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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

one year since I lost mum and it doesn't get easier

44 replies

mumoverseas · 23/05/2010 08:05

I lost my wonderful mum a year ago today. She was simply the best and the greatest nannie my kids could ever have had. Sadly DC4 never met her and I feel so sad that him and DC3 now 3.5 won't have the happy memories that DC1 and 2 had.

People say it gets easier but I'm sorry, from where I'm sitting crying and missing her, it is not getting easier, I just miss her more and more and feel myself and my youngest DC have been robbed of time with her and happy memories.

I don't give a shit that she is apparently watching over us. I want to see her and hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and for my little baby boy to cuddle his nannie.

OP posts:

chimchar · 24/05/2010 07:02

hi mumoverseas. have not read all of the threads here...having to post and run. will re read later.

we "spoke" on a few threads here. my mum died last july. i'm doing ok...have blocked it out iykwim?

have the odd day of crying and wailing, but am trying very hard to live for the moment...

thinking of you, and sending you hugs.

will be back later on, i have to go to work now...grrr.

take care. x

Sidge · 24/05/2010 07:14

Hugs to you MOS.

Hope the day wasn't too raw.

You're over soon aren't you? I won't be able to do the Brighton meet up (DD1 breaks up that day - Speech Day - groan!) but maybe we can get together over the summer? CAT me if you like.

Original poster

mumoverseas · 24/05/2010 10:49

hi chimchar, yes I remember us meeting under the same crappy circumstances. I'd been doing 'okish' for a while but the anniversary just floored me. I hope you do ok in July. Think anniversarys/birthdays are there to kick us in the teeth just when we think we are 'getting there' and coming to terms with it. Hope you manage ok in July.

Sidge, thanks for your kind words. I know you've had a crappy few months yourself.
Yes, I'm back in UK from 30th June (British Airways permitting!) until beginning of Sept. Hadn't realised you were one of the Brighton girls We will have to sort out a date that you can come or else have lots of meet ups. Arse, you just got me thinking, wonder if my DD has something on that day although I'm pretty sure her school finishes the day before.
Don't have CAT (I think!) but maybe 2shoes or LilRed can put us in touch?

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Sidge · 24/05/2010 10:55

I'm not Brighton but I'm not a million miles away (I'm near Portsmouth).

I think my CAT has expired but you can also get me at neverenoughsleep at hotmail dot co dot uk

Original poster

mumoverseas · 24/05/2010 10:59

ooh, might have to pop down and see you. Mum's house is down that way (H.I). It is going to be sold in the next month or so and I've got to get down there and rescue a few mementos as soon as I return to the UK. Will email you later.

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Sidge · 24/05/2010 12:02

Great! Let me know when you're down this way and we'll meet for wine and cake tea and ice cream

Glitter220 · 24/05/2010 12:18

A year is simply no time at all when you are grieving for a loved one. My mum passed away 10 years ago and when I read your message all the pain I felt when I lost her came flooding back and the tears too. I still miss her and wish she was here to share all the milestones in my children's lives, the little things as well as the major things.

You will never completely get over the loss because she is irreplaceable but truly it does get easier, and the time will come when you will be able to talk about her without crying.

LilRedWG · 24/05/2010 21:24

MOS - I missed this yesterday, but know that I am thinking of you regularly. xxxx

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 24/05/2010 23:04

Mum

I am so sorry for you, and it is especially hard around the important dates.
My wonderful father died 4 years ago and living with the loss has got easier over time.

What helped me was the realisation that my father had left me a wonderful legacy: unconditional love,and in turn, because I had received this love, it has made my job as a mother so much easier because I know how to love my children in the same way.

Each hug, each exchange of encouragement and laughter, each and every warm feeling is in some way his living and ongoing legacy.

Unwittingly you manifest her to your own children,and if this sound a bit 'syrupy' just reassure yourself that we all know the sad consequences for uncherished children.

Original poster

mumoverseas · 25/05/2010 13:39

thank you for your kind comments ladies. Its almost reassuring to know that I'm not alone in my feelings although I'm so sorry that you are in the same position as me. Most of my friends still have their mum and dad so they have no idea how I feel.

Had a better day today, trying to be positive as mum would have been very sad to see me the way I've been recently.

