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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I've had enough of this now, I'm exhausted. I JUST WANT HIM BACK.

28 replies

DrNortherner · 28/11/2009 23:14

That's what I screamed today.

Total madness. I know I can't ever see my Dad again. He's dead. But's it's so fucking shit today I can't be rational about it anymore.

How can someone who was such an integral part of my life just cease to exist? How can it happen, where has he gone?

What the fuck is it all about?

This is such a rollercoaster I just want to get off. But I can't. You think you are getting there, then BANG, it's as raw as when it first happenned. I can't work it out.

OP posts:
MavisEnderby · 28/11/2009 23:23

{{{Hug}}}

I am so sorry for my ignoance but is this a recent bereavement?

Does it help to have a rant or just talk about your Dad?

If so am willing to lend an ear.

I am very sorry for your loss.

gigglewitch · 28/11/2009 23:24

sending you a ((hug))
mad, I agree. will happily sit here while you say all you need to, if that's what you need.
Think we just have to get it all out sometimes.

halfcut · 28/11/2009 23:24

Its total shite I know ....

gigglewitch · 28/11/2009 23:29

p.s. being rational is so over-rated

paranoidmother · 28/11/2009 23:36

I agree and sending you a hug. Miss mine and it's been over 6 years although I still can't believe he won't walk through the door, call etc.

Def. Shite

Purplepillow · 28/11/2009 23:44

Sending hugs too

My dad died almost 36 yrs ago and I still miss him but it does get better, you just have to take one day at a time.

Being angry, sad etc is all part of the healing process.

Try and be good to yourself, he would want you to be happy.

pp xx

tothesea · 28/11/2009 23:48

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know its not the same but my beloved Granny died suddenly in front of me and it was a very hard thing to accept.. how can someone be there, talking, walking, laughing and then....gone.
Death is very hard to accept and grieving is a long, drawn out process but you will get there.

labyrinthine · 29/11/2009 00:24

I'm so sorry for you losing your dad.
I lost my dad 10 yrs ago suddenly and it wasvery very painful.
I had to leave shops when I saw the fathers day cards and when there was any scottish items in the shops or golf on the tv.

I read a book "Birthday letters" by Ted Hughes which somehow matched the pain I felt inside.

I had this feeling of wanting to scream out loud too or lie down and I had this mental vision of falling down from a cliff.

I don't know your circumstances but in my case I was very close to my dad as a child and was his favourite and the youngest ~this and him being a fantastic person made it unimaginable that he could die ~ I just fought and fought to try to turn the clock back.

I think it is a greater loss than any and in our culture we are a bit unprepared for it.

It's ok to feel distraught and it will get better.

Again so sorry and I don't know if my stream of consciousness can help you at all to realise you're not alone.

labyrinthine · 29/11/2009 00:25

And quite normal not mad.

spookycharlotte121 · 29/11/2009 00:40

heya hope your ok.... i can understand how your feeling. I miss my dad loads and long to be able to have one last hug with him. he died when i wsa 8 and im still angry to this day (13 years on)
life can be so cruel... to snatch away something so precious but there are lots of us around you can chat to.

the best thing i find is to remember the happiest times.... do soemthing constructive like make a scrap book

I find visiting my dads grave helps as well.... its a very peaceful place and you cn be along with your thoughts and feelings aand have a cry if you need to.

hope your alright. x

BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 01:13

I am so sorry you are going through this

Original poster
DrNortherner · 29/11/2009 11:52

Thanks for all your comments.

For those who don't know, my Dad dies suddennly in April of a herat attack aged 65.

Yesterday was a bad day. I just needed to llet it all out.

I wailed yesterday louder than I ever have. It's quite scary how it takes over you when you least expect it too.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrNortherner · 29/11/2009 11:53

Also, he came and spoke to my in my dreams last night.

Some people would say that is a message, but I do wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me.

OP posts:
mankymummymoo · 29/11/2009 11:56

DrNortherner... my darling dad died 10 years ago this christmas coming. I STILL miss him. I STILL get angry he never met DS. But the days when you feel so crap will get less and less.

Listen to your dreams. I was a complete mess until I had a dream about my dad. It was so comforting. And I can't remember exactly what he said but the feeling and knowledge it left me with after the dream helped enormously.

gigglewitch · 29/11/2009 11:58

don't panic. It's all part of the 'process' - sorry if that sounds too textbook. I've "seen" people in the street and all sorts, you really do start questioning your sanity doncha... it's all part of how the mind processes something so huuuge. Just don't try to keep it in. I found that one out the hard way.

