I forgot the anniversay of my mum's death.

[PavlovtheCat]

She died 3 years ago at the end of Jan 2007. And was cremated on 4th Feb.

I cannot remember the date she died. And i did not remember until today. I think about her every day, but did not consider her passing, until i had an argument with DH and went for a drive. I drove to the sea and watched the sun shining through clouds onto the water, like streaks of light through the grey sky and it reminded me of a painting called 'Narcissus' that looks like this, a greek god shining through the clouds. It used to be my mum's and I now have (by an artist called Linda Garland) and i missed her then, really missed her. I wondered if she could see me. And then i remembered, that i did not mark her passing.

Yes i do have some things, now you have made me think of some...DH and I took her to see Cirque Du Soleil (sp) at Royal Albert Hall and we have the programme for it, and some great memories of the day (ie dh getting lost driving in london!), photos are not so easy as i have never been great at taking photos, and mum had some great ones. The ones of her with DD, i have one up on the side, but she was ill, having chemo at the time, and all the photos remind me of what she went through (positive and negative, as she is holding a 2 week old DD, and looking positively happy, but extremely gaunt, very short thinning hair and red patchy face). But i do have some photos of our trip to prague (the first thing i bought with my promotion at work which meant more money was a to take her to prague, about 6-7 years ago).

Pavlov, it's just things. I was burgled a few years back and lost the brooch belonging to my paternal grandmother and the ring belonging to my maternal grandmother. It doesn't matter, I still remember them. Every time I bake apple tarts, I think of my Gran, as she was a unbeatable pastry maker. Whenever I sew or (bizarrely - it's a long story) catch a glimpse of the snooker on the telly, I think of my Granny.

My grandfather specifically told us he did not want people visiting his grave, or marking the anniversary of his death. He said to raise a glass at family parties and that would be fine. Actually, we remember him more when we use his vulgar and funny sayings instead.

You think of your mum every day/ She is a part of your life still. You don't need to remember a date on a calendar.

Cyteen am sending you a very very large hug. I'm glad you could find some comfort from that feeling.

My brother left very little in terms of possessions as he had very little. But he was a musician so left his albums and Myspace page, his accordions and books of scribbled lyrics. All I really have from him is a letter he wrote in the last weeks of his life, which is the most precious thing I could possibly have. I've virtually memorised it so if for any awful reason it got lost I'd still have it in my head.

My brother is buried in a beautiful place, and I am 'glad' that he's there, but I don't feel him there any more than anywhere else. The place I can't go to yet is Hampstead Heath, as we spent so much time up there together, when he was well and when he was ill. Pavlov - I love the image of your mum's ashes being scattered from Glastonbury Tor.

My mum also died 20 years ago and I often forget the date of her death as we are normally away (it's in August). When I do remember I try and get some flowers in the house and spend some time thinking about her. The few times I've been to her grave it's meant so much less than this simple act.

I'm lucky that I do have a few things of hers that I love - especially her fake fur coat. The main thing are the memories though - and I've given DD her name as a middle name so she lives on in that respect.

It's hard though Pavlov. Three years after her death was the point, for me, at which I started looking forward and began to accept what had happened. I only got to that stage with counselling though.

cyteen i sometimes think she must be here somehow, DD has said things that make me go such as 'why nana far away?' this was one of the earliest things she ever said to me as a sentence. And one of the oddest things she ever said was about DHs dad who passed away about 5 years ago. Last christmas, not this christmas, she went ice skating with granny (DHs mother). Just before this christmas, she said 'granddad can come skating with me and granny this year when he visits, his poorly leg is all better now'. He had a club foot which caused problems as he grew up, and he had problems with his leg throughout his life as a result, but DD would never have known that! I mean, yes, a guess...but a bloody good one.

