Suicide of a sibling

[whooosh]

My darling sister comitted suicide in early September and I am not "travelling through grief",and "progressing" as I have with other bereavements.

We were very close and unfortunately I know exactly why she did what she did and know exactly howshe will have felt when she did it and it seems to make it harder.

There are 3 people directly involved with her decision (only one of which acknowledges it0 and as they are family,I have to maintain a relationship with them.

It is SO hard.

My DD (4) misses her Auntie so much and I am dealing with her grief as well as mine-although she is dealing with it far better than me.

Logis says thattime is a great healer and in the past,it has been but this is different,I just miss her more and more each day,not less.The memories are NOT fading and the pain she must have felt is ever-present with me.

Am I mad?

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Does suicide of a loved on take more time toheal?

I miss her SO,SO much......

I'm really really sorry. No you aren't mad.

No you're not mad, what an awful shock for you. I'm so sorry.

You are absolutely not mad. It is still very, very early days.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry. I have no experience of this particular situation, but my best friend died suddenly when she was 22.

I would not expect your pain and memories to fade yet in this situation (her being so close to you), so I don't think you are at all mad.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sister and for what you are going through. You are not mad at all. I have no experience of loss through suicide but my own daughter died very suddenly. Things are supposed to get better over time but my pangs of grief come back in waves - some gentle, some big crashing ones.

I can imagine that you sister's death is very tough to deal with because you are dealing with the circumstances that led to this. So, not only are you grieving but also in pain from the knowledge you have about her life.

All I can say is that I experienced my younger sister (who I love more than anything in the world) going though serious depression and some nasty circumstances. I thought she would never come out of it. The pain and sadness I felt for her was intense. I was fearful that she would harm herself. Thankfully, she is in a better place. So, I know what loss feels like but also the sadness of someone's circumstances. Combined, it must be so very difficult.

Have you thought about speaking to a grief counsellor? I had a miscarraige 7 months after losing my daughter and all the rawness of her loss has come back and so I am considering it.

I really wish there was an easy way out of these feelings, but you cannot fight time. I wish you peace in the days ahead.

I'm so sorry. I think you need some expert help to guide you through this. Can you speak to your GP about someone to talk to?
All my sympathies

If I thought that any "expert" help WOULD help then I would probably seek it-for my sake and becasue I need to be here for DD.

My Xp dumped me 8mts ago (for a mutual "friend", and so my darling sister doing what she did just added to my crap year.

Don't get me wrong,I do believe that counselling helps in some situations (have experience of it) but I just don't see,at the moment how it will help me.

I have to continue a relationship with those who contributed to her death but also have to live with not having my sister in mylife.

I lost my Mother when I was 8.5mts pregnant,and my Step-mother and sisters are just not "family".

Feel so alone with DD and just not sure where to go next....

Sorry-should have said thank you for all the repies and sound advice...mind a bit mushed

Your bereavement and grief are so very raw - I can hear it in every word you post.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/855014-The-very-special-thread-for-bereaved-mums-dads-grandparents- and

Just linking you, and anybody reading this sad thread who thinks they may benefit, to what I consider to be the most supportive thread on Mumsnet.

xxx Take care xxx

This is terrible Whoosh. You are having a dreadful year. I remember your thread about the shocking way your exP left you. And now this too. I am not at all surprised you are finding it so hard and that you feel so alone. But, as you are pretty much alone with dd, are you sure some sort of grief counselling wouldn't help you?

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this.

No advice but wanted to say i'm so very sorry for your loss Whoosh.

Oh woosh, my heart aches for you.

My half sister committed suicide eleven years ago, and although I wasn't close to her, we didn't live together or anything, it was unbelievably hard.

I was in a different situ to you, as we weren't at all close, but a part of my life is missing, and the shock of suicide is something that is hard to bear for those left behind.

When I look back on those months after it happened, I wonder how I got through it all, but I did, and you will. Suicide is something people rarely talk about, but affects so many people - it is still such a shocking thing, however it happens, I think your mind and heart need much longer to adjust. Sorry not to be able to help more.

whoosh - huge hugs. This was me almost exactly two years ago.