Saltire · 29/11/2009 12:01

DN - I was almost posting the same thing last night. My dad died when I was 16, and I'm now 39. last night was the first time in ages that I ahve really cried over him - well actually there was more to it than jsut that. DS1 asked me if he could see photos of his "real" (as opposed to step dad who is also grandad) grandad and I have 1 photo i a frame and a tiny one in my purse. My brother has taken every single photo from my mums house of my dad and I just got so emotional last night and was wailing "I want my dad".
You're right about thinking you are getting there and then realise you're not, I'm the same, I don't think the grief and sense of loss ever goes, it just finds a little place in your heart and stays there, and now and agian it needs to come out

walkingonthemoon · 29/11/2009 12:33

I want my dad too. It's only been 17months since he has gone but seems like a lifetime.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 29/11/2009 12:41

There's nothing rational about grief.

The dream has stirred something up inside you. Most days you can probably keep balanced but sometimes there's something that can tip the balance. Sometimes it's a big thing, sometimes a small thing, but it makes you wobble nonetheless.

The festive season will also be hard, but you'll get through it. Remember your darling dad with a rant, cry and smile. He'll know you're thinking of him and missing him.

onlyjoking9329 · 29/11/2009 19:59

sorry things are difficult, its all "normal" i think, grieving is hard work very draining and often feels like there is no end to it, each day brings new discoveries of something else that you miss and this time of year is very tough.
i am at almost 18 months now since my DH died and still have tearful days but less often now.
go easy on yourself and know that it is all normal.

catinthehat2 · 29/11/2009 20:14

Odd dreams like yours are very normal. I have known 2 people who lost grandparents and had been very down about it. Both had dreams where the deceased visited and basically let it be known they were happy with the situation (give or take specific details). Both felt very comforted.

But it's just part of yourself talking to you and letting you know something that you can't hear in the daytime. It's perfectly natural, not bonkers stuff.

mumoverseas · 30/11/2009 12:45

Dr N, we've 'spoken' a few times on here as seem to be going through the same. I'm sending hugs to you as I know how shite it is.
Its 5 years now since dad died and 6 months since mum. I've had so many ups and downs since then. I'd just sort of got used to dad not being around but then when mum died it was like I'd lost him all over again.

I have days when I want to scream and cry and most of the time I don't, I bottle it up as don't want to upset the children.
I have dreamt about mum and dad a few times the last month or so. Not sure what that is about.
I imagine that like me and a few other ladies on here, you are dreading this Christmas.

I still want to phone mum, in fact this morning I got a text from DS1 saying he'd just been made a prefect and I actually picked up the phone to call her. Damm it, its so unfair she would have been so proud of her eldest grandchild.

Take care Dr N and if you want to scream, damm well do it x

whitecloud · 30/11/2009 13:49

Dear All - thank you for sharing your experiences. I lost both parents within a year - Dad, May 2007 and Mum June 2008 so family home and everything gone as well. Thought this Christmas would be better but I feel terrible again. I think it's worse when you have just had a better patch and think you are getting through it and then wham! DrNortherner - yours is so new and it is bound to be very hard - esp with Christmas as well. You are so right that there is nothing rational about grief. I've found if you try and suppress it, it's worse so you just have to cry and accept that you are feeling rough and not try and expect yourself to be at a certain stage. Makes things worse. Think your brain and emotions just can't process it all.
I'm trying to accept that Christmas will be tough and I just have to get through it. My counsellor told me I was being far too hard on myself, that I ought to be feeling different. Wouldn't treat a friend that way, so why myself? So true.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 30/11/2009 16:24

(((hugs))) to everyone on here going through the same. It's great to have an outlet.

Hi mumoverseas, hows it all going with you?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 30/11/2009 16:31

So sorry DrN

My dad had a heart op on Friday and is beginning to recover now. For a while I was in a kind of haze of panic about losing him. I can't imagine your pain.

chimchar · 30/11/2009 18:44

hey drn.

i had a really bad day today...life is mounting up again, and i actually ended up sobbing in work and having to go home because i just couldn't stop....i've not had a cry for ages...

i still can't believe my mum is gone...its too huge to comprehend.

sending you understanding hugs. x