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Original poster

Motherless mothers on mothers day

91 replies

SiriusStar · 25/02/2010 11:28

This will be my 10th Mothers Day without my mum. It got easier when I had my ds as it meant that I could "join in" and be part of it again.
I still find it hard though, seeing all the posters and cards. I get annoyed at buying a card for my mil and can't even write Mum on gift tags for her as it feels wrong.
The thing that people don't tell you about when someone dies is that you not only grieve for the past that has gone but the future you won't get as they are no longer with you.
My lovely Mum has missed so much and I feel the loss of her so keenly in March and then the anniversary in May. It may not sting as much but the dull ache is still there.

I suppose I just wanted to say that I am thinking of all you motherless mothers over the next couple of weeks.

OP posts:
beeny · 25/02/2010 11:37

Thats really lovely post my lovely mum died in 1997 and i still often cant bear the pain.I was only 26 when she died.Im praying for both of us.

seb1 · 25/02/2010 11:49

This will be my first, my Mum died 4 weeks ok.

runnybottom · 25/02/2010 11:54

My 6th. I find it gets harder in some respects, not easier.

seb1 · 25/02/2010 11:56

Typo should have said 4 weeks ago.

ninamag · 25/02/2010 12:26

This is my first, mum died last year. This time last year I had no idea it would be our last together.

cyteen · 25/02/2010 16:26

20th for me.

SiriusStar, do you find it hard being a mum without a mum? In terms of everyday stuff, I mean. I find it so hard sometimes, not having that continuity. My mum was lovely and there is so much about how she mothered us that I wish my DS could experience, but only snippets of it remain with me (I was only 14 when she died).

Sometimes it feels like I'm just spinning it out of thin air, iyswim. Would so love to have her there to lean on.

Besom · 25/02/2010 16:41

seb and ninamag - sorry for your very recent losses.

It will be my 14th year without my mum.

I had pnd after dd was born and unresolved grief was a huge part of it - I suddenly identified with my mum and how she must have felt about me, but she wasn't here to go through the journey with me. I loved her very much.

Thanks for the thoughts Sirius.

Original poster
SiriusStar · 25/02/2010 22:33

She died just before my 22nd birthday. I feel like I was just starting to get to know her as a woman iykwim. I found being pregnant quite hard and still get upset when I see pregnant ladies with older women I assume are their mums esp shopping for baby things. Also, when I see friends mums with grandchildren. I so wanted to have been able to have my mum come and stay after my children had been born, like so many friends have had.
I know that I was glad to have had a son first as I worried that I would put too much pressure on a mother daughter relationship if I had a girl. After ds was born I had some counselling and then had a daughter. I feel better about that side of things now.
There have been so many times I have wanted to ask her stuff as my dad just can't remember or never knew. I know she had problems breast feeding and I suspect she had pnd after my sister was born so would have been handy to have had some experience there when I struggled.
Most of all I just miss my mum.
I miss her wrinkles, her hard nails, the feel of her hair, the scar on her hand, the way she said course, her glare, her handwriting, her voice, her smile.

OP posts:
SweetnessAndShite · 26/02/2010 18:40

SiriusStar you have summed it all up for me. Exactly. I was 24 when I lost my Mum.. this will be my 9th Mother's Day without her. I have since had 2 boys of my own. There is so much I wish I could ask her. I am lucky to have an amazing MIL but it's just not the same. I want my own Mum. I miss her bad jokes and her phone calls about nothing. I miss her stories about when we were kids - even though she told us the same ones over and over again. I miss how she made me feel like the most important person in the world and how even my smallest achievements meant something to her. No one loves you like your Mum. I'm with you all x

marymay · 26/02/2010 20:00

This will be my first without my lovely mum she died suddenly and unexpededly at the end of november.
I miss her so very much she really was the best mum.I am dreading mothers day and my daughter is running in her trails for the childrens london marathon that day .So i know i have got to be happy and cheer her on when all i will want to do is be by myself and cry .

mumoverseas · 27/02/2010 11:10

This will be my first without my mum who died last May. I'm dreading it as I'm still struggling with the fact that she has done and will never see her baby grandson.
I hope we get through it ok x

Solo2 · 28/02/2010 16:58

This will be my 6th. Does it ever get any easier? I'm struggling at present as one of my twins is ill and he's just been looking through some of my old family photos and I just had to go away and cry. My father died just over a year ago as well and I also 'lost' my brother, around that time, as his grief came out in hostility towards me. He and I had been the closest 2 members of the family till I had my own children over 8 yrs ago now. We rarely have any contact at all now.

I had a mother who was never nurturing and because of her own issues, was a sad and damaged person but I never realised how much I'd miss her till she died. For me, it's the fact that there was no one else who's interested in the trivial stuff in life, like if I've bought something for the house or myself - there's no one to tell. She often reacted negatively but I actually really miss that - because I really miss her - warts and all.

I never ever appreciated what I had till it was too late. Everyone around me of my age, seems to still have living parents, even though I'm older than many posting here - at 46. Age seems to make no difference. It's just awful agony and the longing never seems to go away.

