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Bereavement

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Suicide of a sibling

38 replies

whooosh · 24/11/2009 21:44

My darling sister comitted suicide in early September and I am not "travelling through grief",and "progressing" as I have with other bereavements.

We were very close and unfortunately I know exactly why she did what she did and know exactly howshe will have felt when she did it and it seems to make it harder.

There are 3 people directly involved with her decision (only one of which acknowledges it0 and as they are family,I have to maintain a relationship with them.

It is SO hard.

My DD (4) misses her Auntie so much and I am dealing with her grief as well as mine-although she is dealing with it far better than me.

Logis says thattime is a great healer and in the past,it has been but this is different,I just miss her more and more each day,not less.The memories are NOT fading and the pain she must have felt is ever-present with me.

Am I mad?

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Does suicide of a loved on take more time toheal?

I miss her SO,SO much......

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 25/11/2009 11:21

"I cry at night,I talk to her,tell her I am not angry,just sad but is that grieving?" - Yes! It is, it is. Your situation is so similar to mine - you need loads of time and space to yourself to start to process all the different feelings and confusion, etc etc - but you simply can't afford to take the luxury of that time!

I chose to let my grief out in 'pockets' because I knew that my life responsibilities simply would not allow me to do otherwise. So every now and then I would make time for myself and either cry or go to my brother's grave or even sometimes do nothing directly connected to my loss. I once met up with a close friend who's a counsellor (on the 1st anniversary) so that I could talk through stuff, but when we met I just didn't feel 'in the mood' to talk about it - I was having a grief-free day and decided that it would be artificial to dredge up the stuff that was at the back of my mind, so we just had a nice meal instead.

Now, two years on, I am pg with my 2nd child and all of a sudden I am grieving the loss of my mother (she died nearly 10 yrs ago and I've not cried for her for a few years) - partly because of the hormones, and partly because, well, because I miss her in new ways. But bound up with that is grief over my father and brother all over again - just as cremeeggs says, the grief can take many years to unfold, and that's normal and fine.

You have a huge weight of responsibility with all the roles you need to fulfil, and perhaps you feel that if you were to cave in to your grief now it would create far more chaos across all areas of your life. I certainly felt that, which is why I chose to postpone my grief for my brother. IME as long as you remain conscious that you are postponing the grieving process for practical reasons, (and it is essential to remain conscious of this), you should be able to deal with it bit by bit, at a pace that you can handle, and still stay mostly on top of all your other stuff. I say 'mostly' because you need to be kind to yourself and accept that you will get things wrong a lot. Also do talk to your manager at work and explain the pressure you're under; see if they can give you time off or at least treat you a bit more gently.

Do you have friends who can take your DD from time to time so that you can have time and space to yourself to do what you need to, or rest, or sleep, or go for country walks, etc.? This will be a lifeliine.

The other thing is (ohhh, there are so many issues!) how comfortable do you feel grieving with your DD - i.e. helping her to find ways to grieve? Someone I met said her young DD created a little 'shrine' to her grandfather when he died - I think she made it by throwing a blanket over two chairs, then put lots of lovely things inside which reminded her of him, or just stuff that she valued - a teddy bear, a flower, a favourite book - something like that. I think they also bought a new candle and lit it every night, then when it was finally burnt out the DD said she said something like felt that her grandfather was happy and she could let him go.

By helping your DD to grieve you can (a) teach her such important lessons about how normal death and grief are, and (b) enable yourself to grieve a little when you're with her.

Whereabouts in the country are you, whoosh? If you're anywhere near me I'd be more than happy to meet and buy you a coffee and some cake.

alypaly · 25/11/2009 11:42

my best friends daughter commited suicide two years ago. She was a beautiful vibrant girl of 21. We only found out that she had been abused by an uncle when she was little. Then she got in with the wrong crowd and started taking drugs( no excuse) to kill the pain. She then progressed on to the hard stuff. She tried to take her life with quinine sulphate tablets and ended up in a hyperbaric chamber which stopped her from getting permanent blindness.

Then one night my best friend got a call from her BF to say he had found her hanging from a noose from the loft. She had obviously thouht about it and constructed a hangmans noose and kicked the chair away from herself. Her dad walked in to find her hangingand cut her down....he has had a terrible time trying to deal with it. And now his 2nd daughter had tried to commit suicide because" she wants to be with her sister". Its sooo hard for him.

shabbapinkfrog · 25/11/2009 12:04

OMG I never realised how difficult it must be if a loved one takes their own life. A sudden accident like the one that killed my DS3 was horrendous and affected so many people...but to loose an adult child through suicide....well I cant get my head around that - I really cant. I wish you some peace and if there is anything I can do - even if you just want to email back and forth please shout up. I will gladly put my email address on if that will be of any use to you xxxx

alypaly · 25/11/2009 12:12

i dont think you do heal from the suicide of a loved one whooosh. I think you just learn better ways of coping with it. I am very, very close to my best friend as he used to be an old boyfriend and have always kept in contact.

