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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

friend's ds has died, how should we respond?

36 replies

littlebylittle · 15/03/2010 17:34

He was poorly for a very long time and has now died. We were close, but haven't been for a while (since before he became ill) and certainly aren't in their "inner circle" of support. I know that doing nothing is definitely the wrong thing to do, I imagine that we can't really do much to make such a dreadful time worse, but want to send, give, visit or contact in the way that will be the most helpful to their family. If we do pop round with card, should it be sooner or give it a little while? Or is by post more appropriate now and followed up in a little while? Should we cook, will cake be appropriate as I understand they have for some time had a rota of meal providers? Might they appreciate a voucher for a takeaway or something similar, eg m and s? Would a card including some memories of their ds be appropriate? I just don't know and would value ideas if anyone is able to help. I am going round in circles to find the right thing to do.

OP posts:

posieparkerfuckityfuck · 15/03/2010 17:36

I would send a card within the first week, sometimes I have waited so it doesn't seem too trivial but I have regretted it.

I'm sure there will be someone along soon who has better advice.

belgo · 15/03/2010 17:37

I would send a card by post and follow it up in a little while.

I wouldn't send a voucher, I would find that a little odd.

Hassled · 15/03/2010 17:38

I think at this stage just a letter saying how sorry you are and with some nice memories would be the best bet. And then maybe call in a couple of weeks or more. Do you know anyone who is a closer friend who may have a clearer idea of what they will need?

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/03/2010 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nettee · 15/03/2010 17:45

go round with some stew/cake/anything and listen to them and write them a letter including some nice memories of their son. They don't want to be avoided

My sister died 10 years ago and we mainly stayed at home, read letters, made picture montages and had visitors and talked about her and ate stews made by said visitors. People we didn't know very well came and did all the above and we really appreciated it.

not a voucher - they would still have to organise the food - something easy so they don't have to think about it.

Pluto · 15/03/2010 17:48

A card with a little letter remembering their son and and letting them know you'll be in touch with them soon I'm sure will be really appreciated. Cooking some meals for their freezer at any time in those initial months of bereavement or as those first anniversaries occur, would be a really kind gesture as it could be hard for them for a long time to come.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 15/03/2010 17:56

Card/letter first, follow-up with food later (not ages later though) would probably be my instinct. Agree the voucher might be odd.

Have to admit I have never actually been in this position though. Good on you for making an effort to work out what is right for them.

dittany · 15/03/2010 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum · 15/03/2010 18:08

When our ds died, tbh I was swamped with so many flowers I felt even worse.

What I really appreciated was the odd card which had a couple of lines about a memory of him, or how he'd touched their life in some way (ds's head teacher said that his special gift was in bringing out the kinder, gentler side of alll who knew him), or alternatively a photo of your friend's ds would be much appreciated - I felt I couldn't have enough photos as they were all I had left.

posieparkerfuckityfuck · 15/03/2010 18:14

Mumble, that's really touching and kind advice. Sorry you lost you son.

blossoming · 15/03/2010 18:24

My daughter died recently. I found that nobody really knows what to do.
I really appreciated every phone call, even if the person on the other end of the phone didn't know what to say, every card, every visit. The important thing is to do something, we don't want to be avoided.

travellingwilbury · 15/03/2010 18:30

I would send a card now and maybe give them a ring too . No flowers or cake I think , I remember someone sending me a really gorgeous bouquet of flowers after my ds died and tbh they just looked to bloody cheerful .

Do they have other children ?

I second the idea of a card with memories of their son written in there . It will matter to them . I know that whatever you do you will feel it is not enough but honestly all the little things really make a difference .

merryberry · 15/03/2010 18:39

and put a reminder in your diary for say 4 or 5 months after they have had a service to say goodbye to him, when life is going on and they >might< feel left alone with their grief. offer some flowers for the family then and offer an ear on how things are going, if they want to talk. that time is hard, after a loss, you can feel your lost one and you are really being forgotten after a while

Hassled · 15/03/2010 18:45

mumblechum and blossoming - I'm so sorry.

Original poster

littlebylittle · 15/03/2010 18:59

Thank you so much and sorry for your loss to those who have lost loved ones. DH home and we have thoughts to do the following. He feels that he wants to call this evening. I trust his judgement and as he says, they are generally call screeners so will screen his call if they don't want to talk. He (it is dh who knows them best and is also better in any situation at finding something, usually right, to say) is also going to pop round tomorrow with something home made and a card, with memories of their ds. I think it will be cake, perhaps because when I am feeling dreadful I can eat cake if nothing else. If this is dreadful, please say, I seem to respond to all life's events by baking. But it won't be a fancy cake, probably fruit. I am going to mark the calendar now, to do something in four months time. I have never had a bereavement like this, but after my miscarriage, after the initial stuff had gone, I felt dreadful but no one knew and thought I was "over it".
travellingwilbury, they have a dd and a baby ds. Should we do something for them do you think?
mumblechum, I might make the four months time thing some photos.
thank

OP posts:

posieparkerfuckityfuck · 15/03/2010 19:15

Blossoming, so sorry to hear that you have lost your daughter.

