Birth announcement hell

NaatQ968 · 2022-02-06T19:19:43+00:00

Hi, really new here. Only found out I was pregnant for the first time a few days ago. So I am basically the black sheep of the family. The last thought of etc and my other sisters are the gems in the family. I guess I had a bit of a harder life than them… I’m almost 30 and my youngest sister is 11. So anyways - I’ve never had luck in any part of my life and I don’t usually do things the way society expects us women to do so. I haven’t had the best love life, to be honest I couldn’t be bothered in the last couple of years, until I met my now partner who completely swept me off my feet, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and everyone seems to be happy for me. But my dad has always been quite nasty about the way he “cares” and offers “advice”…. So the day before I found out I was pregnant I went to visit him and he starts screaming at me about me wanting a baby - that my partner will just leave me and my life will be ruined and I’ll have messed up my job too, but on the same hand said “if I got pregnant tomorrow he’d be happy for me” He’s been horrible to me since I was a teenager because I took my mums side in the divorce. I can’t speak to him about anything because I always leave his house feeling like the worst human being - so crap about myself and I then don’t want to go back for a few weeks so I avoid him. This is supposed to be a happy time and all my time is thinking about my dads reaction… can someone help me feel differently about this? _ Couple of family members are judgemental and always have been to me, causing me anxiety and I close myself off from them a lot. Thank you for reading_ [sad]

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Marmm · 06/02/2022 19:36

He sounds absolutely vile.

I'd just tell him by text if you feel you must then go tell someone who is nicer to be around.

RandomDent · 06/02/2022 19:51

You don’t have to tell anyone.

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 19:55

@Marmm

He sounds absolutely vile.

I'd just tell him by text if you feel you must then go tell someone who is nicer to be around.

It's weird, he can be so loving - but I always worry about his opinion. I worry about his opinion more than I should.

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Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 19:58

You don’t have to see him. And certainly don’t allow anyone around your baby who is going to scream at you.

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:03

@Wolfiefan

You don’t have to see him. And certainly don’t allow anyone around your baby who is going to scream at you.

I feel like the anxiety has taken over snd I can't feel happy. He's gonna tell me all what's wrong with the situation and how I'll have no life etc.

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Totalwasteofpaper · 06/02/2022 20:08

Honestly half my family were total dicks about my pregnancy.

I really don’t care and I haven’t messaged them or bothered. I focussed on myself and the baby. You really need to put on your big girl pants and stop caring about his “good opinion”.

Most of my pregnancy I was planning baby moon, doing baby yoga, researching and buying all the fun baby bits and generally enjoying time with my husband.

When not-nice family (finally) messaged me I gave them “hi X. yeah all cool. Hope you’re well” type responses.

They are on an Information diet and I have no intention of exposing my children them beyond the bare minimum

cherrysthename · 06/02/2022 20:10

Present the news to him as fact, but only when you feel ready. Try not to appear uncertain or as if you're looking for advice or opinion. I appreciate this will be very hard for you. But if he then starts coming out with his nonsense, just tell him 'oh you've got the wrong end of the stick. I was just letting you know. We are very happy'

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:12

@cherrysthename

Present the news to him as fact, but only when you feel ready. Try not to appear uncertain or as if you're looking for advice or opinion. I appreciate this will be very hard for you. But if he then starts coming out with his nonsense, just tell him 'oh you've got the wrong end of the stick. I was just letting you know. We are very happy'

I didn't think about it like this....

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Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:13

@cherrysthename

Present the news to him as fact, but only when you feel ready. Try not to appear uncertain or as if you're looking for advice or opinion. I appreciate this will be very hard for you. But if he then starts coming out with his nonsense, just tell him 'oh you've got the wrong end of the stick. I was just letting you know. We are very happy'

Thank you, I totally understand what you mean. The thought of telling him makes me feel sick and dizzy. I don't know when I'll be ready to tell him.

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Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:15

@Totalwasteofpaper

Honestly half my family were total dicks about my pregnancy.

I really don’t care and I haven’t messaged them or bothered. I focussed on myself and the baby. You really need to put on your big girl pants and stop caring about his “good opinion”.

Most of my pregnancy I was planning baby moon, doing baby yoga, researching and buying all the fun baby bits and generally enjoying time with my husband.

When not-nice family (finally) messaged me I gave them “hi X. yeah all cool. Hope you’re well” type responses.

They are on an Information diet and I have no intention of exposing my children them beyond the bare minimum

Why can't people just be happy for you?

It's strange I'm a very "big girl pants" type of person until it comes to him.

Thank you for your advice. I hope I can pluck up the courage like you did.

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Allpenguinsarepingus · 06/02/2022 20:17

Wait until 24 weeks to tell him? So fait acompli and no room for an opinion about whether you should or should not be pregnant.

TheApexOfMyLife · 06/02/2022 20:25

I’d go at least LC tbh.

I’d also wait as long as possible before telling him about the pregnancy.
That goes for him but anyone else in the family who will drag you down.

Then enjoy your pregnancy with your DH. :)

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:40

@TheApexOfMyLife

I’d go at least LC tbh.

I’d also wait as long as possible before telling him about the pregnancy.
That goes for him but anyone else in the family who will drag you down.

Then enjoy your pregnancy with your DH. :)

Thank you for your advice!

