence that midwives ask whether you are in an abusive relationship & tell you that many men become abusive when you are at your most vulnerable (pregnant or with a newborn). Financially controlling behaviour & emotional affairs are not standard behaviour. I wish I could come and have a pregnancy rage at him. Someone needs to stop him thinking he can treat you however he likes.

For me, the crucial phrase is 'if it weren't for the child, I wouldn't be with him'
If you really believe this, then I would be seriously looking at your options. X

There you go - you've pretty much said what I was trying to say without saying it! If there wasn't a child involved you'd have walked by now. Don't let having a child tie you to someone you are not happy with. Your partner can still have involvement with his child. You need to be happy in yourself in order to be the very best mum you can be. I think the fact that you can say that you wouldn't be with him if you weren't expecting his child counts for a huge amount. You may well be pregnant,you may well be a bit vulnerable BUT you are still that strong woman who flies the world,knows her own mind & doesn't settle for second best. Perhaps leaving him & letting him see that he hasn't diminished your strong will & character will be enough to straighten him out. Either way you know you'll be fine.