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 19:36

I really feel that cake isn't the way to go but definitely a card and a call if your dh is able too.

posieparker · 15/03/2010 19:42

What about a loaf of bread or shepherds pie or something? Even a nice pasta sauce and a bag of pasta....

snickersnack · 15/03/2010 19:46

When the ds of some friends of ours died we sent a card. Then four months or so later I wrote a letter to his mother. Honestly, it was the hardest thing i'd ever had to write because the circumstances of his death were so awful. But many months later she told me how much she'd appreciated the letter, as apart from her closest friends (both geographically and emotionally, and we were neither) they'd been pretty much left alone once the initial flurry of cards subsided.

PiratePrincess · 15/03/2010 20:45

When my DD1 died I really, really appreciated the cards. My boss brought round a basket of flowers and that was lovely.

Have to say, I don't think baking is appropriate, as you're not very close.

A card will suffice. Plus, if you see his family out and about in the future, be sure to mention him by name. He existed - he had a name - use it. They will want to talk about him.

chimchar · 15/03/2010 20:57

sorry to hear about all of your losses.

i have to say that i think that cake is fine...when my mum died last year, lots of people took cake to my dads...its nice to be able to offer visitors something to eat without having to stress about being out of biscuits etc...

i couldn't eat a meal at all for ages, but could manage a piece of cake with a coffee.

again, as lots have said, write a lovely memory of your friends ds...its the little things that make you smile.

i think too that maybe a little gift for the other kids may go down well...a new colouring book and crayons, a new dvd to watch, a little toy....something that will give them interest in so that the parents can have half an hour of calm while they play....it may seem inappropriate, could your dh ask if that would be ok with them to do that?

also, before you visit them, call ahead to double check its ok, and also offer to take bread/milk etc for them...nothing worse than running out of the basics and having to go out when you feel like sobbing...

hth a bit...you sound really thoughtful and lovely.

peterpansmum · 15/03/2010 21:02

In my experience in grief what's right for one person is so wrong for another. My DS2 died very suddenly a year ago today and folks i know did all sorts of things for me from bags of shopping, buying biscuits, sending cards, cooking meals, bunches of flowers - I hated the flowers and as quickly as the bunches were being delivered i was giving them away to visitors. I loved the very personal cards which mentioned special memories about him and how he touched others.

Stick with your (or your husband's) instincts is what i'd suggest and you're better to do/say something even if it turns out to be not quite what your friends would want. How old is their DD?

chegirlWILLbeserene · 15/03/2010 21:31

I agree with all those who have mentioned cards with memories.

These are the things you cherish long after people seem to have forgotten your child ever exsisted.

It brings such comfort (albeit bittersweet) to read about how others knew your child. Memories of days out or funny things they said or even how brave or beautiful they were. These things can make such a difference as we feel our children are disappearing as the years pass. Not to us but to others who are getting on with their lives.

I found a pile of cards a few weeks ago. I must of read them at the time but they didnt register. How lovely to be able to read a few years later how much my darling girl was loved by others. I also found quite a lot of money tucked away which is a bit odd but I know that people just wanted to do something.

Sending love to everyone on this thread that knows the pain of losing their child.

I am very sorry that your friends are having to go through this .

Original poster

littlebylittle · 15/03/2010 23:11

Thank you. dh rang earlier and think was right to do so. Our friend and dh talked for quite a while about his ds and other things completely unrelated. DH could also pass on good wishes from people he'd spoken to. I've written a card with memories in it, pretty light hearted ones mostly because we don't have any others. DH will drop it round tomorrow.
My mum lost a child, my brother, and although I remember little about it I feel very strongly about getting this right, although in the end there isn't really a "right".

OP posts:

DolceeBanana · 15/03/2010 23:24

little - so sorry to hear this... so sad...but your kind thoughts will really help your friends at this desperate time. It is best to try and speak outwardly and openly about their little boy...sometimes people are awkward and try to avoid the subject, in case they feel they might cause upset, but it is so heartwarming to have people mention them by name...A member of my extended family was very sadly and tragically killed a few years ago, and it was therapeutic to have a good cry with friends about it.

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