When people just walk away from the situation...politics of illness

[Maybelline]

I'm feeling like a bit of a cow, so posting to ask for reassurance.

I have a very very close friend who is currently dying of cancer.

We have a mutual friend who is also close to her but probably not as close as we are...we have all been friends for about 15 years, and for a long time I have not been in contact with the second friend as she and I seem to have a sort of glitch in the way we communicate...it just feels a bit awkward though I am very fond of her. We have different ways of thinking I suppose.

Anyway recently we got back in touch because of the situation with our friend. I've been in regular contact with the poorly friend and her family, while the second friend seems to have stopped.

She told me that she cannot deal with it and when things like this happens, she goes into denial and lives in a bubble. But she has been emailing me every so often to ask for updates.

I didn't mind and found it helpful at first but it is really starting to make me angry now. I have ignored several phone calls from her as I am so cross, and got an email the other day saying what's going on with our friend, to which I replied that I didn't know much about what's happening. I was fairly brief and dismissive.

Then an email came back saying she was sorry for bugging me for updates and it didn't sound like things were too good, but said in a flippant manner...followed by suggesting we have a 'catch up chat' about other stuff, 'hee hee'

I feel quite sick about it. But I am aware that some people cannot honestly deal with serious illness, terminal illness, that kind of issue - and do walk away.

I feel so resentful of having to filter info out for her while dealing with the hardcore news myself. And I am so not in the mood for being flippant and silly.

I think partly I am taking out my own emotions on her. But I can't handle her messages.

I'm being unreasonable aren';t I.

How does your ill friend feel about this - is she hurt that the other friend is keeping her distance or is she grateful that you are fielding enquiries so she doesn't have to deal with phone calls, etc herself?

That's a really good question. I know that perhaps she is past caring too much, although I think, and I may be wrong of course, that she feels it keenly when people are just not comfortable talking to her any more. She feels out of the loop, and I hate talking about her to others.

it's me who hates it...I feel uncomfortable passing on news, I also feel so upset thinking about it and having to go over it all again for the friend who seemingly isn't letting it get to her inside her 'bubble'.

It feels like, well if you have already detached emotionally, why do you care what's happening? iyswim. I feel like a news service, I feel silly talking to her when I am so emotionally overwhelmed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

It isn't your responsibility that this other friend can't deal with tough times.

I would stop lying as you do know what is going on and just ignore any emails you don't want to reply too.

Thankyou Fab

just to clarify, I wasn;t lying as such, as when I sent the email I didn't know - i hadn't had an update for a few days. So I just kind of bluffed.

But it would be liberating to just ignore actually. I don't want to lose second friend full stop, but I can't handle talking about it as though it doesn't matter,isn't real...it is far, far too real for me and the others who haven't cut themselves off.

Hmm, maybe if she emails again say something like "why don't you phone/email X yourself. I'm sure she would love to hear from you. She gets a bit lonely as she can't leave the house much and would appreciate you calling"

That way you are letting her know in a subtle way how you and your sick friend feel. If she doesn't then contact the sick friend you should feel free to ignore any other emails (unless the sick friend wants you to keep her up to date)

That is a cool idea, but am afraid of directing calls etc in friend's direction in case as you suggested, she does find it overbearing and too much to cope with.

I suppose I am wondering if this might be my role, for the time being, to update people on what's happening. I just really don't want to, especially if I'm not sure how much it even means to them.

Sorry am a confused wreck. Thankyou for all the ideas and for reading, I will go and think about it all some more (and namechange back for a bit!)

thanks x

While people can only deal with things in their own way; if you are the conduit for this, then you have your own decisions to make, too.

Her denial is not your problem. This sounds harsh, and maybe what needs spelling out to her is what are the consequences of denial are, i.e. you deny yourself info/updates. However, you've started as the go-between, so if you no longer relish this role, and who can blame you, you owe her an explanation. Then the ball is in her court.

For what it's worth, I can't abide the "bad news filterers"; a bit like those who don't visit folk in hospitals because they don't like the smell. Wankers.

I forgot - sorry to hear your friend is dying. You sound like true friend to her.

Thanks Echt, you have explained it so well.
I haven't heard from her since my rather short email, and she had said she was going to phone, so I think she got the message...which means I don't need to explain probably. I think she might be in denial that I'm so upset, too - which suits me fine!