I also handled my other close bereavements 'better' - but they were older - my parents - and they died of illness. Suicide is a different ball game altogether.

I stopped eating for about a week (soooo unlike me!) and then had to swallow down my grief (DS was 1 at the time) and power on with life as if nothing had happened. I even went to a couple of parties within weeks of it happening - sounds crazy, but I had to do anything to hold back the grief.

All the while I was conscious that I was not grieving in a linear fashion, and that if I did not deal with the grief at some point, it would overwhelm and crush me. Just being aware of this in itself is enough to ensure that you do look after yourself properly, at a pace that you can handle.

Don't rush into counselling, it's best to wait until you think it's time to try it. Often people launch into counselling far too early and then find that later on a flood of other stuff overwhelms them. Your feelings and thoughts will change over time, and there will be a right time for you. When you do decide to do it (and you may not - I saw someone twice and didn't think it was doing it for me so I stopped and have been genuinely fine since), please choose your counsellor carefully - take personal recommendations, as there is a HUGE variance in quality of therapists of all types.

I am so very, very sorry that you've had such a painful, traumatic year. Even though things are awful at the moment, I assure you that things will change - your life 6, 12 months from now will look and feel very different from today.

Tell me about what support you have - do you have close friends who you can rely on? Possibly it may feel stifling to rely entirely on your family now.

I have been in that situation. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

It is such early days for you, please don't think that you're mad because the pain isn't fading. I think that with a sudden death like this that you are almost insulated from the worst for the first month or so, and that gradually the enormity of it sinks in and it is awful.

It took me years to grieve properly. I ended up with two lots of bereavement counselling as I was getting stuck and feeling like I was going around and around in circles. The guilt was a big factor in it I think.

I didn't use them, but I was recommended a group called "survivors of suicide". The website is here. If you are feeling alone then they might be able to help.

Whooosh, I've got to go to bed now, but will check this thread in the morning.

So sorry you are going through this.

My dh was 16 when he lost his father to suicide. I'm not sure its something he has ever come to terms with.

Suicide is such a sudden, shocking thing that I can see how it must be hard to move on.

Have you seen a grief counsillor? I know they're not for everyone but they have so much more experience in dealing with this that it might help you begin the grieving process.

I lost 2 of my 4 sons - not to suicide - they were 7 months and 7 years old. I cant imagine the pain of loosing an adult child - I really cant. Suicide is so very, very final. I have a friend who has experienced it in her family and they all blame themselves. We all search for a reason why our loved ones have died....I am searching around for the right words to say to you but there aren't any.

You would be more than welcome (thats also a very odd sentence) to join our lovely bunch of mums, grans and siblings. We have been supporting each other for about 18 months and, very sadly, our little group is growing. xxx

Sorry took me so long to type I didnt see that you dont like the idea of a counsellor.

My dh is of the same opinion but even if it cant help him come to terms with his loss, it might let him air some of his feelings that I know he wont share with anyone else.

I have no experience ofa sibling suicide so dont know if what i say will be of any use or not.
I lost my brother whom i was very close to in mid october. His death was very sudden. Like you I am getting worse with it rather than better, i still cant believe it and tears are more frequent and more of them. There is a thread for bereaved siblings on here too. thread is here The thread shabs linked to is very supportive.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I got together with my DH, he had just lost his sister to suicide, so although I've not been in your position, I've been very close to someone who has lost someone in similar circumstances.

They were extremely close, and although DH has had a great deal of bereavements through his life, nothing hit him for six in the way that his sister's death did.

We talked about it recently, and he said that for the first couple of months, he was going through shock, so although it was horrendous, the full loss and pain of the situation didn't hit him until a couple of months in.

I think that losing someone to suicide brings up so many tough, conflicting emotions that it is very hard to get your head around.

He and his sister had a very rough childhood, and he had some ideas of what may have contributed to her death which he had to work through.

