I've had enough of this now, I'm exhausted. I JUST WANT HIM BACK.

[DrNortherner]

That's what I screamed today.

Total madness. I know I can't ever see my Dad again. He's dead. But's it's so fucking shit today I can't be rational about it anymore.

How can someone who was such an integral part of my life just cease to exist? How can it happen, where has he gone?

What the fuck is it all about?

This is such a rollercoaster I just want to get off. But I can't. You think you are getting there, then BANG, it's as raw as when it first happenned. I can't work it out.

DrN, hi, trying to put a brave face on here.
Decided to throw myself into christmas for DD (and DS although he won't have a clue) We are going to put the tree up today and then tomorrow we are away for 4 days for DH's birthday so it will hopefully be nice to have the decorations up when we get back.

Feels really odd not to be fretting over what to buy mum for christmas. What do you buy for 80+ year olds with a house full of tat anyway? I normally bought her a lovely Christmas hamper from M & S that was 'too nice to open'

Have decided to set up a memorial page for her and dad (and my brother) with GOSH which was the charity that she and dad supported after my brother died following treatment there.
You can then make online donations at random times so I can feel like I'm actually doing something for them at Christmas, their birthdays, anniversarys etc. Think mum would have like that.

Hope you survive the 'festive' season ok x

A few of us on another thread had talked about a 'virtual' meet up on Christmas day to raise a glass to missing loved ones

Hi Dr Northerner,

Yes, where do they go. where does their spirit go. I just feel my dad would be so upset at leaving us all like this in this way.

He had such a lust for life and marveled at things we would not even notice.

I go past his photo every morning when I walk in the kitchen saying in my head why why dad. Why him, why us.

For as long as I live - I'll never get it.

Yes, its going to be a tough month. For me Christmas is all about spending time together as a family and now ours has a gapeing hole.

Hugs to everyone who will be having there first christmas without a loved one.

This is a tough time of year DrN. It'll be my first without Mum and Dad and it sucks, but we WILL get through it - I promise you that.

Much love. x