BROOKING NO ARGUMENT for pain-free sneeze births and an abundance of empty birthing pools - pt 12!

[FluffyJawsOfDoom]

I think this is the first time I've ever started a brooking thread!

tock your post was so lovely it really made me smile, especially thinking of little bums on potties....

I agree with Stacks I feel so odd telling people I'm pregnant. But then having DP being so proud of himself is also annoying, it's not like he did anything special or unusual phnar it just happened. Now I'm doing all the work while he has a big proud grin on his face and rubs my belly all the time.
Gosh don't I sound a bit mean! I love it when DP rubs my belly hopefully then people realise I'm pregnant and not just fat and he is a big cute softy. :o

Yay Little! Such wonderful news. Have some and a nice decaf

Thanks Nutella - yes, it's weird and a bit attention-grabbing making the pg announcement, no way round that one, but maybe make the most of your DP being proud; I think that's lovely. Mine just goes a bit quiet about it all (and hates telling anyone, plus he worries about me (even though I am the picture of health, bar hay fever, and over the moon about being diffed). I would like to think he's excited about the baby but that doesn't ever seem to happen til the LO arrives, or it didn't last time. Your DP will have his work cut out then, of course, so let him glow a bit first!

Btw - we are having a BBQ with a few friends, mostly old-timers, in 10 days. We need to tell some of these friends just because it would be just as weird not to, but there's a really lovely couple coming who I know had several losses during TTC (including a 16wk MC). They have been quite open about it and I sent a massive bunch of flowers with the late MC but they have since obviously decided to move on. I really worry for them that the announcement will feel like shit. Should we wait and tell all our friends on a 1-1 basis at another time so as not to spoil their BBQ? Or should I let the couple know before they come so they won't have the shock?

I hadn't thought about that little

Wow, tough one tock. I definitely wouldn't spring it on them at the BBQ, that might make things very difficult for them even though I'm sure they'll be pleased for you. Maybe tell everyone in advance when you casually confirm your plans or something?

Yay for the flickering bean Little

tock I'd be inclined to tell that couple in advance. It'd be upsetting for them and you if they get upset at the BBQ because of a surprise announcement. I'm sure they'll be delighted for you, but they're bound to feel sad for themselves at the same time.

Hello all, RL seems so busy at the moment I hardly get time to post!

Little I've said it already but that is wonderful news about your bean and HB! Very happy for you. X

Tock I agree with the others that you should consider telling them in advance. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with an announcement in front of other people, though I'm sure they will be happy for you, it is always a bit upsetting when you've been through losses. I'm sure you will handle it tactfully!

Stacks I am finding it all socially awkward too - it's like saying 'I want you to congratulate me and make a fuss of me'. I've told everyone at work today, but fortunately there are not many people in and I managed to slip it into general conversation rather than make an announcement. I also controversially announced it on FB, but that's because so many of my friends are scattered around and I don't see them regularly. I also hope your back ache eases off soon and sorry that the dr worried you (hopefully unnecessarily).

Smegs I'm sorry you are still feeling so poorly. I am still quite nauseous and tired, but nothing like what you've been going through. Hope you can get a rest, but not easy when you have you DD to look after.

Fluff hope you can rest your hips - my sis had SPD and it seemed very painful, so I hope you don't get that bad.

Hello everyone else. Where's Farfalla gone? I've been thinking about her.

Where has Farf gone? Hopefully she's just off upchucking enjoying her pregnancy :)

And someone's kitchen burnt down at Christmas, meaning they had to move out for ages, and I keep wondering if that's sorted now? (was it little? )

I've lost my knitting mojo (I think it's being smothered by a mound of anaemia and PGP-induced insomnia) and have in fact knit nothing of note since becoming updiffed
In an attempt to regain it I bought a kit to knit a lovely expensive cardigan and I've suddenly thought, "whoops I'm pregnant!"....... I'll knit it to my previous measurements which is probably a massive mistake though with it being a cardi it will at least be a bit more forgiving than a jumper?? le sigh

Think it was Faith and I seem to remember a thread maybe last month saying they were back in

Lordy I'm tired after a long trip to Birmingham yesterday. 3 hour editorial meeting, then shopping and supper with a good friend from up north who came to meet me. Lovely. So i'm taking half an hour off to watch Escape to the Country. They've got 3 teenage sons. It's like looking into my future (except of course I'll have 4...) They've got 3 rottweilers too.

Sorry to hear about your hips and loss of mojo fluff. I'm really enjoying knitting at the mo. Are you uncomfy sitting? Are you having any physio? I went to a water physio class last time, which was really helpful. Perhaps you could ask your mw to refer to something local?

tricky situation there tock. I def think telling in advance would be good. It's hard to have info sprung on you, but I'm sure they'd be fine. Forewarned being forearmed and all that.

Hello everyone else . 2 rounds of knitting for me then back to the packing.

tock, please email them to let them know. If they are anything like me, I'd be very pleased for you but also want to cry a bit for myself and the baby I'd lost, so I could gather myself so I could smile at the BBQ, rather than getting that winded feeling when someone announces it publicly and I don't have time to work out how to react.

