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Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Are neighbours owed a visit in your house to hold baby?

45 replies

jammydodg · 10/05/2023 10:19

Would love to know other people's thoughts/experiences...
We have elderly neighbours who love kids. They are very generous nice people but a bit overly present for DH and my liking. They come out the front whenever they hear us coming and going and really want to have a strong friendship with us whereas we'd be happier to have a more relaxed less invested neighbour type relationship.

Anyway, DD is due in a few weeks and they've made lots of comments about us going over their house with the baby. I feel like it's added some pressure that we have to keep them in mind, especially when we're going to be really tired and coping with the newborn phase.

I'd rather they saw DD out the front and had a look at her in the car seat/pram etc rather than coming over our house (and probably staying hours) or us going over theirs.

We'll have plenty of visitors as we both have big families. AIBU to think we don't need to have the neighbours included as part of that?

OP posts:

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MrsSkylerWhite · 10/05/2023 10:20

Politely decline.

Bimbom · 10/05/2023 10:22

YANBU, they sound horribly full on!

Kitcaterpillar · 10/05/2023 10:26

I know everyone will come and say fuck them but popping over for half an hour at some point will cost you nothing and is a nice thing to do. The little boy from across the road comes and visits my gran occasionally, it makes her day.

I don't mean as you emerge from the hospital or that it's a high priority but...at some point. It's just a cup of tea and some small talk.

ferntwist · 10/05/2023 10:27

I agree with poster above. It doesn’t have to be the first thing you do, but it would be kind to pop over at some point. If you go to theirs you’ll be able to leave when you want, rather than them coming and staying at yours

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/05/2023 10:28

Kitcaterpillar · Today 10:26
I know everyone will come and say fuck them but popping over for half an hour at some point will cost you nothing and is a nice thing to do. The little boy from across the road comes and visits my gran occasionally, it makes her day.

I don't mean as you emerge from the hospital or that it's a high priority but...at some point. It's just a cup of tea and some small talk”

Once is never enough.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 10/05/2023 10:29

Imo good neighbours need to be nurtured.. Imagine stuck at home with a teething dc .. Or a toddler with chicken pox. They could be well appreciated then..
Remember when your dc arrives you may <shock horror >want to show it off!
And popping to their house gives you control of the length of visit. That invite itself speaks polite neighbor not I am coming to your house cf neighbour.
.

Original poster

jammydodg · 10/05/2023 10:31

I have to say, I did think ahh it wouldn't hurt anyone, but I do think PP is right that once wouldn't be enough for them.
It would probably light a spark and they would feel invested in DD's life.

Yes I know some people would agree that having a good relationship with neighbours is priceless, but what if you and DN's are very different people and you don't always feel comfortable with their friendliness?

I feel we need to avoid interactions within each others homes and keep it more casual or DH and I will definitely regret it..

OP posts:

LysHastighed · 10/05/2023 10:32

Is it your first baby? You might feel differently about someone willing to sit in your living room and hold the baby while you eat a hot meal with both hands when the baby is actually here. If they aren’t clearly awful you could wait and see how it goes.
Interacting with patient neighbours can be a lot of fun for toddlers.

MissyB1 · 10/05/2023 10:32

Go over for a quick 10 minute visit (you will need to be firm). But tell them in advance that it won’t be until baby is a few weeks old. That way you will be in control of the situation, rather than risk them knocking on your door and staying for hours.

I had a visit from a neighbor the day after I got him from my C section with newborn baby less the 48 hours old. The bloody neighbor stayed for over an hour, we kept trying to get rid but he wouldn’t take the hint. So don’t make my mistake!

GodspeedJune · 10/05/2023 10:35

If you don’t want to then it’s absolutely fine to decline. I don’t want to stereotype but my DD’s arrival was a keen topic of interest amongst our older neighbours. We had lots of well wishes and people asking how we were. We did invite a couple over and it was quite lovely to see them doting on her.

ImAvingOops · 10/05/2023 10:47

This is hard because some people consider their neighbours to be friends and it just comes down to being different types. But even when you fall into the camp of 'polite and friendly' but not friends, you still don't want to piss them off or offend them!
I'd continue being friendly when we saw them outside on the drive and let them hold the baby if they want to, but wouldn't be inviting them in (make a tactful excuse so you don't cause bad feelings). Hopefully they'll take the hint that you don't want to get too close.

Suprima · 10/05/2023 10:54

I honestly don’t understand WHY you wouldn’t pop round to your elderly neighbours, whom are good neighbours and nice, to show off your lovely new baby? Have a cup of tea with them. You don’t have to stay for 4 hours. It’s a ten minute nice thing to do.

I did the same with my parents neighbours, without thought. They saw my bump grow and always asked after me. It was 10 minutes of my life. I did it without thought.

Seeing a beautiful newborn really does lift older people. I feel a bit teary thinking about all of the ladies on the bus who have fussed over my little DD.

The fact that this is mumsnet thread worthy and the wording of ‘owe them a visit’ makes you and your DH sound odd and standoffish, rather than them being ‘full on’.

