one year since I lost mum and it doesn't get easier

[mumoverseas]

I lost my wonderful mum a year ago today. She was simply the best and the greatest nannie my kids could ever have had. Sadly DC4 never met her and I feel so sad that him and DC3 now 3.5 won't have the happy memories that DC1 and 2 had.

People say it gets easier but I'm sorry, from where I'm sitting crying and missing her, it is not getting easier, I just miss her more and more and feel myself and my youngest DC have been robbed of time with her and happy memories.

I don't give a shit that she is apparently watching over us. I want to see her and hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and for my little baby boy to cuddle his nannie.

Oh MoS - I saw your post and had to leave a message. Am so sorry your pain is still so raw - but as your mum was (and still is, through your memories of her) a huge part of your life, its completely natural and as anniversaries will always be when you miss lost ones most and want them actually there to be with one more time, it is understandable you're feeling this way today. Your mum knew she was deeply loved, she loved and was proud of you and your beautiful kids (all 4 of them) and DC1 DC2 and DC3 will have happy memories of her that they can share with H in times to come. Lots of blessings all round to count there.

I hope your family take good care of you today. Grieve and remember your mum and, even though it doesnt feel like it right now, time will eventually be a good healer.

oh dinky that is so lovely. You've made me smile and cry again. Thank you so much for that lovely post. Now go and be happy with your DH and lovely DC on a lovely sunny (I assume?) sunday

Will do MoS - tis indeed a lovely sunny day today. About to put DS2 down for a nap and get some breakfast I think...

dammit, I just know you are going to taunt me and have bacon butties
Actually feel a bit better for 'getting it out' as it were. Still can't really talk to DH about losing mum. I'm supposed to have got over it by now

Hi mumoverseas. I'm with you. It's still very raw for me. It's almost a year ago we started our nightmare. My dad was getting ready for his heart bypass exactly this time last year - going in for his hospital checks, information groups etc. Looking forward to his new start and healthier life post op, so optimistic.

The lovely weather brings it all back - the hopefulness we all had for the future, we were all so positive, thats the sort of man he was.

All to be blown to pieces as the weeks went by after he finally had his op. and died from pneumonia.

Sorry for going on - just felt I needed to share the story again.

Hugs to everyone who is in this position.

It does get easier, trust me. The missing them bit doesn't go away, but your ability to cope with it will get better.

And there will be a time when you see her in your DCs - my DD is so like my mum in character (stroppy, clever, argumentative!), and DS3 looks just like my father - it gives me a huge amount of pleasure, and you can really see how your parents live on through you.

A year is no time at all - go easy on yourself.

MOS
I would love to tell you it gets easier, but it will fade a bit in time. but it must be so hard for you so far away,
you are a credit to your mum.
remember the good times.
look at your children and see her in them
my dad lives on in my kids.

anastasia I remember you from a 'lost parent' thread last year. Its crap isn't it. My mum died from pneumonia too (officially) although I always had my doubts. I just don't get how she could have died on a lovely warm sunny bank holiday weekend.

I'm sorry for yours and Hassled's losses.
I think the problem is, friends (and DH's!) who haven't been through it have absolutely no idea how it feels.

Hassled you are so right about seeing mum (and dad) in the DC. DD2 (3.5) remembers nannie which really suprises me as she was just 2.2yrs when she last saw her. A few days ago she was complaining that her knee was sore (she'd fallen over and grazed it) and I said I'd put some cream on it. She said 'its ok, I'll get married and then it will be better'. My mum always used to say 'it will be better before you get married'. (actually, sounds like my DD is just like yours!)

Thanks for your comments ladies x

2shoes x-post with you.
Thanks for your lovely post too. You are all right, mum (and dad) live on in DC. Think that her house sale is going through isn't helping. Will be glad when it is all over. Was looking through my wedding photos today and found a lovely photo of mum and I. Will go out later this week and buy a frame for it.

Hope to see you soon in Brighton. Only 34 days til I come home

you will have to give us some dates, so we can get organising a meet up

30th June to around 4th Sept. I'm sure we can fit in a few meet/piss ups

I have to say, you are my favourite 'Brighton girl'. I remember meeting you a few days after mum's funeral when I was still shell shocked and you were so lovely

aww
you were way to glam

thread here

I feel so special

It was a year ago last Tuesday that I lost my mum. I spent the day with my dad, we kept busy.. his way of handling it isnt to talk much at all and just get on.. its not what I'd prefer but I dont want to upset him.

Its hard having no-one to talk to, like you guys I am surrounded by people who dont understand because they havent been through it. (Which of course is a good thing, just doesnt give me anyone around who 'gets it'.)

I'm not crying as much now, when I do, everything feels utterly hopeless and I still cant accept that she's gone, that it was so sudden and unexpected, that she's not here to share things with. I'd give absolutely anything to have her back.

So, I just wanted to let you know I'm with you.. I have a good idea how you're feeling and I know how unbelievably hard it is, one year seems a long time in some ways and a very short time in others.

Take care x

mumoverseas to you. Mum passed away 3 years ago. It does not get 'easier', you find a way to manage it and live with it and it sort of finds a place where it does not stop you in your tracks quite so often. But it does still stop you in your tracks from time to time. Like a punch. I found the first 18 months harder in terms of missing. I did not 'miss' her at first, as it was like she was on holiday, or, away for a bit, then over time, she was still not there, and then it was hard for a while. Be kind to yourself, it will take as long as it takes to feel able to cope with it.

I also never really understood the 'she is watching over you' either. I guess it is meant to provide comfort, but it never did for me.

Littlegirllost and pavlov thanks for your messages. Its good to 'talk' to people in the same boat although I'm so very sorry for your losses and that you are in the same boat.

