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Original poster

Dad is dying and I have no idea what to say to him.....

33 replies

Meglet · 28/05/2010 22:10

He's in a hospice and probably on his last legs due to prostate & bone cancer. Has fluid on his lungs, weird pain in his stomach that morphine doesn't really help with, very weak, lost loads of weight, seems to be slipping in and out of conciousness etc. He had a blood transfusion today but was not perking up like they hoped so looking at him I think he only has weeks left at the most.

Should I be honest and ask him about what he would like for his funeral? In the past he has always had a pretty impressive dark sense of humour and now I feel I'm desperately not tying to mention he is so ill that I have no idea what to say .

I am lost for words .

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 28/05/2010 22:12

I was the same didn't know what to say or what to do ((hugs))

Elasticwoman · 28/05/2010 22:16

Funerals are for those left behind. If he has any wishes he will tell you. I would concentrate on listening rather than saying anything. There might be some one in the hospice (chaplain or something) whose job it is to ask patients about their wishes, so you could make enquiries there.

Just hold his hand and take your lead from him. If he wants you to talk eg about family news, he will let you know.

At least you are having this time to prepare yourself for the inevitable. My dad died very suddenly so no one got to say goodbye to him.

LilRedWG · 28/05/2010 22:18

Tell him how much you love him. The one thing I regret when my Dad died was not telling him how much I'd miss him and how loved he is. In my heart, I know that he knew but I I did not want to upset him by talking about it. So, we talked of the weather, what books we were reading etc, etc.

Anything you want to say, now is the time. He still has that sense of humour even if he doesn't have the strength to show it at the moment - maybe a couple of gentle jokes will reassure him that you still think of him as Dad and not the shell of himself this horrible disease makes people.

Do you think he wants you talk of anything but (as I know my Dad did) or do you think he'd appreciate someone not pussyfooting around? Sometimes, I knew that my Dad just wanted me to be there with him, not talking, not doing anything, just sitting with him whilst he slept.

I know how terribly hard this time is. Do try to to take a little time for yourself to keep your batteries recharged too - even if it's five minutes with a cup of tea in peace.

I'm sorry if anything I've said has upset you, but I sense that you want someone to talk about and not just give their condolences. That being said, I am so, so sorry that you, your Dad and your family are going through this.

SirBoobAlot · 28/05/2010 22:18

I'm so sorry

On the practical side - if he is aware of how ill he is, then yes, ask him what he would like done. If he isn't, then leave him in peace about it, and make your own judgements as a family. I have been in both situations and both were appropriate at the time.

On an emotional level... There is never a "right" thing to say. I have said goodbye, I have refused to say goodbye, I have laughed and joked, and then sobbed my heart out once I have left. In a lot of ways I don't think it matters. If you love them, and they love you, that's all that needs to be known.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but I couldn't not reply. Do you have people in RL supporting you through this? And remember to come on and talk as much as you need to. Big hugs x

cupofteaplease · 28/05/2010 22:18

Poor you, what a terrible situation

My darling dad died two years ago, but it was very sudden, he had a heart attack at 55 years old.

I wish I had had the chance to tell him I loved him more than words could say, that he was my best friend and my inspiration for everything I have achieved in my life. I would tell him how funny I found him, how he was the perfect grandfather to my children and how I respected his vast knowledge and individual opinions. I wish I could have held his hand, kissed his cheek and given him the longest hug. I wish I could now remember his smell and his voice- I've forgotten both now.

If I were in your situation, and I can't even imagine your pain, I would just spend as much time with him as possible, drinking in his presence and remembering every line of his face. I would hate to see my dad riddled with cancer, as you are, but I would kill to sit with him for just one more hour, just to be with him.

I am lucky that my dad also had a dark sense of humour and we had discussed his funeral in the past, so when the time came I was confident that we were giving him the sort of send off he would have approved of.