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BCBG · 26/05/2010 20:15

hi Mumoverseas: you might remember me as my mum died a few days after yours ....I struggle to get my writing going but last night I started to remember how when she was dying in that room i remembered how she gave birth to me at home before the ambulance came,and for once I'm proud I wrote a poem I'm willing to share. I don't know why it comforted me to have achieved such a small milestone, but it does:

Original poster

mumoverseas · 28/05/2010 04:51

Thats lovely BCBG things like writing the poem are a comfort and a major achievement. Your mum would be very proud of you.

I've struggled so much over the last year. When mum died I was mid-way through a counselling course and had to put it on hold as simply couldn't help anyone else when I was falling apart. I finally pulled myself together in January enough to continue the course and got an excellent result and glowing feedback from my tutor who encouraged me to continue on with the next course. I also did a 10 week practical skills course (the other one was a distance learning theory one) and at the end of the course the course leader joked (I thought) that I could take over the running of the course and the counselling service out here (in the Middle East)
A few days ago he approached me and officially asked me to take over it which I am now in the process of doing. I am somewhat shocked but flattered that he chose me but both he and the other instructor commented on numerous times about my empathy and how good my counselling skills were. Maybe having been through several bereavements makes us good at helping others?

Anyway, well done again to you and carry on with your writing x

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thumbwitch · 28/05/2010 04:56

momoverseas - there is no set time frame to "get over" someone close.

My Mum died nearly 3 years ago and I don't think I have actually even accepted it yet, let alone started to grieve properly. I was 19w pg when she died and had to stay calm for my baby - I think it became a habit and I haven't yet properly opened the box where I placed the grief. Every now and then it pops up but never for long. My DS never met her either - very sad for both of us - she at least knew her other 5 DGC so not all bad, but I was the last one to have DC.

Hope you are feeling a bit stronger - and remember that your sadness is an expression of the great love you have for your mum.

((hugs)) for you.

Original poster

mumoverseas · 28/05/2010 05:01

oh thumbwitch hugs back to you. Assume you are 'overseas' as well?

It must of been terrible for you being pg when you lost your mum. I suppose I should be grateful that mum knew that my little boy was born and she was so touched that his middle name was after my dad who we'd lost a few years before. Just wish she'd met him though
You should try to be positive in that your mum knew you were having a baby and she must have been so happy that her baby was finally having one if that makes sense. It is so very sad that our children will never know their nannies but we must make sure that they know about them x

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thumbwitch · 28/05/2010 07:12

Sure am, mumoverseas - am in Australia now. It was dreadful - she had seen our first scan pic but died just before the 20w scan pic . My Dad signed all cards from him to us with Mum's name as well - DS's first card was from Grandpa and Nanna in heaven. Means nothing to him at the mo as he is only 2.6 but I hope in years to come he will be touched by it.

Funny thing is that I am the oldest child but the last to have any DC. Ah well.

Original poster

mumoverseas · 28/05/2010 13:39

oh that has brought tears to my eyes the thought of your lovely dad signing from Nanna too. My DD (3.5) sometimes talks about Nannie in heaven but she really doesn't understand. I am suprised that she remembers her as last saw her when she was 2.2 but definitely does remember her as when we were back at our UK house after nannie died she kept going into the guest room and calling it nannies room

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thumbwitch · 28/05/2010 14:38

It's funny what they do remember, isn't it. I was very impressed that DS seemed to remember his way around my Dad's house after a 6m gap (from him being 19mo to 2.1) - but he did! He even remembered the toys he used to play with and where they were. Doesn't mean he'll remember it next time though.

Original poster

mumoverseas · 28/05/2010 17:06

so why is it they can't remember what they had for breakfast most days

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follygirl · 31/05/2010 20:06

MOS sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Dad in Nov 2007 and still miss him a lot. Although he met my 2 dc, my ds was only 1 so doesn't remember him at all. However I can see my Dad in him, he has a naughty twinkle in his eyes which my Dad had.
I do have some friends who have sadly lost a parent so they understand but my dh still has his parents and I don't think you can truly understand what it is like until you go through it. It's the same as losing a child, I can't really imagine how awful that must be.
Sorry rambling now............just wanted to say, don't be hard on yourself, it's only been a short while and although I don't think you ever 'get over it', I do think that the pain does fade a bit in time.

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