No one really understands. Most of my friends still have their mum and dad. I have neither. I feel jealous when they are talking about making plans and going to visit their mums/dads and their DC spending time with nannie and grandad. I feel like being childish and stamping my foot shouting 'its not fair'.

At times I still have that 'I must phone mum' moment and it takes a split second for me to remember.

Hugs to you both and thanks for 'being there' for me xx

Hi
I didn't want to not reply to this thread, but really all I can say is as everyone else has.
It was 5 years ago last Sunday that my Mum died.
I think about her every day and miss her loads, BUT the pain is easier to bear.
DD was to young to remember my Mum and DS has never met her, but we have loads of photos and talk about her quite a bit!!
It really does get easier to cope with the feelings that we have about losing someone so incredibly close to us.
Love to all.xx

MumOverSeas, I remember you posting last year. It will be 10 years tomorrow since my Mum died. Bloody hard.
I think the first year is the hardest in some ways, but I expected it to be, the second threw me as I thought I was supposed to be better.

Carry on just being how you're being, whether that is angry, confused, sad, happy, hopeful etc etc. Just try not to let it consume you and dictate who you are and what you do.

I try to think of my grief at losing my Mum as a bag I carry. Sometimes it is on my back and as light as air and so easy to carry I can forget it is there. Other times it is a heavy shopping bag that can make me weary and unbalanced. However it can also be a large heavy duffle bag I drag along the floor or a small purse I hold in my hand.
I want to be in a place where I am carrying the back pack but am happy when I remember I carry all the special memories off my time with my mum in it.

Thinking of you all.

mos my DH and one good friend 'understood' of sorts. DH was not close to his dad, but lost him about 2 years before mum, he had just started the process of healing a rift between them so mourned the 'what was to be' as much as what 'was'. My good friend, I was not so close to him, until after mum became ill as his mother had the same illness, we never talked about it, not til later, but he and his partner were there. Other friends, i lost touch with some, distanced myself somewhat, i felt angry that they did not understand, like they should have known the pain i was feeling. They should not be laughing, joking, or talking about their parents for a long time. Of course they should, but I felt like how can they? Now, i am more understanding about most of them (the odd one, made me realise how insular they are!) as I realise that could not possibly have known, they have lost no-one close, and yet I lost both parents (like you).

I had a hard day the other day when I was lying on the sofa, talking on the phone with my legs up against the wall. I realised, talking to a good friend that I have not done that in over 3 years. I only ever spoke to my mum at length on the phone (weekly for at least one hour) and i used to lounge on the sofa with legs up against the wall. As I lay there, I suddenly felt overwhelmed when it hit me, after 3 years, that I would had not and would not ever talk to anyone on the phone like I did with her and I took my legs down as it did not feel right. That was a punch and it floored me for the rest of the day.

But I also agree that our parents live through our children. My DD is 3, almost 4 and although she does not look like my mum for the most part, she will make a particular face and for a split second, there is my mum and that makes me smile.

it does change over time i think, not sure easier is the right word, but it does change over time.
anniversaries are tough and can knock you sideways in the lead up to and afterwards too
take care of yourself and keep talking about your mum it really does help.

just found this thread as can't sleep thinking of tomorrow, ds's 9th birthday and first without Nanny phoning him before he goes to school. Life is just shit, it all ends the same way and we all lose the things we love. No, I don't get the watching over you thing either, although after staring out the window I tried looking through dh's telescope at a winking star as it looked especially bright and then you start thinking, is there something else? Not that I expected to see my Mum (passed away last December) waving from it, just wondered why it was so bright (could n't see a thing, prob using it back to front or something but don't know what I expected to see, just desperate for a sign that all this means something). Does it get easier? Does the stone in your stomach and the pain in your chest lighten? I know it must do having lost my Dad years ago. Guess you have to look to the future, make things as great as they can be for the next generation and try to carry on all the good things that you were given by your Mother, but on the pathway through life this is a very dark and lonely place to get past.

thank you so much for your posts ladies. I'm in tears sitting reading them and am not capable of a proper response at this time. I will come back later when I feel a bit stronger. I have to say though that for the first time in a year, I don't feel so alone. Thank you and hugs to all of you who have suffered losses too. x

so you're still up too, mumoverseas? i'm sorry to have been so negative. I'm in Spain and dawn is just breaking, i've opened the windows and the dawn chorus is beautiful. life goes on, we're all part of a much bigger thing and we need to pass on all the good things to our children. take care x

hi grumpy, sorry, x-post with your earlier post. Yes I'm up early, always am here (Saudi) We are 2 hours ahead of UK and life starts earlier here. Office hours start at 7am and school at 7.45am.

Don't apologize for being negative, we all are at times. Its clear from this thread that this is normal and maybe its a good thing that we have threads like this so we can offload. I have to admit really resenting DH at times over the last year as he just hasn't been there for me. Within days of mum's death I was being told to pull myself together and get over it and this was before we'd even buried her.

I'm so sorry for your poor DS tomorrow. That will be a hard one. My mum died 3 weeks before DD1's 13th birthday and her funeral was a few days after the birthday which was hard. DS1 was mid-way through his GCSEs when she died and we basically had to arrange the funeral around exams. He flew back to the UK for a few days, helped carry nannie's coffin then the next day flew back on his own to Saudi to sit an other exam. His grades were much lower than expected which is sad as he really wants to go to Cambridge Uni and I'm hoping the lower GCSE grades won't put a stop to that dream. Nannie was so proud of him.

The hardest thing for me to live with is that my lovely mum didn't meet DC4, my gorgeous little boy who is now 15 months. He was born in Saudi and she died 2 weeks before we were flying back to the UK for the summer so she could meet him and spend so much quality time with him. I'd do anything to go back and change that and have flown home earlier.

Take care grumpy and all you others x