He has never got over her death and she is always in his thoughts. What is more worrying now is that his 2nd daughter wants to be with her and she is going down that same rocky road. he lives every day in dread of that phonecall,but he has done everything to support her,to try and get her to come to terms with everything. But she too has gone down the rocky road of drugs and bad people and he is a really good father too.

When someone commits suicide it is a strange grieving process...first grief,then maybe angerat someone daring to do that to you,it is a strange process

CheeryCherry · 25/11/2009 12:19

Whoosh...am so sorry for your loss, any death is painful, a sibling is horrific, and suicide just makes it so much worse.
Please don't be too hard on yourself, it is such early days, take baby steps, cling onto each day...you are not going mad.
My sister died in a tragic accident, soonafter I thought I was going mad, so emotional, so surreal, missed her so much, but couldn't talk to my family about it either.
I remember someone saying the first year is the worst, and expecting after the 1 year anniversary that it would all be fine. Wrong, it takes a long,long time to get back on track. It may help to talk at some point, always bear that option in mind. I think being part of a forum group could help at least express some of your feelings anonomously, and find others who have suffered in similar ways.
Thinking of you, be kind to yourself and your precious DD. Between you, you could maybe make a small 'memory box' to save photos/cards/momentos...it will be upsetting to look at for a long time, but is a keepsake for the future.

whooosh · 25/11/2009 23:56

Thank you all for your very wise words-I have some real food fro thought.
I guess I am relived to have some sort of confirmation that grief due to suicide IS different to any other kind of grief and I am not "strange" FOR experiencing this.

If only I knew how long this piece of sting was going to be.

Today was ok,until I opened a drawer and was faced with a beautiful picture of my darling sister. I had put it there as I couldn't face looking at it all day every day and BANG-opened the drawer and it got worse.

Enough ramblng-apologies! I really do appreciate all your views and am cossidering all points mentioned.

Find it hard to discuss in RL as there seems to be a feeliing (well I feel it due to conversations etc) that I should be "over it" by now.
It isn't even 3 months,I can't face clearing her things out yet and things like DD's nativity (where we went together last year)will be hugely emotional.

Right-really am going now......

OP posts:
elkiedee · 26/11/2009 01:10

So sorry for your loss. No experience but I really wouldn't expect you to be over the death of your sister or the way she died.

MrsMerryHenry · 26/11/2009 23:30

Seriously, some people expect you to be over it? There is something seriously wrong with those people.

It takes ages to get over the death of a loved-one; there is no time limit and anyone who expects that of you probably has no experience of grief and so really has no idea what they're talking about. Though, tbh I think when it comes to grief you don't need to have experienced it to be able to use your imagination enough to sympathise.

whooosh · 28/11/2009 20:04

Today is my Mum's birthday-she died when I was 8mts pregnant.She was only 60 and it shouldn't have happened.
I have lost the two people in my life who I was closest to.Really struggling with losing my Mum and my sister-feel so alone......

OP posts:
cyteen · 28/11/2009 22:05

whooosh, I've only just seen this. Am a little tipsy tonight so won't go on, but I had to respond to those people who think you should be 'over it'. You will never be over it. It just doesn't happen. Not just with suicide bereavements but with any best beloved people that we lose - we make space for the loss in our lives, at best, but there is no getting over it. How could there be, when we don't stop loving someone just because they've left our lives?

My mum killed herself when I was 14 and living with it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The fallout poisoned our family. I had one brother, who was my most favourite person in the whole world. He died of cancer almost three years ago and I just cannot process his loss at all. The thing with my mum still affects every part of my life, of course - the unanswered questions, the huge missing pieces of who I am, all the conversations we should have had etc. - but after nearly 20 years of living without her I'm proud of how well I have done. But losing my brother has been impossible. I feel that no one understands what it means, I feel so alone without him and I still don't really feel like I know where to begin the grieving process.

Anyway, it's not about me. I am so very sorry for all that you've lost. Do come over to the bereaved siblings thread if you feel you want to, it is a hard place to be but there are people who might understand.

oneofapair · 29/11/2009 16:48

I share your pain because my twin sister Caroline died on August 27th 2009. Where am I down the grieving process? Not very far I think because never a day goes past without me thinking about her or missing her.

I have had a lot of help from friends and some professional "help" that I started way too soon and which didn't work out.

I admire and respect what you have writen but please be very careful about a tiny group of Mumsnet regulars who take delight in mocking people who express pain or grief or anger on the site and who regard themselves as "oh-so-clever troll hunters".

onlyjoking9329 · 29/11/2009 20:13

i think death by suicide is very complex i am sure there are many "what ifs" troting round your head and no doubt anger too, sorry you find yourself with little family support and people suggesting you should be over it, they haven't been in your shoes and they are probably only saying that cos they feel uncomfy with the mention of suicide,
i know it is hard to doing grieving when you are juggling being a lone parent.
keep talking and just allow yourself to be however you are each moment.

Bigbadmummy · 11/12/2009 18:32

whoosh I am so sorry you have been going through this.

My BIL took his life in September too. Leaving my husband and his parents stunned.

We are still trying to come to terms with it all whilst dealing with all the paper work that my husband, as executor, has had to cope with.

If you want to talk.... contact me.

xx

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