I forgot the anniversay of my mum's death.

[PavlovtheCat]

She died 3 years ago at the end of Jan 2007. And was cremated on 4th Feb.

I cannot remember the date she died. And i did not remember until today. I think about her every day, but did not consider her passing, until i had an argument with DH and went for a drive. I drove to the sea and watched the sun shining through clouds onto the water, like streaks of light through the grey sky and it reminded me of a painting called 'Narcissus' that looks like this, a greek god shining through the clouds. It used to be my mum's and I now have (by an artist called Linda Garland) and i missed her then, really missed her. I wondered if she could see me. And then i remembered, that i did not mark her passing.

It's OK - the dates get less important as time goes on. That's not to say you are any less caring about it. Don't be hard on yourself.

i have never markedmy mums aniversary, but I always think of her on her birthday.
so don't feel bad, you probally think of her every day without eaven realiseing it

but 3 years is not long is it? I am so wrapped up in myself. I feel selfish and uncaring. I don't even cry, not really, and when i do its mostly self pity.

Your mum would not want you to mark her death. She would want you to celebrate her life, as you did when you looked at that sky and remembered that painting.

It really isn't important, although I can understand why you're upset at forgetting. You think of Mum every day so she is in your heart at all times. She understands that you have your life to live and I'm quite certain that she'll be happy about all of that.

Pavlov - then she did her job, which was to raise you to take life and live it. Would your mum want you to be sad all the time? No. She would want you to get on and live life while you've got it.

2shoes - i do think about her every day. There is always something that reminds me of her, but not always for more than a split second.

I forget her birthday, but when i remember i chuckle and think she would too, as I never remembered her birthday on time. She was fine with that as she always forgot mine, and we both forgot (and I still do) everyone's birthday! Its not I don't know the date, i don't remember the date has come apon me til its too late. She knew that and was not offended, we celebrated it together the last year she was with us, and the year before, when she was ill and did not know it yet, i had taken her out for the biggest grandest meal ever as i had finally reached a place where i could afford to treat her not the other way around.

It could be a good sign that you don't remember the day. Perhaps you're getting to acceptance of your loss, rather than dwelling on it. And when you think of your mum every day, sometimes it must be happy thoughts perhaps?

mary they are mostly happy memories, although still twinged with the sadness of her not being here of course. My DD has her 'poo face'

Oh no, you mustn't think like this. It's a date in the calendar, no more than that. It's not important. What is important is how much you loved her and the fact that you do remember her, all the time.

And self pity is completely fair enough. I know exactly what you mean - when I get upset about my parents I sometimes stop and wonder am I upset for them, or am I just upset for me? But really, either is totally justified. Why shouldn't you be self-pitying? You miss your Mum, and that's a lot to deal with. You're allowed to wallow sometimes.

thank you

Pavlov I couldn't not respond to this as it's made me think about my brother's death and how I remember him. Every time I look at the clouds and see birds flying, or the countryside looks beautiful I see him in it, jsut as the sea made you think of your mum (what a beautiful image you paint by the way). Perhaps we block out the anniversary of deaths because that day was so painful and the memories are so dreadful? I don't know - I'm just thinking that for me remembering the exact date of my brother's death is agonising as it was such an awful day. But when I remember him every day I feel sad but it's also a 'good' kind of sadness.

I've expressed that very badly but I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

My mum died 20 years ago and I have no idea what the date was, other than the month. I still remember everything about that 24 hours, but not where in the calendar it fell.

Remembering the life is more important, really. I think that's why the death date fades over time.

I can't remember the exact date my Dad died either, it was mid November 1992, I marked it after a year, and I marked his 50th and 60th birthdays, but otherwise his memory crops up at unexpected moments and oddly enough I do rather like that.

Nothing to feel bad about imo, I have never been one for mourning at graves or marking dates, after all it's the day to day stuff you miss most so no point dwelling on the worst days.

It makes me sad that I struggle to remember what his voice sounds like, or that he never met my husband or his granddaughters, but I don't feel sad about not marking the day he died.

MissM, you expressed it perfectly, and cyteen, yes, the date itself, i don't remember, but i remember the last time i saw her, and said 'goodbye' did not know i was saying goodbye, but on the other hand i did really, if that makes sense? (she lived 400miles away and had ovarian cancer, i had a 6month old baby) ), and she did too. I cried all the way home even though i promised i would be back, she asked me not to come back but i said i would, and i didn't come back in time. I got the call at 3am 3 days later, and traveled back up immediately. It could have been any date, but the memory of that time has not faded very much, you are right, the date is not important.

My sister died 15 months ago. A week or so before the anniversary of her death my brother phoned me up to talk and acknowledge that it was going to be a hard weekend. When I phoned my parents to let them know my brother was low about the weekend they sounded blank. They had chosen to ignore the anniversary to such an extent that they hadn't even realised it was then. Don't beat yourself up about a date.

tigerfeet my mum does not have a grave. She had her ashes scattered in the wind of the top of Glastonbury Tor. The first year, i went up there and sat and thought of her. And felt she was not there any more. But I had thought if i went there i would feel close to her. But i did not. I have not been back.

I remember the good times, but they don't make me happy, not yet, they make me sad for that has been missed, for everything i remember that is good, i remember that i did not do xyz with her. I have a great sense that i let her down somehow and i think that is why i feel so bad about missing the anniversary.

jeee i am sorry for your loss. And for all those posting, you have all lost someone too. Thanks for being supportive.

Last week I had a strange experience: I suddenly really wanted my mum, craved her comfort, in a way I haven't done for years. She has become a distant presence in my life because it was so long ago that I last saw her and we never got to have a relationship as adults. But all of last week I had the full I WANT MY MUM need, and it almost felt like she was nearby. It caused a fresh type of pain but was also weirdly comforting. It felt like my cells were remembering something physical about her. I have hardly any memories of her/us to speak of, so remembering her presence was a big deal for me.

ruby i would love to have a memory box, or to use her things in my kitchen, or elsewhere. But, due to my sister's behaviour (long and probably another thread!) she gave my brother and I a very very short window to take any possessions we might want from the house, after she had taken almost everything of sentimental value, all her photos of her, and us growing up, cards i had sent her over the years, my wrist bands from when i was born, paintings etc. The only reason i got the paintings i did were because they were in her very basic will (i leave xyz to sister, pavlov, brother, and the rest be divided up however you want). My memories are mostly in my head. Needless to say i do not speak to my sister anymore.

(I have her entire collection of roman history books though, shame i dislike history ).

Its all things though, isn't it? That is what i tell myself. I can have memories without things.

RubysReturn, same here. I'm still trying to divest myself of the things of hers that I don't actually want, but feel disloyal for getting rid of.