Thinking of you and praying for your dad x

Donki · 28/05/2010 22:20

This may seem obvious but:
I found telling Dad that I was there - and that I loved him and knew that he loved me (since he found talking near impossible towards the end) seemed helpful.

venusonarockbun · 28/05/2010 22:22

Meglet - I am so so sorry that this is happening. I was in the same situation with my Mum. Its so, so hard.

5inthebed · 28/05/2010 22:24

So sorry Meglet

My FIL died of cancer 2 years ago, and it was heartbreaking. We just followed his lead, he told us what he wanted, what he wanted to go to who, and that he wanted us all there as much as possible. He also asked that we only take the DC in towards the end so he coul say goodbye to them, but wanted me to come comb his hair and make him look more grandad like (hide the tubes) just before they came in.

Have you taken your DC in to see him?

2shoes · 28/05/2010 22:25

so sorry you are going through this, it is so hard.
I was so glad of the last few weeks I had with my dad, even though it was so awful, it was a time I will never get again.
don't worry about the funeral,
concentrate on being with him, hold his hand and treasure the time.

LauraNorder · 28/05/2010 22:26

thinking of you Meglet

LilRedWG · 28/05/2010 22:26

Re: funeral arraangements - I am sure that if your Dad had any major wishes he would have made them known years ago.

I remember as a teenager my Mum telling me how much she hated black at funerals so I promised that I'd wear a red dress to hers. A couple of days after she died I was to be found trawling around Debenhams trying on all the red dresses.

My siblings all wore a little colour with their black suits but I wore a scarlet dress - it was my very personal way of honouring my Mum.

OmegaMummy · 28/05/2010 22:30

the other posts have been so well worded - its brought memories back for me of my poor dad and his year long battle against cancer.

I cried a lot during that year when i saw him and was so angry about the situation but I'll always remember when he said once when I was so upset 'isnt it better for me to know how you feel about this than to ever be thinking that you didnt care. Now I know I have done a good job as a dad'.

I miss him dreadfully even after nearly 14 years but I never regret telling/showing how much I cared.

My prayers for you and all your family in this difficult time x

Original poster
Meglet · 28/05/2010 22:31

thank you all for your suggestions and thoughts, you are all so lovely . Yes, I am thankful that we get to say goodbye to dad as lots of people don't get that, he only retired from work last month (he's 66) but has gone downhill so fast that only a miracle will do now.

I'll be able to go up tomorrow a few times and have several visits as mum is coming to look after the dc's. My sister and step mum will also be back and forth so he won't be on his own this weekend. His sister is due to fly from the States on the 14th June but the nurse told my sister that she might want to come sooner.

I would just like to be able to sit there with him and watch the grand prix qualifying tomorrow and I will get some nice M&S veggie ready meals as he was a bit fed up with the hospice food. He's a veggie and getting a bit hacked off with them offering him fish dishes .

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 28/05/2010 22:33

I hope that you and your Dad enjoy the Grand Prix tomorrow Meglet.

If you want to talk off board please feel free to CAT me. I know there may be some questions you may not want to ask on here.

Original poster
Meglet · 28/05/2010 22:34

and yes, the dc's have been up a couple of times this week and I will take them up tomorrow. Probably for a couple of short visits as they are only 3 & 1 and start running riot after a while.

OP posts:
5inthebed · 28/05/2010 22:35

It's good that you're taking the DC in. Mine were 4 and 2 when their grandad died, so we only made short visits with them as well.

Hope your aunt manages to come out earlier.

BikeRunSki · 28/05/2010 22:45

Meglet, I'm so sorry. Hold his hand and tell him you love him. Have a laugh. Reminise. Spend time with him. Thank him for being a fabulous dad and grandad. Watch the grand prix qualifiers and just hand out.

