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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Could someone give me a manly pat on the back (or even a hug)?

31 replies

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 20:44

Just going through my DS2's stuff (he was stillborn at 36 weeks just over 3 years ago). I haven't looked at any of it since it was packed away when we moved house, which was over 2 years ago. I just couldn't face it.

There's just two small boxes. Two boxes for his whole life and I'll never have any more to add. That's all I get of him.

We had him home with us the whole week from when he was born until his funeral and he wore the same baby gro the whole time, but on the morning of the funeral we got the funeral director to change him into a nice new and clean outfit. The old babygrow was packed away. I forgot how it looked. It's covered in blood. His one little babygro I have is covered in his dried blood. It looks like something from a horror film.

I'm his mummy, I shouldn't have only a blood soaked babygro to remember him by. And it doesn't smell like him anymore. It did for ages but now it smells horrible.

I keep looking at it and I can hardly breath for crying. I know I should stop lookign but I can't help it.

If i hang it up will the smell go>? I can't stand it. It's all musty. Stupd horrible smell shouts DEAD. I want it to smell of my son again. Of a newborn baby. I gave him a wash when he was a couple of days old, he smelled lovely and normal not like this stupid babygro now.

God, crying so hard it hurts.

Please, I just need a hug or something.

OP posts:

cupcakesinthesnow · 14/02/2010 20:48

I am so sorry I dont have the words to express how sorry I am that you have gone through this. It's not fair. It shouldn not have happened. I am so sorry (((Huge hugs)))

cyteen · 14/02/2010 20:48

I'm so sorry No one should have to go through this. Consider yourself well and truly hugged ((()))

Northernlurker · 14/02/2010 20:48

Oh - have a hug, have several.

Northernlurker · 14/02/2010 20:52

Righ - have pulled self together a bit.

The babygro - it smells like this because the blood is old now and that's what happens. It's up to you what if anything you want to do with it. You could try hanging it up in sunlight, that might help. Or you could try washing it - bt that's not to be entered likely and may make you feel worse. If you do want to wash I suggest you soak it first and then pour that water away in your garden under a particular bush or tree.

It isn't just the boxes you have, it really isn't - you've got all this love inside you and it's so cruel not to have him but that love is something. It's worth so much.

What was your boy's name? Don't say if you can't but I want you to know I'm asking.

Original poster

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 20:53

Thank you!
I don't want to ask DH for a real hug - he is downstairs happily trawlign ebay and if I go down and show him the babygro and cry on him he will break down at seeing it again. I don't want him upset when he doesnt' need to be.

Hiding in my room crying. Knew i could rely on MN.

OP posts:

havoc · 14/02/2010 20:55

Oh, I'm so sorry . hug.

Original poster

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 20:56

Thanks Northern.

No I dont' want to wash it. It's horrible but its HIS blood. All I have left of him now iykwim. A real part of him. I'll hang it up outside tomorrow and see if I can get it smelling nice and sunny, iykwim.

He's called Robert. I remember vetoing the name when pg with him and DH wanted it. But then we didn't have a name for him when we found out he'd died and I needed himt o have a name that had been carefully chosen and was loved by at least on of us. Now I love it because it's his name.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 14/02/2010 20:56

Oh, sweetheart. How heartbreaking.

(((hug)))

NL had a couple of good ideas, about what to do with the babygro.

Go and speak to your DH and get a real proper hug. He would hate you to sit in your room alone and upset, I am sure.

Have a cup of tea/glass of wine/bar of chocolate and remember the precious week that you had with your DS.

kormachameleon · 14/02/2010 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cyteen · 14/02/2010 20:57

Maybe he doesn't need to be upset...but maybe you as a couple need to share this horrible moment...not saying you must do either, of course, just that I hate the isolation of grief. It can be very corrosive

havoc · 14/02/2010 21:00

Would hanging it outside on a dry, breezy day help?

Northernlurkers right - you have so much more than the boxes. Its not fair that you had to go through that.