Skybluepinky · 10/05/2023 11:01

Go and visit them, that way u r in control of how long u will b there.

winteriscoming2022 · 10/05/2023 11:03

My elderly neighbours were my life savers when I had first DD. She was in hospital for the first couple of months and then in and out for many years after. Neighbours were just there quietly and kindly, never judging and not once commenting on the constant screaming ( from DD not me!)
I'd pop round just to sit for a few minutes and have cup of tea and regain my composure when I'd had particularly bad times with DD. Neither of us intruded on the other. I still remember them both, they died some years ago, and I think of them as a gift to our family during a tough time.
These are your neighbours OP, cherish them, one day you too will be older

TulipofAmsterdam · 10/05/2023 11:07

Nurture your lovely neighbours! You can go for a cup of tea when you feel up to it and still retain boundaries in the relationship. My DC love our next door neighbours and they have been so kind and helpful to us over the years. They sound similar to yours - probably interact more with us than I would have chosen - but they are genuinely lovely people and having them there has been very helpful at times. Plus it just feels good to be on good terms with people who live right next door.

abmac95 · 10/05/2023 11:08

they are probably just wanting to be there for you. its a shame that you don't want that.

finallygotospeaktoSky · 10/05/2023 11:11

Why the need to be friendly with neighbours you find difficult or over bearing ?
Our elderly neighbour is always creeping about and watching to see what we are doing. He and his wife apparently fell out with previous owners of our home too, moaned because one put up a fence so they couldn't see into the garden wtaf?
He tried to pick a fight with a man his own age [80's].
Only met her a couple of times but she was controlling and bossy, we used to hear her berating her dh.
Going down the road of batshit. We say hello, merest of convo and crack on with what we're doing. Fuck being nice.

winesolveseverything · 10/05/2023 11:13

I've got elderly next door neighbours who were here before we moved in. Obviously retired and lots of spare time, they'd quite often stop for a chat if they saw us out and about.
I remember handing my 10 day old baby over the (low) fence for them to hold, they were both 80 and it made their day. Since then they have been a constant presence in my children's lives- patiently listening whilst my little ones stood on their climbing frame and talked and talked and talked at them over the fence, throwing balls back over etc etc.
Occasionally they'd pop round at no notice to sit with a sleeping child if I'd had to collect husband off a train in the village that had been delayed or something. They'd call in on their birthdays with a little present and have a piece of cake for 10 mins. It was really no big deal.

My children are older now and the elderly wife died a couple of years ago and the husband is struggling with mild dementia. The children missed her dreadfully and made me realise that this couple were really like bonus grandparents.
My eldest (13) will check in on the elderly husband who's left now and both children still shout hello to him if they see him in the garden. Their little world will be a sadder place when he is no longer with us.

My advice would be to let the friendship continue, they would probably love to meet your baby a couple of weeks in and you never know when you might need a friendly neighbour to help out at a moment's notice.

Pr1mr0se · 10/05/2023 11:16

Just leave it a few weeks.

Definitely not a visit before any relatives have seen the baby.

mumonthehill · 10/05/2023 11:16

We have had amazing older neighbours. I value them. Yes they can be a bit much sometimes but they care about dc. Dc now older and they help them mow the lawn etc. they taught dc to make jam, took them on walks. Really precious.

Liverpoodle · 10/05/2023 11:24

I would go round to theirs as you can then say, oops need to go home to feed/change or whatever. I do think it’s in your interest to get along as you are about to have a noisy baby. They may also be on hand as others have said to keep an eye on your kids so you can pop out in an emergency. Worth keeping them on side if all it takes is popping in for baby cuddles.

USaYwHatNow · 10/05/2023 11:25

Mu mum and dad live in a cul de sac of about 4-5 houses/bungalows. Most of the other houses are elderly neighbours. When I felt confident driving the hour to their house when baby was about 8 weeks old, I walked in the door, baby was scooped out of the car seat by his nan (my mum) with a 'let's go and see who we can show you off to!' and off went the proud grandparents round the close, showing him off to everyone. I watched from the window, and the joy my little baby sparked was so lovely to see. Yes, now every time we go round we're stopped by the neighbours for a quick chat and a coo at the baby but it does no harm. I've got absolutely shite neighbours, I'd be so pleased if I was in your position, but hey, if it's too intense for you then that's fine. Just set boundaries early as pp have suggested.

stopringingme · 10/05/2023 11:26

Three of our closest Neighbours came to visit when we brought our DD home.

They came with gifts and stayed for about 10 minutes each.

We have been neighbours for years though and none of them are intrusive and we all help each other out, but do not intrude on each others lives.

I would visit them as you can control how long and then it gets it out of the way otherwise they will keep on asking or just turn up on your doorstep.

finallygotospeaktoSky · 10/05/2023 11:26

It great to read that other pp's that have had nice older neighbours and it can be a great benefit for youngsters to have a honoury grandparent.
But if they are like mine....

Hazelnuttella · 10/05/2023 11:29

YANBU. I think it’s fine to have a friendly neighbour relationship but don’t need to visit each other socially.

My DH text all our neighbours just to let them know the baby had been born (he was very excited).

My next door neighbour immediately came round, knocked on the door and asked to see the baby! This was during lockdown.. my parents hadn’t even seen the baby yet, we’d literally just arrived home from hospital!

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