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Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Are neighbours owed a visit in your house to hold baby?

45 replies

jammydodg · 10/05/2023 10:19

Would love to know other people's thoughts/experiences...
We have elderly neighbours who love kids. They are very generous nice people but a bit overly present for DH and my liking. They come out the front whenever they hear us coming and going and really want to have a strong friendship with us whereas we'd be happier to have a more relaxed less invested neighbour type relationship.

Anyway, DD is due in a few weeks and they've made lots of comments about us going over their house with the baby. I feel like it's added some pressure that we have to keep them in mind, especially when we're going to be really tired and coping with the newborn phase.

I'd rather they saw DD out the front and had a look at her in the car seat/pram etc rather than coming over our house (and probably staying hours) or us going over theirs.

We'll have plenty of visitors as we both have big families. AIBU to think we don't need to have the neighbours included as part of that?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Redebs · 10/05/2023 11:33

Just a reminder that visitors need to wash their hands before touching new babies and NO kissing.
Smokers need to wait 20 minutes after a smoke before coming near.

I think it would mean a lot to your neighbours to briefly see the baby. They may want to give a gift. Bear in mind too, that they might well be woken or disturbed by your baby in future and if they are able to feel benevolent to it, things will be better all round.

cupofdecaf · 10/05/2023 11:48

We had next door neighbours a bit like this when ours were newborns. They turned into amazing help that are like additional grandparents. They helped with short bits of childcare and now we've moved away we still miss them. Our eldest still asks after them and wants to visit 18 months after we moved.
Put up whatever boundaries you want but don't burn your bridges, they may be similar.

neilyoungismyhero · 10/05/2023 11:57

winesolveseverything · 10/05/2023 11:13

I've got elderly next door neighbours who were here before we moved in. Obviously retired and lots of spare time, they'd quite often stop for a chat if they saw us out and about.
I remember handing my 10 day old baby over the (low) fence for them to hold, they were both 80 and it made their day. Since then they have been a constant presence in my children's lives- patiently listening whilst my little ones stood on their climbing frame and talked and talked and talked at them over the fence, throwing balls back over etc etc.
Occasionally they'd pop round at no notice to sit with a sleeping child if I'd had to collect husband off a train in the village that had been delayed or something. They'd call in on their birthdays with a little present and have a piece of cake for 10 mins. It was really no big deal.

My children are older now and the elderly wife died a couple of years ago and the husband is struggling with mild dementia. The children missed her dreadfully and made me realise that this couple were really like bonus grandparents.
My eldest (13) will check in on the elderly husband who's left now and both children still shout hello to him if they see him in the garden. Their little world will be a sadder place when he is no longer with us.

My advice would be to let the friendship continue, they would probably love to meet your baby a couple of weeks in and you never know when you might need a friendly neighbour to help out at a moment's notice.

Crikey....this actually made me cry. Lovely normal people post.

eddiemairswife · 10/05/2023 12:24

I am an elderly neighbour. I have no wish to hold neighbour's babies.

Kitcaterpillar · 10/05/2023 12:50

eddiemairswife · 10/05/2023 12:24

I am an elderly neighbour. I have no wish to hold neighbour's babies.

Ok?

SchoolTripDrama · 10/05/2023 12:54

Why wouldn't you allow your neighbours to pop over and meet her for 2 mins? You're assuming they want a full on friendship but they may just want to be on friendly terms.

Of course you 'owe' them nothing & it's your decision. However I'd say it's worth remembering that there's a huge generational difference here. Back in their days, it was the total norm for neighbours to come round to see the baby. Your home was a veritable 'attraction' for days after you brought your baby home - of course this is nuts by today's standards but what I'm trying to point out is that to them, it's not asking anything out of what's normal for them. Perhaps find a compromise? You don't have to of course but just out of kindness.

I'd offer them round 15 mins before you're planning to go out one day & have your coats on ready. Tell them before they come in that you're heading out but wanted them to meet your baby before you go?

SchoolTripDrama · 10/05/2023 12:56

jammydodg · 10/05/2023 10:31

I have to say, I did think ahh it wouldn't hurt anyone, but I do think PP is right that once wouldn't be enough for them.
It would probably light a spark and they would feel invested in DD's life.

Yes I know some people would agree that having a good relationship with neighbours is priceless, but what if you and DN's are very different people and you don't always feel comfortable with their friendliness?

I feel we need to avoid interactions within each others homes and keep it more casual or DH and I will definitely regret it..

once wouldn't be enough for them.
It would probably light a spark and they would feel invested in DD's life.

That's a massive assumption. You are in control of who sees your baby and if they overstep the mark then you can make steps to distance yourselves from them!

WimpoleHat · 10/05/2023 12:58

Imo good neighbours need to be nurtured.