Wonderstuff · 14/02/2010 21:00

((hugs))
I'm so sorry. Is not fair.

frasersmummy · 14/02/2010 21:02

oh butterball my ds was stillborn at 39 weeks almost 6 years ago so I know the feeling of having nothing left except a memory box

I dont know what to advise on the babygro ..sounds like it was a comfort at one time but now is just upsetting you

Go have a wallow in the few other things you have left of your ds.. have a really good cry and then pour yourself a glass of wine

there is always someone around to talk to on the bereaved mummies thread if you want a gab

Northernlurker · 14/02/2010 21:03

Robert is a great name. It's such a warm, strong name.

I hope some sunshine will help. Can you remember any other smells you associate with that time? Particular flowers or perfume or skin cream? If there is anything else you could put some of that in the box and use that smell whilst you look at the babygro?

I can understand why you don't want to upset dh but everyone else is right - you are grieving together and you should lean on one another when you need to.

shallishanti · 14/02/2010 21:04

so sorry

go and see your dh, he is Robert's Dad, I'm sure he'd want to be with you in this- does he know that's what you went upstairs to do?

frasersmummy · 14/02/2010 21:05

link to bereaved mummies thread

we all understand

OrmRenewed · 14/02/2010 21:05

Oh butterball

So so sorry.

cupcakesinthesnow · 14/02/2010 21:05

I completely understand why you want to keep Robert's babygro as it is. His blood is not macarbre or like a horror film, it is a part of him that is real and physical and although it smells you can still see it and touch it and that is your link with him. There is nothing wrong in that Maybe a deodorising powder could nautralise the smell without effecting the babygro iyswim? Could you get something to nautralisse the smell when it is in his box of things so the 'unplesant' smell doesn not build up when you open the box?

Sorry if I am talking rubbish, just trying to hink of ideas for you

And I think it is good to cry and let it all out, no matter how much it hurts right now, it's a good thing to do and you should let it all out

Pancakeflipper · 14/02/2010 21:10

Have a great big Hug my girl. And cry it out and don't feel silly for it.

NorthernLurker is so right - your Robert is not just 2 boxes. Your love for him ensures he still lives through you and with you. He's in your immediate family..... You've shared him with us and now we know of Robert so he's known to us.... And so on...

I think you should try and give the babygro an airing on a nice crisp sunny day. Hope it does the trick.

More hugs...

piratecat · 14/02/2010 21:12

I guess you didn't even plan to be going through his things? Yet it must have been in the back of your mind that you needed to.

Could you not go downstairs and say to DH that you have been looking through Roberts things, then get that hug?

Then when you have had a cry, maybe you could mention the babygrow?

i am truly sorry Butterball. I do agree with the hanging it out on the sunshine though, and maybe keep it in a new box with some good smell, that you would associate with the here and now, with your today thoughts and love for him?

Original poster

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 21:14

Thanks for the link to the thread frasersmummy.

Northern, the only smell I really link to Robert is the baby bath stuff that I washed him with. I kept some so think I will sit and sniff it now. Might put some in my next batyh too. Thanks for the idea.

I've found the 4d scan dvd and I'm going to watch it. I'm so glad we went and had it done as now i've got film of him ALIVE. I was only 26 weeks at teh time so he looks like a scrawny wee alien still lol, but he's MY scrawny wee alien.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/02/2010 21:18

how about getting a little bunch of dried lavender and wrapping it up with the babygro if you dont want to wash it? something pretty and natural that smells nice.

massive hugs to you. you sound like you need a proper RL one though love, why not go and have a cuddle off your DH?

robert is a lovely name. take care. x

Original poster

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 21:19

No i wasn't plannign on going through his stuff. I was tidying my room and moving furniture and his boxes ended up on my bed and I just started looking trhough it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bleatblurt · 14/02/2010 21:22

Thank you everyone that has replied. I know i haven't replied individuallyl to you all but i really really do appreciate you posting.

Just typing about him helps. Not so worked up now. There's precious few chances in real life to talk about him so its nice to talk about him here - even though its sad stuff. If that makes sense.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 14/02/2010 21:23

I'm glad you've got that dvd. Your wee scrawny alien - and always yours. The physical things like the babygro may change but not that. You are Robert's mother.

Take care of yourself.

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