So I'm new here, what does LC and DH mean?

Thank you ❤️

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DragonMovie · 06/02/2022 20:45

LC low contact
DH husband

I’m really close to my mum but she barely managed to mask how appalled she was when I told her about first pregnancy even though I’d told her I was planning on trying a few weeks before. It upset me for ages but I don’t care now. She is so so close to my son and he to her. I think she was just worried about how stable my relationship was (hadn’t been together that long) and forgot herself for a minute. Pregnant with number 2 now and she was so over the moon she cried.

How long have you been with DP? Not that it’s relevant - he should not have said what he did. But it might explain why he said it.

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 20:54

He can’t give you grief if you don’t allow it!
Hang up.
Walk out.
Block if you have to.

TheRoundOne · 06/02/2022 20:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

The situation with your dad sounds really difficult. I read something on here recently which blew my mind - that you do not actually have to make your parents proud or get their approval. It doesn't actually matter if they are proud of you. Trying to get my head around that myself.

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:56

@DragonMovie

LC low contact DH husband

I’m really close to my mum but she barely managed to mask how appalled she was when I told her about first pregnancy even though I’d told her I was planning on trying a few weeks before. It upset me for ages but I don’t care now. She is so so close to my son and he to her. I think she was just worried about how stable my relationship was (hadn’t been together that long) and forgot herself for a minute. Pregnant with number 2 now and she was so over the moon she cried.

How long have you been with DP? Not that it’s relevant - he should not have said what he did. But it might explain why he said it.

I've been with my partner for 10 months. We knew eachother for two years prior to us getting together, so we know eachother quite well. I'm not someone who is easily sucked into situations and have done pretty well for myself in the sense of life skills, I lived abroad etc and I'm realistic. I'd rather live my life to what I feel is right than living in constant fear and paranoia than some of my family. Sometimes I wish I was still abroad so I didn't have to deal with family.

I'm so sorry this happened to you too! I'm really sorry.

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Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:56

@Wolfiefan

He can’t give you grief if you don’t allow it! Hang up. Walk out. Block if you have to.

Thank you. I definitely didn't think of it like that!

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Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 20:59

@TheRoundOne

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

The situation with your dad sounds really difficult. I read something on here recently which blew my mind - that you do not actually have to make your parents proud or get their approval. It doesn't actually matter if they are proud of you. Trying to get my head around that myself.

Thank you, that's actually made me really emotion as you guys are the only ones who know apart from my partner. Thank you very much!

It is complicated - I love my dad. He isn't a horrible person, but the way he goes about things is wrong.

Now I don't just have myself to worry about.
Thank you for your kind message, I really needed it.

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 21:00

You're an adult now, not a child. You get to choose who and what you allow into your life. You can tell your father you will no longer listen to any of his toxic bullshit. He either treats you with kindness or he won't be a part of your life anymore.

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 21:03

@Aquamarine1029

You're an adult now, not a child. You get to choose who and what you allow into your life. You can tell your father you will no longer listen to any of his toxic bullshit. He either treats you with kindness or he won't be a part of your life anymore.

Thank you for your advice, he treats me like a child. I do need to be more firm. Thank you, such a great response

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Totalwasteofpaper · 06/02/2022 21:16

I agree with the advice about just stating it as a fact.

I did this with one particularly difficult elderly face relative and then just said "we are very pleased about it of course. So would you like a tea?" and then changed the subject.. her face was picture

What I would say is pregnancy is different for everyone.
I was shocked at how hard I found the mental health side of pregnancy. I was very anxious (in a general sense) for the first two trimesters and my hormones and emotions have been OUT. OF. CONTROL. From 12 weeks onwards.

Its a longwinded way or saying...You are more vulnerable in pregnancy and need to look after/ shield yourself.

Good luck

Original poster

NaatQ968 · 06/02/2022 21:27

@Totalwasteofpaper

I agree with the advice about just stating it as a fact.

I did this with one particularly difficult elderly face relative and then just said "we are very pleased about it of course. So would you like a tea?" and then changed the subject.. her face was picture

What I would say is pregnancy is different for everyone.
I was shocked at how hard I found the mental health side of pregnancy. I was very anxious (in a general sense) for the first two trimesters and my hormones and emotions have been OUT. OF. CONTROL. From 12 weeks onwards.

Its a longwinded way or saying...You are more vulnerable in pregnancy and need to look after/ shield yourself.

Good luck

I'm thinking about having other people there to soften the blow😂😂!!

I already suffer with anxiety and I know it'll get worse, I just don't need anymore added stress for negative people. He will say I've ruined my life... I can already hear it.

I need to take care of myself and surround myself with people who genuinely support me. I just wish he was one of them.

I'm hoping you are doing better.

Thank you ❤️❤️

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Totalwasteofpaper · 06/02/2022 21:53

Def have people with you if you think it will help you.

I'd also recommend explicitly telling people what you need throughout pregnancy. Everything from "I need you to tell my dad to pack it in and STFU if he starts on one" to "I just need you to be extra kind today" to "I need you to hand me my phone as I can't bend and reach it easily"

I'm 36 weeks now and generally feeling pretty calm and cool. third trimester has been the best for me by far and my DH has really stepped up and been super supportive.

cdba88 · 06/02/2022 21:56

I'm not getting it? Why would you contact him again?

It's not computing in my brain