I agree. If they’re nice and good to you in general, why wouldn’t you pop in with the baby? You don’t “owe” them a visit - of course not. But it’d be a nice thing to do and, as others have said, you never know when you might need them to do something nice or helpful back for you. You don’t have to stay for hours; just knock and say “can’t stop, but we know you wanted to see the baby” and pop in for 10 minutes one day.

elevenplusdilemma · 10/05/2023 13:47

Perfectly reasonable to keep yourselves to yourselves for the first few weeks with a new baby (besides offering them a peak in the pram on your way out etc). But do reconsider popping over for a quick cuppa one afternoon a fortnight or something once baby is a little older. It would mean the world to them and you might find that you enjoy it too.
We had elderly neighbours when DC1 was born and I felt similar to you. They adored my DC though and I did go over now and again for a cuppa and a chat (if you go to theirs, you are in control of how long it goes in for - 30-45 mins is more than fine). Once she reached toddling age I used to pass her over the fence with her little watering can so she could help them water the patio for 10 mins whilst I hung out the washing etc.
It was lovely for all of us.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 10/05/2023 13:57

One of my neighbours knows who my dc are, where they work, when we go on holiday and usually guesses where! I have never been in her home except the doorway at Halloween when she insists seeing the dc and ddogs in full costume... We pass pleasantries when I am usually rushing to work or school run. I had a bit extra time last week and she confided her dh has alzheimers (spelling?) and that he doesn't matter to the NHS anymore now he is 80
.. She was visibly upset. I hope the few minutes I had for her gave her a bit of comfort..
Her family live away and she doesn't see much of the dgc... If my dc from across the road add a bit to her wellbeing then I can do that...
Seeing your dd won't given them rights to her op!!

graceinspace999 · 10/05/2023 13:58

Is this what passes for a problem in life these days? Your neighbours sound lovely.

Good neighbours are an asset not a problem- unless you make it one.

You are capable of setting your own boundaries surely?

There’s loads of assumptions in your post.

You have lots of family and friends so your ‘elderly’ neighbours must desperately want to be part of your life.

Ageism is kinda nasty don’t you think?

Mamoun · 10/05/2023 14:26

Is DD your first?
I would say Mat leave can be a long, lonely, miserable place and having another adult to talk to can literally lift up your day.
I would advise to allow the initial visit to be kind and then wait and see.

We have this neighbour who I use to say hello very quickly and leave. I thought she was weird and didn't want her to think we were friends.
Lockdown happened and we became friends, my kids love her. Now she has a man in her life and I wish she was more often available for a chat 😅

MattieandmummyandIs · 11/05/2023 21:27

Go and see them, how much will it really cost you? They might be lonely and it would make their week let alone day.

You will be old one day too.

wildinthecountry · 11/05/2023 21:59

Where I lived before one of my neighbours gave birth so popped a card through her letterbox . They knocked my door the next day and came in with baby for half an hour . I can't remember the time scale, but somewhere within the two weeks . We weren't really close just neighbourly , your Husband sounds a bit mean .

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/08/2023 20:42

Kitcaterpillar · 10/05/2023 10:26

I know everyone will come and say fuck them but popping over for half an hour at some point will cost you nothing and is a nice thing to do. The little boy from across the road comes and visits my gran occasionally, it makes her day.

I don't mean as you emerge from the hospital or that it's a high priority but...at some point. It's just a cup of tea and some small talk.

This

Maray1967 · 23/09/2023 09:16

When I first took DS1 over to see my aunt, she asked if we could take him to see her elderly next door neighbour . We just popped in for 10 minutes and the neighbour had a little cuddle and her face lit up.

Our neighbours both sides are our age but we’ve been able to call on each other for help with emergency childcare - every way round. We know that one tends to work late on his laptop and we felt able to text at 10.30 at night and ask if he could sit in ours for an hour so we didn’t need to get the 9 year old out of bed when the 1 year old needed an emergency GP appointment.

I’d politely put off very early visits if you’re not up to it, but pop in for a short while when you are.

Katrinawaves · 23/09/2023 09:30

jammydodg · 10/05/2023 10:31

I have to say, I did think ahh it wouldn't hurt anyone, but I do think PP is right that once wouldn't be enough for them.
It would probably light a spark and they would feel invested in DD's life.

I feel we need to avoid interactions within each others homes and keep it more casual or DH and I will definitely regret it..

be careful that you aren’t posting here in 2 years time to say you need to go for a scan for child number 2, children aren’t allowed and there is absolutely no one you could leave the firstborn with for a couple of hours. Or no one who can pop next door and be with your firstborn as they sleep, whilst your pre-arranged childcare arrives if you want to head for the hospital when you are in labour more quickly than you first thought would be needed.

Honestly friendly neighbours can be a godsend. You don’t have to live in each others pockets but nurturing the kind of relationship where you can call on each other in emergencies is absolutely worth its weight in gold. It goes both ways of course and requires you to be prepared to drop in a hot meal or some shopping if they are both laid low with Covid but it’s genuinely how society works well

WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 09:37

Sure we wouldn't run in the second we are back from the hospital but I would see them at some point, would people rather be locked away with babies and never to see anyone? Actually I can imagine the replies

donquixotedelamancha · 23/09/2023 09:45

I honestly don’t understand WHY you wouldn’t pop round to your elderly neighbours, whom are good neighbours and nice, to show off your lovely new baby? Have a cup of tea with them. You don’t have to stay for 4 hours. It’s a ten minute nice thing to do.

I'm assuming OP is from a middle class part of the South East, where interacting with neighbours is looked upon with horror. We've all seen those threads about 'OMG the delivery man made eye contact, will I catch tattoos?'

If you live anywhere else, OP, then you are being very weird.

Lavenderandbrown · 26/09/2023 00:00

My elderly neighbor held my newborn while I tried to poop! I was miserable and baby was miserable and I needed immediate help. She also helped me catch my runaway dog by holding baby AND providing a hot dog to lure dog home. She loved to chat while baby and I walked and she was a touchstone for me as ExDH was never home and no family nearby. I loved her quiet pleasant company her tidy home and her smiling face. She also kept my mum company when I was sick and mum down helping. Take it day by day surely they can respect any boundaries/rules you have for baby while still enjoying baby.

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