You're right - it is like the avoiding hospitals mentality. makes me furious. And if she really can't cope with the fact this is happening then I'm not going to deliver her little bitesize excerpts from real life...it's not my job. Sorry, am so angry at the moment about the fact it is happening at all, and probably taking that out on her a little, which isn't fair.

Thanks again for understanding...if she does make contact again I will think of some way to explain why I can't do it any more.

It looks like it won't be more than a few weeks anyway

I think you should tell your second friend (not by email - phone her or see her) that you are not comfortable passing on the information as it is too difficult for you to deal with.

Do what decorhate said. Your second friend is not your responsibility - YANBU not to want to sugar coat a hard message but have to deal with it yourself. I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish you strength to support your friend and yourself at this difficult time.

I agree with the others, look after yourself, you have no responsibility to the 'bubble friend'. I have just lost a good friend to cancer so I understand your situation. I was not there for her in the way that I should have been, but in a different way and for reasons other than denial. But I did see her before the end. The one thing I would suggest you say to the person in the bubble is to recommend that she go and see her friend while she still can. Upsetting though it will be (it was for me) I would never have forgiven myself if she'd died without knowing how much I loved her.

I am really sorry to hear about your friend Maybelline . It must be so tough (understatement I know) to be so close to someone who is going through this .

I think if it was me then I would send an email to the second friend just saying how hard you are finding all this and that as much as you respect her choice to go and be in a bubble , she can't keep deciding to come out of her a bubble for a few minutes at a time to find out what is going on and then dissapear back into it . She has to decide wether she is going to be involved properly or not . I would normally say a face to face conversation is better but I think for you atm an email would be less draining for you . If she emails back and is less than sympathetic with you then just ignore .

Good luck

thanks guys, you have been really helpful.

Quink I am really sorry about your friend. How have you been since it happened?
I have truthfully no idea how I am going to cope after...I can't imagine it, as I'm in denial myself...mentally i know what's going to happen but emotionally am just certain she is never going anywhere! Bizarre isn't it.
I have not seen her since the autumn as we live far apart and though I have offered to visit, she is exhausted and in a bit of a bad way and her family have not said come up, and I think they will when she wants people to see her...she is totally focused on trying to be OK and am not even sure she knows how bad it is.
I have written to her and hope second friend might do as well...just to say those things, just in case - I said to her don't read it until you are better, it's a bit emotional! But she read it anyway.

Really feel as though it's so surreal it can't be happening. Which I suppose is what second friend feels like to - but she seems OK with that which is the difference perhaps.

Thanks again for understanding.

I had a real urge to phone her the other day but I didn't want to wake her, if she was sleeping...I asked her family in an email and they said hope you understand if she can't talk at the moment.

I was having phone calls with her until a couple of weeks ago, which was tough work but I think it was helping a bit...but since she has got really ill I'm left emailing her family instead and they seem to find that useful, somewhere to offload a bit etc.

Miss her so much already.

It is hard, Maybelline, and, yes, surreal. Even when I knew it was really bad I couldn't believe it. Until I saw her, that is, which I did three days before she died, and quite honestly, once I laid eyes on her, I knew it was not going to be long and, to be honest, she was in such pain at the end, that it was going to be a release.

Since then, it's been even more surreal because I have to adjust and accept the fact that darling B isn't here any more and for the rest of my life there is going to be a B-shaped hole in it that will never be filled. She was such an intelligent, bright, funny, vibrant person...just too alive for it to be possible that she is not.

It is her funeral tomorrow, idiosyncratic but beautiful, and what she wanted. I'm really pleased that her family (and she was the only person really keeping them all together) have pulled out all the stops to give her what she wanted. Tomorrow is going to be hard and sad, but I hope joyful too, reliving lots of happy memories and laughing, because she was always laughing.

Shit. I am really going to miss her.

Quint I am so sorry

I understand what you mean...I spoke to my friend for about a minute today, and it was a huge shock...she sounded totally different, like another person. I had not realised how bad it was until then.

Can't stop thinking about her now.

I hope the funeral tomorrow is not too difficult for you and gives you some peace about it. I will be thinking of you xxx your friend sounds very very special.

Thank you, Maybelline, yes, she was very special.