My dad died 17 years ago. I was at uni and nobody told me how ill he was (he had been ill for 12 years before that, but deterioated suddenly). I hadn't seen him for 6 weeks before he died. I have always regretted not seeing him before he died.

mrsfollowill · 28/05/2010 22:48

I too have been sadly in your shoes. My Dad knew he was dying and developed a rather 'black' sense of humour. We (Mum, sister and I) were there with him to the very end. Just make sure you are with him. Sometimes you don't really need to say much but it is a comfort to you (and him) just to be there. He probably realises this is the end but does not want to upset you by talking about it. It's a great idea about tomorrow - do something you will both enjoy and give him some nice stuff to eat. He needs to be comfortable. Take care and remember although this will be a very tough period for you and your family it will get better over time. I still miss my dear Dad and always will.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 28/05/2010 22:50

Just be there as much as you can, tell him about your day, the weather, birds in the garden, singing or music playing,news of the children , gossip, silly jokes and reassure him that you will walk alongside him on this journey and promise to take care of and love those he leaves behind.

I am constantly comforted that my father had a good death, surrounded by us, holding his hand and talking gently at his bedside.

His death was calm and beautiful, gentle and timely.It was not frightening nor dramatic, just a simple slipping away, a gradual fading,an end of pain for him.

Don't be scared.

I felt I was priveliged to be there.

campocaro · 28/05/2010 23:02

My dad couldn't talk towards the end and ironically that's when I told him I loved him-everything I couldn't say before...I saw his eyes watering and that meant so much.

I wasn't there at the end -even though I had been at the hospice all the week before. The hospice nurse said that some people wait for the space when their relatives go out the room...

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 28/05/2010 23:08

campo

I have heard that too..

Ypur dad sounds dignified and caring to the end.

My father was able to receive hospice at home care, but it is as rare as hen's teeth.

inthesticks · 29/05/2010 13:48

I lost my lovely dad ten days ago.He was only diagnosed 5 weeks earlier and the whole experience has been like falling off a cliff.
He was in a hospice where he received the most wonderful, gentle care.

My experience as it was is that your dad will know he is dying. You need to say goodbye while he can still speak, as he probably won't be able to at the end. If your mum is alive you need to promise to take care of her.
We did lots of talking when dad first got his terminal diagnosis and I think we all said everything we needed to. Ironically though we never discussed the funeral and we did struggle with music. In the end we chose his favourite pieces rather than ours.

You can stay overnight at the hospice and the staff will tactfully let you know when the end is near.
Hope this helps

inthesticks · 29/05/2010 13:49

Oh and right at the end when dad was apparently unconcious he could still hear us and give a sqeeze of the hand to show it.

gypsymummy · 29/05/2010 13:55

today marks the fourth year of my father's passing and I can tell you one thing..just be there by his side and take in as much of his being there as you can. when my dad died it was sudden and we were countries apart and by the time i got there he had been buried.. to this day i just wish i had been able to see his face or hear his voice before he passed away..so just be there and make the best of the final moments ..one day you will cherich these silent but heavily significant moments more than anything..tell him of your love for him but no amount of worsd can beat your actual presence there with him.

purplehat · 29/05/2010 14:25

So sorry Meglet

In my Dad's final weeks I did the following:

Had some straws and a jug of water nearby so that every now and again- and if his lips seemed dry- I could suction a little water up and slowly drip it into his mouth for him. (Get a straw, hold it in the water and then pop your finger over the top and hold it there)
I had to take care to drip it in slowly so that he had time to swallow. Sometimes he would seem so desperate for it that I could tell he must have been thirsty but unable to tell me
I also took some lip balm in as that helped too

I second the suggestion of telling him stuff.
I recall saying to Dad 'Dad, I want you to know that I love you and that you could not have possibly been a better Dad to me. Ever since I was a little girl I have known how much you love me' A big tear slipped down his cheek but at least I knew he could hear me

I also told him other stuff. Every day stuff. Once I remember saying 'David (my brother) heard me prattling on to you the other day Dad and he said 'You know what- he could be lying there hoping to die if only to shut you up!' Dad moved suddenly and I knew that somewhere within him he was trying to laugh

I told him stuff I remembered from when I was a child, things I wanted to do in my future.

Okay I will stop going on and on now as I run the risk of waffle but my thoughts are very much with you xxx