I'll celebrate for my sons' sake and had almost not thought about the fact that I can't celebrate my own mother...well, I can - but it's different now she's dead. It's really difficult to have to hide my grief so much ,as my sons were only 3.75 yrs when she died and so don't really remember her and yet I had her the whole of my life till I was 41.

Original poster
SiriusStar · 28/02/2010 22:18

Solo, that is sad to hear about your lack of family. I have a sister and even though we aren't the best of friends, we get on well and can share the mundane with each other.
I feel a bit similar in re to my mum not being the cuddly, nurturing type. When I tried to tlk to my dad about things about 6 months after, it was as if he was surpised that I was still upset. He said he didn't think we got on that well. He really had no clue! I asked if he knew that I called mum every few days, even if just to ask silly questions. He didn't.
I will be buying yellow roses and freesias for mothers day as they were her favourite.

OP posts:
chimchar · 01/03/2010 06:57

its my first...my mum died suddenly in july last year...i feel like i've only just started greiving tbh....

i suppose mothers day will be all about me this year, and not about me spoiling my lovely mum.

lemonadesparkle · 01/03/2010 07:29

I lost my mum in Oct 2003 and almost every single day there is something that I wish I could share with her . I think it was the day I truly realised that we are not all guaranteed to have a tomorrow.

It breaks my heart to know how she supported me through such sad and awful times (serious ill health and a hideous divorce) but never lived long enough to meet my wonderful husband and son and see how happy they make me.

My ds has no grandparents to dote on him and although he is cherished and treasured by us I look at him and wish that he could, even for just one day, be held and loved by my mum

I hate March and the daily barrage of emails that drive the nails in even harder, reminding me to show her how much I love her.

SiriusStar I too will be buying Freesias (my mums favourites) for Mother's Day

weaselm4 · 01/03/2010 21:53

This will be my 9th Mother's Day without my lovely mum, who died before I had my children. I know she would have been an amazing grandmother.

I hope this thread sticks around for a few weeks, as I think it's lovely (and probably quite helpful) to write about those we love and miss.

LilRedWG · 02/03/2010 14:06

It's my second here. Mum died four weeks before Mothering Sunday last year.

Thinking of you all, particuarly those with such recent losses. xxx

Cosmosis · 02/03/2010 14:07

Thinking of you all. This will be my 28th without my mum, who died when I was 7. I am pregnant with my first baby at the moment, and I can feel the grief kicking in anew as I suddenly find myself wanting to ask her all sorts of questions.

Hassled · 02/03/2010 14:10

It will be my 27th year . I was 16. Thank you for starting this thread - it's another hard day in a series of hard days. I'm so sorry for those for whom it's a relatively recent loss.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/03/2010 14:11

6th for me too. I see it as an excuse to think about my lovely mum and be happy for the times we had together. Of course I'd rather she was here, and sometimes feel it so unfair that she died so young when she was such a great person. BUT I've always said I'd rather have had MY mum for the 30 years I did than have anyone else's for 60. I'll no doubt have a wee "chat" with her on the day.

gramercy · 02/03/2010 14:17

Well, it's inevitable - everyone loses their mother eventually in the natural order of things. But it's tough when it happens earlier than you thought.

I was particularly when pregnant with dd and every other woman in the John Lewis baby department was there with her mother. I actually burst into tears.

I also grieve for the fact that my parents would have loved the dcs, and it's a crying shame that the pil wouldn't even recognise the dcs in a line-up.

My one grain of comfort was selecting mil a mother's day card today - it's a real stinker.

SpicedGerkin · 02/03/2010 14:19

24th here, i was 7 too cosmosis. Having a child really hits it home again.

I'm grateful for this thread. x

BurnyHill · 02/03/2010 14:33

Spiced and Cosmosis - I was 7 too when my Mum died of cancer. I'm pg with #2 at the moment and since I've been a mum I've realised what I missed out on so much as a child. I also really wish I had my mum around as my 'mothering' role model, to ask advice from etc. Been out this morning to buy 'Mother's Day' cards for DH's family and it hurts every year.

Germangirl · 02/03/2010 14:44

Hi
this thread made me cry.
this will be my 18th without mum. Definitely agree that it was hard being pregnant and seeing other women shopping with their mums.
And I miss her terribly sometimes over the most trivial things.
I wish she could have met my wonderful dh and dc and spoilt them as much as she did me.
Sadly my mother had trouble conceiving and so did I. We both got our dc by long/complicated means and I can so understand what she must have gone through.

It still amazes me when I hear people my age with grandparents.
Thinking of you all.
I take comfort from trying to be like my mum and bring up dc with values she instilled in me, that was a part of her will forever be alive.
I'm really sad our dc doesn't have grandparents to spoil him.

Cosmosis · 02/03/2010 15:51

Burnyhill I so agree with you re the mothering role model. I was very lucky in that I had an aunt (my dad's sister) who took over the role to a great extent and was absolutely wonderful. Sadly she died 9 years ago so I have lost her too.

I had some counselling a couple of years ago about thhe whole thing (my mum and brother were killed in a car accident and it is something I have not dealt with properly) and my counsellor assured me that although I do not remember my mother very much, i will have unconscious memories of her mothering which should help me with mine.

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