friend's ds has died, how should we respond?

[littlebylittle]

He was poorly for a very long time and has now died. We were close, but haven't been for a while (since before he became ill) and certainly aren't in their "inner circle" of support. I know that doing nothing is definitely the wrong thing to do, I imagine that we can't really do much to make such a dreadful time worse, but want to send, give, visit or contact in the way that will be the most helpful to their family. If we do pop round with card, should it be sooner or give it a little while? Or is by post more appropriate now and followed up in a little while? Should we cook, will cake be appropriate as I understand they have for some time had a rota of meal providers? Might they appreciate a voucher for a takeaway or something similar, eg m and s? Would a card including some memories of their ds be appropriate? I just don't know and would value ideas if anyone is able to help. I am going round in circles to find the right thing to do.

A friend of mine (not close) lost her 7 month old baby son a few years ago, I remember phoning her house, I didn't think she would want to talk but I just couldn't not call. I had a baby the same age. A friend of the family answered and I was going to just leave a message with him, but he said "wait, she'll want to speak to you". It seemed like she rushed to the phone...I was almost caught out, and I found it difficult to say much, but I knew from her coming to the phone that she needed to hear from people.

You have the right idea. I am sure that your dh and you between you will bring some comfort.

I can't speak for anyone in this situation but I am sure that our friends want to be with people at the moment. when dh dropped card in he was invited in for a cup of tea and although he couldn't that day he will do in the next couple of days. I could sit around for ages mithering about why we weren't in touch much when the little boy was poorly, but actually the best we can do is be in touch now. I think I must call myself too, even though I'm scared that I'll be tongue tied, but I want them to know we're both there.
This is another point which i hope you won't mind me asking. How do we, or indeed do we at all, tell our little girl (four) about what has happened? My parents didn't tell me the truth about my brother and I know that they will have done it for the best of reasons, but it hurt me a lot to find out from someone else exactly what happened. Now, dd doesn't know the little boy who died, but we will be going to the funeral, and she always wants to know where we're going if she's not. So, what should we say? She is a bit hung up on death at the moment, it's a new concept and she often says she doesn't want to die. I have never told her that only old people die, but equally she hasn't asked if children ever die so I haven't said so.

I also wanted to be with people , we had an open house for a long time . I couldn't cope when the house was empty .

I really don't know what I would do about telling your daughter . If you are going to get in touch with the family and maybe start your friendship up again will your daughter be involved in the future ? I would worry about not telling her now and then having her pointing out a picture in the house and asking who it is .
Most children around 4 and 5 start getting interested in death but they do seem to have a more straight forward attitude to it . They tend to see it at face value and also if you believe in heaven they can wonder why people are even upset about someone dying as the loved one has gone to such a great place .

My sons have had to learn about death at a young age and although we wnet through a tricky stage when one of my sons was about 4 I think it was more about him feeling left out because he hadn't met his brother rather than the fact he had died .

I also needed people around me. The silence in the house was deafening as 2 year olds make a lot of noise!! My ds1 was 4.5 when his wee brother died. My view is you should tell your dd as honestly as you can. She'll notice your sadness and that's ok but telling her will help her understand why you are sad. Use the proper words like died, illness, stop breathing, heart, etc - whatever you think is appropriate for her. I had no choice I had to tell my ds1. I think children worry lots about the stuff they don't know or understand. Things that worked for me - use Books from the library you don't have to tell the story on the pages but you can use them to help you tell the story you want to tell her as like my son she won't notice whether you're reading the words on the page or making it up (e.g. sad isn't bad) there are loads of childrens first look at death books. It's by no means an easy conversation but you'll probably be surprised how matter of face kids are with death. Yes she'll probably worry about whether you'll die or whether she'll die.

Sorry am rambling now. One other thing though... your approach i think is right to contact them - you'll never know what the right words are because there aren't any but if you can pop in share a cuppa and give them a hug they'll probably appreciate that more than you could imagine. good luck xx

My cousin died and my aunt found the memories and photos from other people immensely comforting.

I always send her flowers on my cousin's birthday, which I know she appreciates hugely. I think whatever you choose to do now, note the little boy's birthday and get in touch again then.

I think one of the hardest things for a bereaved parent is watching the world go about its business as if nothing ever happened, and if you remember the child's birthday it's an acknowledgement that he is still alive in other people's memories.

These are so, so sad,, I cannot even comprehend how I would feel if I lost DS. I am so sorry for all of you that have lost children.

Thank you again. There is, on reflection no way that I won't tell dd. If I don't, at some point she will find out and then she will worry about other stuff we haven't told her. And goodness, my friend has had to tell her ds's sister so I think I can manage to tell my dd and get on with it. Thank you for the advice on wording. I have spoken to a close friend today and she said that she can't face calling or writing as she doesn't know what to say. I gently and mildly suggested it wouldn't matter but to try to call or write soon. Spoke to my dad last night because they knew the family and for the first time we spoke about how it was when my brother died. FWIW, although without bitterness and with understanding of their reasons, my dad still remembers thirty odd years on what people did, wrote and said and who just wasn't in contact.
Sorry for your losses again.

I suppose that people who don't know what to say, can simply call...and admit that they don't know what to say but that they are thinking of you(the bereaved family)?

I wish I had known that I could say that when I called my friend...I remember I felt so tongue-tied. I literally did NOT know what to say. I think I gabbled some nonsense. But still I know my call gave her some comfort.

How sad about your brother.

I always found that the people who admitted that they had no idea what to say were the best people to have around . It isn't something you can fix or make better , all you need is someone to listen and give a hug .

memorial service today. Truly beautiful. sad but stunning tributes to friend's ds, and family and friends spoke tearfully but eloquently. How, I don't know, but I've written to them again - they so did their son justice. And the comments from the cards were used in one of the speeches, and I was extra glad I'd mentioned some little thing about him when he was a baby. Am planning to send something again in a couple of weeks. I feel bad asking again, but my dad said let them get on with it with meals and stuff (he lost a son so I know he speaks from experience) so would I be wrong to cook a meal for a couple of weeks time or will they want to start looking after themselves?

Hello I'm late to this thread, so sad reading of all your losses. So many brave women here.

Littlebylittle, glad the memorial went well. I just thought I'd add that when my cousin died a couple of years back I gave my aunt and uncle a reading. It was meant to provide them some comfort, and they went on to have it read at the funeral by their other son. It's called god's lent child, I'll paste it below. I first heard it a friend's funeral when I was a teen and it's always comforted me during losses since.
I don't know if perhaps your friends would appreciate it but you can decide I'm sure.

Good luck supporting them and don't disappear - from what I know it's the weeks after the big event of a memorial/funeral when the grieving have to try to get back to routine that can be the hardest, and support shouldn't dry up then.

'God's Lent Child'

I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine" God said -
For you to love the while he lives
and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
or forty two or three
but will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and, should his stay be brief,
you'll always have his memories
as solace in your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return
but, there are lessons taught below,
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over,
in my search for teachers true,
and from the folk that crowd life's lane
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love,
nor think the labour vain,
nor hate me when I come to take
this lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done"
for all the joys thy child will bring
the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
we'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay.
But, should thy Angels call for him
much sooner than we planned,
we'll brave the grief that comes
and try to understand.