He had grief counselling and I know he found it enormously helpful. He found a counsellor that suited him and was able to work slowly through the grieving process. It wasn't a quick fix, but I know it worked for him.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to deal with grief. Everyone is different, and this is early days for you.

I know that when I first was with DH, I couldn't imagine him coming out the other side of his grieving process since it was such a huge, awful thing for him, but he did. That's not to say that it's not still painful, of course it is, but he has been able to get through the other side and he has transformed as a person.

No, you are not mad. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Thinking of you.

My brother comitted suicide when I was 19, nearly 20 years on I still feel an almost physical pain when I think of him.

I was very close to him and had lived with him for 6 moths aged 16 when my alcoholic mother kicked me out. I blamed her (and the armed forces) for his death, but also felt responsible myself.

I can offer no words of great wisdom but only sincerest empathy. I lost my father 3 years later and my mother 4 years after that. The death of my brother has been the hardest to cope with of all of them.

Gosh! Thank you all for such lovely and thought-provoking responses-real food for thought.
I am geniuinely open to anything because this kind of grief is something truly different to the other grief I have experienced.
It is also comforting to know that others have been through a "similar" situation but also others who just care and undestand.

I have to be strong for DD (who has dealt with it brillaintly so far)but am not sure when I will get the chance to grieve for my sister.I cry at night,I talk to her,tell her I am not angry,just sad but is that grieving?
By day I have to be Mummy,friend,colleague etc etc and I can't let anyone down.

Guess the upshot is I don't know how to grieve (scared to in case I lose control?)or when to grieve.

DD has had to deal with the "loss" of XP and then her favourite AUntie who she was very close to-she is only 4 and I owe it to her to be strong.

Suicide really is different to any other death-never thougt I would say that but knowing EXACTLY how and why she did what she did haunts me......sorry for rambling.

Whoosh I have never experienced what you have, but a very close friend's borther committed suicide when we were at college together - I am not sure time so much 'heals' as you work out how to live with the situation. This is over twenty years ago and I know for a fact she still thinks of him and has moments of 'grief' still. It is very hard, because for her they had no idea he was in such a dark place and that he would do such a thing. I know over the early years she went through a range of emotions - guilty, grief, anger, sadness etc. There were times when she hated him for what he had done and for the fact that she and her parents had to deal with it. It is early days and you need to give yourself lots of time. It is a very destructive and, in many ways, a totally selfish act, because it doesn't take account of those left behind. She had some great conselling which helped alot.
Look after yourself and don't think there is a right way or a wrong way to act, you have to do what is right for you.

I'd echo what a lot of people have said, in that there is no wrong or right way to deal with grief - it affects people in so many different ways, and unfortunately suicide has another level of emotions to deliver as well. I think used to torture myself with images of how she'd done it (especially as I had to read these in the Daily Mail of all places, rather than hear it from my parents), but you move on from that, and I promise it sort of becomes easier, or rather that it becomes a pain or a feeling that numbs and you learn to live with.

I'd also second that you may find your family stifling at this time. I just wanted to be with my friends and do normal things (I was a student at the time), to reassure myself I think, that life does go on, and that I wasn't in the same situation as my half sister, iyswim. I partied pretty hard, I think..

Sorry if none of this is helpful, but there are, unfortunately lots of other people who have experienced what you are going through, and we can help where we can.

Am trained as a grief counsellor.

Firstly, am so sorry for your loss. No-one can take your pain away and it can feel like a lonely, never-ending grief that no-one can truly understand.

Suicide it known to be particularly difficult in terms of processing grief and unfortunately can take a long time to work through.

I strongly recomment that when you are ready you start some grief counselling as it will give you a space to say everything you need to say and allow you to get in touch with your feelings.

The grief process isn't linear and everyone does it differently. For some people it takes under a year and for others 20 years. there's no right or wrong and you should allow yourself to do it your way, whatever that is.

It's still very early days so please be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to have some really bad days if you need to. Please keep talking on here and in RL as keeping it locked up inside is not good for you.