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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my friends baby died funeral tommorow HELP PLEASE

29 replies

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:43

we will be unable to go as would have no1 to look after dd. we want to send flowers but dont know what to say or what kind of thing i should get

any help please

OP posts:

bundle · 09/08/2005 18:45

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's baby. I would send a card and ask the family if there's a charity they'd like me to donate to. this happened to a friend of ours recently and they donated baby clothes gifts (I still took mine round to them, after he'd died) to the SCBU where he'd been looked after.

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:46

she is taking is so badly she wont acknowlage hes dead hes in his coffin in the house and she keeps picking him up and cuddleing him saying everythings gonna be ok now that hes home

OP posts:

spacecadet · 09/08/2005 18:46

oh how awful, i would send a card and ask if they would like a contribution of some description making to a charity of their choice or something like that.

spacecadet · 09/08/2005 18:47

how old was he?

lilibet · 09/08/2005 18:47

When it was my Dad's funeral, some people just stood outside the church and watched the coffin in, it was a nice thing for them to do and nice to see freindly faces as we got out of the car.

Perhaps you could do this with your dd, no need to go into the church, and it woudl let you feel that you had paid your respects as it were.

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:48

he was 4.5 months and had never been out of hospital his lung collapsed and there was nothing more they could do

OP posts:

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:48

i think she would be 2 upset as no kids allowed at it at all

OP posts:

bundle · 09/08/2005 18:48

the poor, poor woman. I'm sure that any kind of behaviour is "normal" in bereavement, it's so devastating

spacecadet · 09/08/2005 18:49

the poor family..lillibets suggestion is a good one, could you do that?

spacecadet · 09/08/2005 18:49

oh i see.

lilibet · 09/08/2005 18:51

the poor woman

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:52

i was thinking a nice bunch of flowers but dont know where i can get some that wil be delivered tommorow for a reasonable price as i dont have that much anyway

OP posts:

sparklymieow · 09/08/2005 18:52

My friend was like this, Starshaker, her little boy died at home, from a heart problem, he was put into the coffin and it was sealed the next day, when the man came with his coffin, 2 weeks later (she has a special cooling system brought in) she held him again
Its very hard for the mother to let go, and while Dan was at home with my friend she thought it would be ok. It wasn't till the funeral it hit her.
I would send some flowers and a card, but don't distance yourself, turn up, phone her whenever as its easier for them to talk if someone is willing to listen rather than them putting themselves on you (thats how she will see it, believe me)
Hope you ok.

sweetkitty · 09/08/2005 18:54

Spacecadet - my friends baby died in March this year so I kind of know how you are feeling. I went out and bought her present and had it hanging in the wardrobe but couldn't take it back to the shop it was awful everywhere I looked I saw babies, having DD whos 7 months younger was horrible too, every time she reaches a milestone I get angry that my friends baby won't be able to.

Anyway sorry I digress, I went to see my friend the weekend before the funeral even though I couldn't make the funeral, I sent flowers to the funeral parlour for the baby wrote something in the card especially for the baby but I also sent flowers the day before to the family just saying we are thinking of you, oh and I sent a card too.

What your friend is doing re not believing he is dead etc sounds really like my friend too, she visited her DD in the funeral home several times a day and took her 2 DSs who are 4 and 8 as well. Now her DD is buried she hasn't really got any better, she visits the grave every day and also visits mediums every week to talk to her DD. She says if it weren't for her DSs she would be with her DD.

I feel so helpless to help her but I think I just have to listen when she wants to talk sometimes she'll talk other times she'll ask me about trivial things about my day, it's ok I just judge it. It's driven a wedge between her and her DH as well, he's desperate for her to have another baby she's scared stupid. All I would say is be there for her when she needs you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))) for you and your friend

sparklymieow · 09/08/2005 18:57

sweet kitty, I have a dd who is just one month younger than my friend's Ds would have been now, I found that very hard, watching her crawling, walking, talking and knowing that Dan would never do that

sweetkitty · 09/08/2005 18:57

forgot to say my friend said one of the worst things is that her friends and even people in the street hide their children away from her especially if they are babies, she says this makes it worse she feels like they like she is going to steal them, she says it her baby she wants not someone else and people should never hide their children away.

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 18:59

my dd is 2 weeks younger they were both due on the same day and we went through the whole pregnacy together it makes me feel so lucky to have alana and i keep checking on her to make sure shes ok

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sweetkitty · 09/08/2005 18:59

i can understand that sparklymeiow for me what makes it worse is that my friends baby was perfectly healthy and her death was caused my medical negligence.

sparklymieow · 09/08/2005 19:06

I actually met my friend when we were admitted to hospital, she was 33 weeks and I was 28 weeks, we were in hospital for 3 weeks together and we stand in contact afterwards. I found out he had a heart problem at about 2 months old, and we all knew he was going to die. Em kept hoping he would make it to 18 months old when he could have had a heart transplant but he never made it Even now nearly 4 years on, she is at his grave every week, they buy presents on his birthday (I send a card and flowers), and I normally buy a small thing for his grave, he has an Angel on his grave that I brought for the xmas after he died. I help keep his memory alive and Em likes that, too many people ignore that fact she had a son

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 19:27

what should i write in the card ive bought sunflowers as they called him their wee ray of sunshine

OP posts:

lilibet · 09/08/2005 19:29

Just write what you feel

That you are thinking of her adn are despertley sorry?

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 20:52

have just sent a bunch of flowers and a card that said to tammy and taz thinking of you kenzie was your little ray of sunshine and will always have a special place in our heart do you think that is ok

OP posts:

littlerach · 09/08/2005 20:56

That sounds perfect. Such a hard and horrid thing to have to do.

Original poster

starshaker · 09/08/2005 20:58

the flowers are mainly white with sunflowers in with it 2. had to custom make them

OP posts:

Kidstrack2 · 09/08/2005 21:17

Starshaker if you feel you really would like to pay your last repects, I know its a bit of a long shot and a bit strange but I would look after Alana for you.

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