I've posted a bump photo on profile, I feel like I look huge but as I don't have anyone to compare to i'm not really sure.

Oh. Your bump looks about the same size as mine. I'm about 21 weeks pregnant

Yours looks lovely, BTW!

Great bump

Lovely bump cakes You're not huge at all, although I can imagine how it might impinge on a professional snooker career, if that's your line of work. I'm slightly envious as I still just look like I've put on weight, whereas you def look pg! Enjoy the next 10 weeks or so until you get really enormous.

Off on another school trip today. Gosh, I could do with a quiet day at home with no children!

Hello all

Lovely neat bump Cakes

As I wrote my BBQ conundrum to you all I had decided I was going to write to my friend (it's actually the man in the couple that I know best). I wrote a v simple note, trying to avoid being patronising as I know this would really get to him. It was actually DP who thought it wasn't fair on all our other friends if we told this couple first, but he doesn't understand how they must feel, quite simply. DP doesn't seem to understand much at the moment. He thinks that I'm negative because I've been trying to look at ways for us to make our money go further (we have been living off two wages - my past earnings, half his salary - and essentially will have to both have to have a job to keep up living as we are and quite soon); he's also commented that I'm less inclined to do lots of extra-curricula stuff at the moment. Hello, I'm pregnant! All the household management stuff - from managing bills, filing, costs, shopping, washing, organising holidays/nights out, looking after DS in the working week and managing/funding childcare - is done by me. I also pay the mortgage and our only pension. He puts a chunk of cash in our a/c for living costs; then uses the rest for travel and I'm not sure what else, but various hobbies that he really loves. He didn't even know what his net salary was when I asked. I'm pretty sick of being labelled negative and narrow for caring about these things. He says he is terrified about the cost and responsibility of having two children. But he doesn't seem able to look at ways to manage this responsibility.

Sorry moan over. I don't want to moan about him to anyone in RL - it feels snidey and betraying enough doing it here.

I just need to accept that DP doesn't see his role in life as involving the practical stuff. He has a decent job, about which he is very conscientious, and he is a great Dad and I need to be thankful for these for lovely attributes.

Hope you're all doing ok. Fluff - any respite from your ailments? Smegs - is your cold going? Stacks - how is your back?

xxx

Your bump is very neat cakes! I'll see if I can get DH to take one of mine for you to be shocked at compare over the next few days :o

Wow tock DH doesn't seem to live in the real world? I don't mean that in a nasty way, honest - just that he doesn't seem to realise what his monthly bills amount to, and how is salary compares to that iyswim? Maybe you need to put it all on a spreadsheet and have a "finance meeting" with him (we do this every few months in Chateau Fluff - we are the sort to get a cold sweat on if we have more than £100 on our only credit card) so he can see where the money goes, and how much you're going to have to cut out of your budget if you're off work.

Just another thing for me to pursue with him Fluff; me taking the lead etc. We had a list of costs but he has shown v little interest in updating it. No DP doesn't want to live in the real world; he works hard and he feels that he earns his pleasures and there shouldn't be any worries about other stuff. He is basically a v dreamy sort of person. And I'm not much like that any more although I think I was in the past. Well done re' your approach: sounds v positive. I am thankful that we don't have a credit card and avoid debts other than our mortgage, but that's because we are using money that I tucked away before I got together with DP.

Actually I take it back, I think he's got it spot on - we all work really hard, and there really shouldn't be any other worries about other stuff!! :)
I like to have a credit card for the Section 75 protection you get when buying anything over £100 - so we use it when we buy anything big, like our TV, washing machine etc, but pay it off the same month.

My cardigan kit has arrived, hurrah! Trying to work out how to incorporate a larger waist in without throwing off the pattern - seriously, who has an 8 inch difference between their bust and waist? I wish!

Yes all great for him as someone else sorts it out for him. That's life for lots of women these days as far as I can tell.

tock I'm a bit confused by your DP, but it's a confusion I get with all couples who don't share everything. My DH earns a lot more than me, and spends less than me, but when we got married, everything became ours. His savings became my savings, and mine became his. He brought a lot more to the marriage savings/earnings than I can, but he married me knowing that.
For me, having kids is a lot like being married. He works hard, and earns the money, but you work hard looking after his house and child to enable him to do that. I can't really see how he justifies keeping half his salary as a play thing while you manage all the bills and household finances and live off your savings. It doesn't seem like a fair deal to me.
Surely he can look at his finances, and the amount of money he's spending on his activities, and see how he could perhaps increase his contributions to the family to cover the extra cost of a second child? They're not free, and another child is his responsibility to support. This wasn't an accidental pregnancy for you, and when he gave you his blessing to try for another child (and his sperm!) he agreed to that responsibility. Now he just needs to step up.

There are lots of couples with lots of different ways of handling money, and I try really hard not to judge people on the way they choose to handle these things. Ignore me if I've stepped over a line.

