Could someone give me a manly pat on the back (or even a hug)?

[Bleatblurt]

Just going through my DS2's stuff (he was stillborn at 36 weeks just over 3 years ago). I haven't looked at any of it since it was packed away when we moved house, which was over 2 years ago. I just couldn't face it.

There's just two small boxes. Two boxes for his whole life and I'll never have any more to add. That's all I get of him.

We had him home with us the whole week from when he was born until his funeral and he wore the same baby gro the whole time, but on the morning of the funeral we got the funeral director to change him into a nice new and clean outfit. The old babygrow was packed away. I forgot how it looked. It's covered in blood. His one little babygro I have is covered in his dried blood. It looks like something from a horror film.

I'm his mummy, I shouldn't have only a blood soaked babygro to remember him by. And it doesn't smell like him anymore. It did for ages but now it smells horrible.

I keep looking at it and I can hardly breath for crying. I know I should stop lookign but I can't help it.

If i hang it up will the smell go>? I can't stand it. It's all musty. Stupd horrible smell shouts DEAD. I want it to smell of my son again. Of a newborn baby. I gave him a wash when he was a couple of days old, he smelled lovely and normal not like this stupid babygro now.

God, crying so hard it hurts.

Please, I just need a hug or something.

yes there have been lots of lovely replies, and the link given sounds like a haven. The bath smell thing is a great idea.

Oh and thank you to those that have said you like his name! I know it's stupid but it always bothered me taht no-one said that when he was born. Even when you hate a name you usually say something nice anyway to the new mum, but i think everyone didn't know if they should do that with me and felt awkward so didn't say anything.

Firstly big hugs to you. It's not the same but my DH1 died from cancer nearly ten years ago and I have a memory box, in it is the t-shirt he wore when he died. for ages i would sniff it then eventually the smell wore of and it became musty. Every now and then I air it, iron it and used to spray with his favourite aftershave.

Butterball (((((gentle hugs))))))

(((((((((((Huge Hugs for Butterball))))))))))
You are just so, so brave. Loosing a child is so unimaginable to me and is something no one should have to go through.
You may only have two boxes but Robert will always be in your heart.

How horrible. You have to put it away again, as it is clear you can't cope with it now. But one day, maybe you can bury this box as well, to lay him to rest?

You don't need the babygro to remember him. He is still with you, these years later, and nothing can take him out of your heart and life. But this bloody thing is not the best of him; it's his painful end, and death. I'm beginning to cry as I write this, as it's so horrible and so sad. You don't need to keep the saddest part of his life; you have more of him than just that. He is not just a scrap of clothing, the two boxes you mentioned.

We want to remember our dead, and we need to remember them; we want to be remembered, too. But that remembrance should go with us through life.

You said: "There's just two small boxes. Two boxes for his whole life and I'll never have any more to add. That's all I get of him."

You will get more if you keep him with you as you go through life. My grandmother died when I was 19, but had been senile for many years before, so I (and all the family) really lost her long before. I have carried on missing her, and remembering her, for years, as we could have loved one another at any age (a child loves a grandmother differently than an adult). I want to keep her, and I try to do it, by thinking of her as though she were still alive. Perhaps your son will always be the tiny baby who loves you and needs you, no matter what mistakes you make or who shouts at you in RL.

Now I've gone off and imagined a whole future, which you probably won't want, as all you wanted was a hug. I'm no good at hugs alone, and if these ideas have distressed you, I'm even sorrier than I was before starting this post, having just read what you wrote.