That feeling, i want my mum - i actually said it out loud for the first and only time when i was in labour with DS in November just gone. I really wanted her there to hold my hand or stroke my hair. Poor DH did not know what to say

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.
I have often looked at photo's of my Dad since he passed nearly 6 months ago. My Dd(3.1)immediately pipes up 'that's my Grandad' and that's lovely. The sad thing is that her paternal Grandma died 3 months before Dad and I only have one picture of her and that is in the background of a picture of Dd, but in the hospice in her bed so it's not a 'lovely' photo.

Ruby can totally relate to the handwriting thing. I can't bring myself to get rid of her signed copy of The Hobbit despite the fact that it's falling to pieces and is missing most of its pages.

I think it just means you're finding it easier coping with the grief perhaps and instead of mourning the day that she died, you're thinking of all the lovely memories when she was live.

I think forgetting the date is a sign of moving on, and it does not in any way diminish your love for her.

Haven't read the other threads but I feel for you. My Dad died on February 5th (or it might have been the 6th) and I only remembered because the weather was so beautiful, just like the day he died.

We all deal with things in different ways but I never worry about the date of either my Mum or Dad's death. I have rarely visited their grave.

I always remember their birthdays, i remember the things they said, the songs they sang and the places they enjoyed.

I try not to think of their deaths.

So please don't feel bad about forgetting the sad things, concentrate on remembering the good.

solo did not mean to make you cry. Sunshinemummy it has been 3 years. So perhaps that is a turning point for me too. Seems so long ago, yet only a short while ago. funny how time does that isn't it? I feel hugely fulfilled that she got to meet my first born, terribly sad that she won't get to meet my second born, but i know she is proud as she told me, she said to me 'i don't think i have to worry about you, you will fine' and i took a huge comfort from that, that she felt i was a strong and grounded person. Funnily i remember that and how that made me feel, like she had said so much more than that in those words and I remember that when i feel low or that i am not coping with life (ie, tiredness with a newborn and toddler! does not happen often luckily) and it picks me up, as it means i am like her, as she was a strong person.

Pavlov it's like a fog lifting a little isn't it? I remember that for the first three years I used to dread dreaming about her, as I'd wake up and reality would come crashing back - she's not here anymore

At around the three year mark something shifted and I started loving dreaming about her, as it was almost like I had a short time with her again.

Unfortunately I don't dream about her as much these days but I still love it when I do.

Don't beat yourself up. It's not the date that is important, it's the place in your heart that she has.

And look at it as a a positive moving on for you. you still miss her desperately, you still wish she was here, but you are not in a mire of grief where you can't see past dates and possessions etc. That is surely what she would want for you

Pavlov - sorry about your mum I think that forgetting the day itself is a positive. When FIL died DH went through the mill - he didn't cope with it at all. For the next 9 or so years he marked FIL's b'day and the day he died. He often said he didn't want it to stop hurting as then he'd be forgetting. But the last few years the days have slipped away without DH thinking about it. I think that's a good thing.

Did she live near Glasto?

Do you not think that, since she would chuckle at you forgetting her birthday every year, she'd have a laugh at you finally forgetting the date of her death in the same way?

You are reminded of her by varied things every day - that is good. Far better than some horrible date.

soup yes, you know she probably would laugh! Or at least be releived. I guess i worry that she would think i did not consider her passing that important. But if she can feel what i feel, she would not how hard it is without her.

orm she lived in London, She was a christian from upbringing, but 'walked away' from it as a teenager, studied lots of religions out of interest, including the hindu and buddhist ones, in particular she held in interest in Buddhism and paganism, although she did not 'follow' them as religions, she beleived in re-incarnation (swore she would not be back again any time soon, she believed she would be back as she had not done with her 'learning' yet). Just before she died she revisited her christian roots, partly i beleive out of 'fear' that she would be 'damned' and would not get to meet her mother (who she said has not returned yet, she is sure) if she did not repent her sins. However, she felt the leylines of Glastonbury held significant spiritual importance to many religions hence her wanting to be scattered there.

Yes Glastonbury has a sort of spiritual resonance or many religions. The tor is a magical place.