My uncle and aunt used to have a relationship similar to yours - but one day she decided to go out to work to have some money of her own (and less stress!). She 'charged' him half the child care costs, and stopped ironing his shirts, cooking, cleaning etc etc. Not in a malicious way, just because she was busy at work. It lasted 6 months, then he agreed to pay her a salary of her own for the childcare and housework, money she could live on comfortably and spend as she pleased. It worked really well for them having separate finances, so it can work.

Also, my back isn't really much better, but I'm fairly sure it's a muscular problem. It hurts when standing or walking, but especially when I'm doing things with my right arm - like brushing my teeth or holding my umbrella. Today it helped to put my right foot up on the bath while brushing my teeth - somehow offset the stretch and eased the pain. I think I just need a physio.

Fluff the cardie looks really nice, but I wouldn't have a hope in hell of changing a pattern :) I've been stuck for months on the jumper I'm knitting. I've somehow reversed the pattern (doing the same row twice maybe) so the front side is showing the backside. I can't for the life of me fix it! I've unpicked and carefully re-knit it 3 times now and it keeps being wrong. It's the line right across the front of the jumper, just below the neck, so important to get right. I think I'm going to need DH's Nan to help.

cakes that's a lovely neat bump, and doesn't look huge at all. I know what you mean though, mine looks huge to me, but I doubt it's noticeable to others (I've got a photo in my profile from a couple weeks ago).

We're not married Stacks and that is a difference. He has put all his savings in the account I offset against our mortgage. He is simply too used to being a bachelor.

We've shared a bank account and pooled savings/wages etc since the dawn of time not long after we met when I was 17. I think it was easier with us though as we both came into the relationship with nothing iykwim, as we were both penniless students, and everything we've earned since has gone into a communal pot. I think it must be way more difficult to take that leap when you come into a relationship with hard-won assets of your own?

Nan's a good idea stacks or if there's a local knitting group / stitch and bitch evening, someone there might help :)

tock yeah, before we were married we had a joint account into which we both put the same amount of money each month. That paid the mortgage, bills and shopping/house repairs etc. We did that mostly because our parents were worried about us buying a house together and moving in together so soon after meeting. If we ran out of money one month, we both put equal money into the account to cover it. When we had extra in there, it went into a joint savings account to pay for bigger house things, or a holiday.

There are a couple of things I consider equivalent to marriage (well, more binding really!) buying a house together, and having children. It's easy to get into and out of a marriage, I got a "simplified divorce" from my Ex, took 10 minutes to fill out the form, and the rest just happened automatically.

Did you mention at one point you and your DP were thinking of marriage?

I think you're right Fluff. Life would have been v different if we'd got together when we first met (when I was 15!) The responsibility for bills etc is historical - I own this house and consequently pay the mortgage and had all the bills set up before DP arrived. DP spent a lot of time doing a PhD etc so didn't have a lot to bring to the table (even aged 40) and what he did have he put into the savings offset account.

Stacks it's a v different scenario when the man has more money than his wife/partner because traditionally society hasn't batted an eyelid at the man paying more than the woman, even though when I think about it I do find this a bit odd and not about equality. When DP and I moved in together we did exactly what you did - equal amounts pretty much. He has since increased his input but when I add up the mortgage, childcare and any other one-off payments I wouldn't say there's much in it, even though I don't have much income any more. But I'm the one who comes out with my own investment in tact - a house and a pension. He doesn't currently have either of these... So I feel quite bad about that.

I don't think DP is unkind or selfish, he just doesn't see it in the way you or I do. The salary he doesn't share goes on travel, food at work and some extras for our family.. then his hobbies. He doesn't want to compromise his interests - classic car, music equipment, subscriptions to various mags/online stuff, his iPhone etc, because he feels that he works hard and earns the wage to cover them and they don't amount to much in cost. He doesn't feel that saving for the future etc is possible, let alone a priority.

And he was quite clear that he was happy with one child and that the responsibility daunted him, but that he wanted me to fulfil my dream of two DC.

I think him saying I am negative is a bit of transferral (is that the term?) - and when he says he's terrified of the responsibility he just means his feels like he is losing sight of his personality/space/time to do stuff. Maybe? I know at least 2 men who simply won't have children because of these feelings, so DP is doing his best to balance his feelings.

Anyway - so now I'm defending him, even though I feel that things are imbalanced and I feel quite pissed off. Marriage isn't v appealing right now even though we are meant to be going for it. But that's sad because I'm saying this based on a feeling an inequality about 'investing' in our life together and I know DP senses this and doesn't like it. It's not v romantic, after all. That's just the way things are. Life is v much day-to-day practicalities for me (and security), but he's always been more of a dreamer type who knows his pleasures and doesn't do well without them.

Sorry - far too much info' and unfair to air my dirty washing like this. I think I'm just on a bit of a downer for some reason. I recently spent a morning with my friend who is a single mum (after she discovered the father of her son was having an affair with her close friend). She manages on a shoestring and still spends time writing novels and being really creative and I just have to think what an inspiration she is and get on with all the positive stuff in my life, which there is tonnes of.