I'm glad you spoke to your friend today, it's important when you just don't know how long you've got. I saw my friend near the end, kissed her and held her hand. We both knew it was goodbye, I think. I'm trying to write a letter tonight to her children, to let them know how special I thought she was. That seems important somehow. There are going to be loads of people there tomorrow, so at least I'll be in good company.

Quint

I think it is a wonderful idea to write to her children. That's so important...that they have someone to ask about their mum.

I'm glad there will be lots of people there, it might help somehow...and a good 'send off' for her is nice as it shows she was very much loved.

Hope it is as easy as possible, I know it will be hard for you. Just want to put my arms round her, you know what I mean.

Thanks for being so helpful and kind.

Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to put your arms around her. Can you go and see her?

not really...she is a long way off up north and staying with her folks as she is too ill to be at home with her family.
I think at the moment it would be too much for her, she is very giving, and the first thing she said to me on the phone was 'thankyou for the present you sent'

It would tire her out. I so so want to go though. I think they know this - she just isn't really able to face people, from what I can gather. But it was just wonderful to ring to speak to her dad, and have her ask for the phone. just tearing at my heart.

Hope you can get some rest tonight and feel sort-of OK tomorrow,
will look out for you on here x

thanks again.

didn't mean to sound cheerful she is a long way away, that looks odd now - was smiling at the 'oop north' bit.

Oh god I have been calling you Quint - I am so so sorry

What is wrong with my brain? It is my favourite type of ink, too

Sorry.

Don't worry about the Quint! there is one around these parts, after all .

Have been out this evening with friends, gearing ourselves up for tomorrow. Feel OK about it, though that could be the wine!

FWIW, I would suggest trying to see your friend before the end, if you can, and if you can bear it: it's not something you can do later. Although it was awful to see my friend so ill, so thin, in such pain, I really am glad I did. And in the days since she died, that memory of how awful she looked/was is already starting to fade and what has come to the surface is her very much alive. I was worried that I would be left with my last memory of her being horrific, but it isn't like that.

And, to go back to the original question in your OP, I would email your bubble friend: "Dear X, I understand that you are finding the situation with darling A hard to deal with, but I have to tell you that so am I. You should know and understand that A is approaching the end and if you want to see or speak to her, do it now. I can't be the middle-man for you any more, there just isn't the time. Love Y" i know it sounds a bit brutal, but I think your friend needs it. And I do think, if she is generally a good friend, that she will regret it horribly if she doesn't do something about it now.

Hope this post is OK - as I said, I have had some wine! All my best wishes are with you, Maybelline

Thankyou SO, so much, Quink. You are just lovely and have somehow gotten right in there and said exactly the things I needed to hear...you understand completely.

It's been a relief to talk to you, it honestly has, and I feel ready to face this now.

thankyou for all your kindness. Glad you have had some time to prepare and hope you feel ready this morning and it all goes well.

Thinking of you today xx

Hi Maybelline, what a lovely post, thank you! I read it last night, actually, but was just too shattered to reply.

Yesterday was exhausting, but beautiful and heartbreaking. Loads and loads of people came and it was the perfect (IMO) funeral - I think I will steal her ideas! There was a lovely 'service' - completely non-religious, in the pub and it was packed. Lovely readings from her family and friends, some laughs and lots of tears. Though I nearly lost it when her youngest DS (only 11) broke down at the end . Then we walked up to the burial in a field where she has (well, will have when it stops raining) a beautiful view, then back to the pub for food and lots of drinks. There was lots of remembering and telling of anecdotes. I had a long talk with a very good friend of B's who has been with her day in, day out for the last six months and heard about the reality of those last weeks and the last night. Hard to hear, but strangely satisfying just to know.

Wishing you the best of luck with your situation. I hope your friend is getting the support that she needs, you sound lovely. Concentrate on your relationship with her and, I think, blow off the other friend for a bit. You don't need it. But if she can face up to things now you two may be a great comfort to each other later.

Quink, it sounds amazing...I am so glad it was a good day. It sounds like the kind of funeral everyone would want, iyswim!

This is me not in disguise btw,

anyway, thankyou so very much for your help. I've now sent a brief message to friend 2 saying I'm finding it hard to talk about, and sorry for not calling her back...I hope she understands.