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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my son has died

46 replies

lavandes · 04/05/2010 05:29

my 34 year old son died suddenly after an accident 2 weeks ago. I don't know how to start coping.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 05:31

SO to hear this - didn't want you to go unanswered.

WHo have you around you? Has the funeral happened yet? PEople will come and help - lots of posters (sadly) in similar position who will be able to give you more relevant advice/help.

Have you contacted Cruse?

ClaudiaSchiffer · 04/05/2010 06:07

Oh goodness, how terrible. I am so sorry. Do you have people close to you Lavandes?

What an awful awful thing to have happened. Would you like to tell us about your son|?

noddyholder · 04/05/2010 06:13

I am so sorry .Do you have a dh and other family to support you?

kittywise · 04/05/2010 06:20

My heart goes out to you lavendes

Themasterandmargaritas · 04/05/2010 06:21

Lavandes I am so, so sorry, it must be heartbreaking.

Do tell us about him if you feel up to it. Do you have some support around you?

HollyGoHeavily · 04/05/2010 06:23

I am so sorry Lavandes. Would you like to share some things about your son with us?

MmeLindt · 04/05/2010 06:30

How awful, Lavandes.

You don't need to start coping, just concentrate on getting through each day.

Thinking of you.

BigBadMummy · 04/05/2010 06:50

Lavandes my heart goes out to you. What a dreadful dreadful shock.

You must be going through so many emotions at the moment.

Do you have people around you to support you? Accept all offers of help.

We are all here if you would like to share more about your son. And as the day progresses more people who have experienced your grief will come along and post.

My MIL lost her 40 year old son suddenly in September so I know some of the raw grief you are feeling at losing your son so suddenly and "needlessly" right now.

I will be thinking of you today.

Original poster
lavandes · 04/05/2010 08:37

it was such an awful shock to be told by a policeman in our kitchen. He was our youngest son and he lived about 3 hours away. Our other son lives in Australia and did not come for the funeral.He was so upset that we did not want him to make such a long journey alone, the flights were still disrupted because of the ash cloud. I just wanted him to stay where was and be safe. He is coming over later in the year but we talk daily. We had the funeral last Wednesday. Our son had a nine year old son and a 12 year old stepson, he was separated from their mother but they remained friends. The children have been so brave and we feel we must be strong for them but it is so difficult at the moment. I don't think I have come to terms with it yet. Some of the time I think I am sort of OK then I am in bits again. We have had a lot of support from our family and friends. Thanks for all the messages. I think I need to talk to other mums who have experienced this, I think only a mother can understand. My husband is a tower of strength. He has gone to work today, I am OK with that because he needs to work to keep himself sane, if he stayed at home I do not think it would do him any good and he would not be any help to me. I think that this tragedy has brought us closer together.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/05/2010 08:58

That is so sad lavandes esp about your other son he must be heartbroken being so far away.Your dh sounds great you are lucky to have each other at a time like this but no parent should have to suffer that.

BigBadMummy · 04/05/2010 09:16

Lavandes, one of the lines you posted has really struck a cord with me.

You know, you don't need to be strong for the children.

You think you do. But you don't.

They need to see that it is okay to be upset. It is okay to cry. It is real and that is what adults do.

My children saw me cry copious amounts of tears when their beloved uncle died. We cried together, we cried alone. I hugged them as they cried and when I was crying my DCs brought me tissues.

You are an amazing lady and being strong all the time is hard so you really don't need to do it.

Bottling up your emotions is not always a good thing.

It is good that you talk to your son in Australia, but again talk to him about how you feel and don't just say what you think he wants to hear.

I know that will be hard. But for you own sake you have to grieve too.

Your husband sounds amazing and it is good that he is there and that you have been able to support each other.

There are lots of support groups on the web that you can join if you want outside support. Or keep posting here, people will always be around to listen.

MmeLindt · 04/05/2010 09:28

Lavandes
There is a chat thread on MN, you will find other posters there who have sadly lost children and will understand your feelings. Have a look here

CheeryCherry · 04/05/2010 09:56

So sorry for your loss, and sending warm wishes that you get through this very difficult time. My sister was killed aged 31, leaving a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. It was, obviously, the worst time of my life. My parents were devastated for a long time, but found it very hard to talk...please make sure you talk, even if you seem to be repeating yourself endlessly...it needs to come out.And don't aim too high, be kind to yourself and give yourself lots and lots od time. Thinking of you.

shabbapinkfrog · 04/05/2010 09:58

Lavandes Im so very sorry for your loss. Could I please echo MMe's post and the link she gave you? I have lost two of my four sons and I find the greatest support and friendship from the bereaved mums thread. We have mums, grandma's and siblings on our thread - some of us have had this grief for many years and some are just beginning. I know you would be 'welcomed' (if that is the right word) into what is, in my opinion, the safest haven I have ever found.

It is such early days for you....also agree with the post that says dont think you have to be strong for others - you really, really dont. I tried to do that for many years and its too difficult. Please take care and come along to our special thread. xxxxxxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 04/05/2010 13:09

Hi Lavandes. I'm another mum from the bereaved mothers thread. Come over and have a chat with us, or keep posting here and we can talk here if you want to.

I'm so sorry to hear about your darling son. It's just a horrible and appalling waste isn't it?

Early grief is the most gut-wrenching, overwhelming and tiring time. It's ok not to cope and it's ok not to put a front on all of the time.

It's good to hear that you and your dh's relationship is strong. It was the same for us and has been ever since. Talk, talk and talk some more to eachother. Communication and being open are key I think.

Tortington · 04/05/2010 13:18

sorry for your loss x

TripleThreatIcansingIcandanceI · 04/05/2010 13:24

Lavandes I am so sorry for your loss

I LikeToMoveItmoveit- what great advice- so sorry for you too.

bumpybecky · 04/05/2010 13:33

so sorry for your loss xx

mshadowsisfab · 04/05/2010 13:34

so very sorry for your sad loss

Original poster
lavandes · 05/05/2010 04:50

Thanks for all your kind messages. The worst time at the moment is waking up in the middle of the night and it hits me like a truck, that is the only way I can describe it, I don't want to take sleeping pills cos I don't want to turn into a Zombie so I get up for a while. Nothing can prepare you for this. I feel I am being punished but I do not know what I have done wrong,did anyone else feel this, is this normal?

OP posts:
giraffesCANdriveAcar · 05/05/2010 05:26

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are not being punished, you have done nothing wrong, life is so cruel and unfair. Keep talking on here, there is lots of support here for you. Take care. x

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2010 05:36

So sorry for you loss.

travellingwilbury · 05/05/2010 06:45

lavandes , another bereaved mum here , what you are describing is completely normal . The middle of the night was always the worst for me too in those early days . I used to look at my dh who managed to sleep and I wanted to slap him . He used sleep as a release from the nightmare where as I hated sleeping as I knew that when I woke up it would hit me all over again .

I am so sorry for what you are going through . I remember that raw pain so well . I am 8 1/2 yrs down this path and on the whole life is good again . I think of my son every day but now I tend to smile at the memories and not be broken by them .

Be kind to yourself and I echo what others have said about being strong . You don't need to be strong for anyone , let others look after you for now .

motherbeyond · 05/05/2010 07:20

i am so very sorry for you.xx

SixtyFootDoll · 05/05/2010 07:51

So very sorry to hear this Lavandes.
Thinking of you and your family.x