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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Suicide of a loved one.............I'm ANGRY with myself that I can't put this aside and fully move on.

41 replies

Puff · 21/06/2005 21:14

I don't tend to post about sad things on Mumsnet, but what the hell tonight I will.

Some of you may already know, my Mum committed suicide when I was pregnant with ds1 (4 1/2 years ago). It tore me apart, things were very tough for quite a while, but I've got through, probably due to dh being bloody fantastic and an amazing gp.

The thing is, her death and mainly the manner of it, and all the publicity afterwards (local papers only but bad enough when you are intensely private), still comes back to bite me, as if the ground opens up and tries to swallow me and I have to try very hard not to let it. And I'm still so angry and sad and I want it all to go away, but life isn't like that, we have to grit out teeth and get through.

Grrr and .

OP posts:

starlover · 21/06/2005 21:16

puff i'm really for you... 2 of my close friends have committed suicide... and it's just the most terrible thing

have you thought about talking to someone about it? a counsellor or someone? it may help to get it all out in the open, and talk to someone about how you feel...

Dior · 21/06/2005 21:16

Message withdrawn

zebraZ · 21/06/2005 21:20

I imagine I'd be very angry, too, Puff.

lilaclotus · 21/06/2005 21:21

{{hug}} i hope you can find some sort of closure to this

whymummy · 21/06/2005 21:21

i didn't know puff,i can't even begin to imagine what it must be like, i haven't got any advice but i just wanted to say that i'm so sorry about your mum and what you're going through

dejags · 21/06/2005 21:24

Oh Puff, I can so identify with this.

My boyfriend committed suicide by shooting himself when I was 17. There was lots of press involvement because it was rumoured that he had been playing russian roulette and things got very ugly.

I can only say that 14 years later I am still angry - I was unfortunate that I witnessed the whole thing so I had vivid memories to deal with too. I will say that the anger and feeling of inability to cope with the whole thing has lessened over the years.

Not nearly as bad as your situation but I do understand on some levels.

I hope you start feeling a little easier about this soon.

dejags · 21/06/2005 21:25

Oh I also wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss - to lose your mum must have been incredibly, incredibly hard.

dejags
x

shrub · 21/06/2005 21:56

so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. i've been trying to link the articles for you but if you click on times online then go to search and type in carry me home by catherine lucas, it is a different situation but may help you move forwards?
thinking of you xx

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 22:01

Thanks for your posts , I'm ok now usually, I think that perhaps there have been a lot of family birthdays etc recently and it cumulatively it gets to me - I have to run off to the loo and have a good blub.

I've had quite a lot of counselling and have "come to terms" with this as much as I can, but someone you love, dying by their own hand is really grim -they wanted to die and it really hurts, however much time passes.

Dejags - that must have been so horrendous and traumatic for you . I didn't witness Mum's death, but I did have recurring nightmares about it for a long time after and still do sometimes.

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moondog · 21/06/2005 22:02

It's so dreadful to think of someone as funny and joyful and clever and full of life as you,dear Puff,having to bear this terrible thing.

My good friend's fil did the same.
Do you feel the need to 'debrief'?
Would you prefer it to be with family/friends or strangers?

Have you had any time on your own to think it through at your own pace?
Would something like a retreat help?

Thinking of you, Puff.

XXXX

starlover · 21/06/2005 22:02

you're right puff... one of the very worst things is knowing that they wanted to die... and that you couldn't do anything to help.

i am glad you are feeling a bit better now though

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 22:44

Spot on starlover - there's that never ending "why?", which only she could answer.

Moondog - very perceptive on 2 levels - I'd like some time with just my brother and sister to talk (or not IYSWIM) about this - we tend to only get together for family events and each of us sees the others struggling - we need to hug each other and cry in private. Also, the idea of getting away alone is v appealing - I need to go off and "lick my wounds" about it every now and then, without bothering anyone else!

I still cannot look at a photograph, or talk of Mum, without sobbing, so I just shut all thoughts of her off.

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moondog · 21/06/2005 22:46

Is this feasible then?

starlover · 21/06/2005 23:05

puff sometimes it's good to cry! sometimes you need to look at that photo and just let it all out...
i think that if you do that, and let yourself think about it, and let your emotions take over then sometimes things begin to get a bit clearer...

when i think of my friends i feel sick, because i feel like i failed them because they couldn't come to me... because i couldn't make it better for them... because i didn't SEE how bad it had got.

I think it would be a good idea to see if you could get together with your siblings to talk about it (if they are up for that), or to get away by yourself...

in your original post you said "we have to grit our teeth and get through"... which is so true... we really do, but we also need time to grieve properly and to sort out our feelings.. and to come to terms with things like this.

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 23:08

Me, little bro and little sis getting together (just us) would be tricky (logistics and husbands/wives saying Que?), but I might be able to get some time away on my own - dh is reasonably well trained re looking after our two!

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starlover · 21/06/2005 23:10

that's good... do you think it will help?

moondog · 21/06/2005 23:14

Wouldn't the various spouses understand?
FGS,it's not just a jaunt!!

I think you should make it happen.
There are obviously things that need to be discussed within your family.Is your father around?

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 23:25

Yes, I think it would, and it's probably something I need to do every so often - it sounds maudlin, but I would take pics etc with me, because I'd feel more able to grab hold of the grief and let it out (if that makes sense). I don;t think the pain of losing her in this way will ever really ease, but I need to find a strategy for managing it.

OP posts:

moondog · 21/06/2005 23:27

Was she unhappy for long?
Was the suicide 'on the cards' for a while or a massive shock to you all?
(Ignore if inappropriate)

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 23:28

It's tricky MD - yes Dad (my stepfather, my siblings natural father) is still around, but we have all sorts of "issues" with him. I don't blame him for Mum's death, it was her decision, but he's a to**er frankly.

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starlover · 21/06/2005 23:29

yes, you're right... you won't ever get rid of the grief (and there's no reason why you SHOULD)... but managing it is important. And realising that you can't change what happened, and the circumstances surrounding it, and of course, the aftermath...

time IS a healer.. but you have to let your emotions run their course.

I tihnk taking pictures with you is a good idea. Try and remember your Mum in happier times as well though.

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 23:43

MD, she had had bouts of serious depression since her late teens, but always bounced back. I was reasonably well attuned to how she was feeling, and was utterly shocked by her death. I can't forgive myself really, because I feel as though I "took my eye off the ball" that year - I got married 3 months before she died and pregnant a month later, really busy at work etc.

Basically it's the guilt that eats at you, even though I know I'm not a mind reader.

In my deepest, darkest moments, I still feel very angry with my Dad, brother, sister and a couple of other close relatives, all of whom knew, that 2 months before my wedding she attempted suicide (same method), but my Dad managed to save her. No-one told me - I know they may have been trying to protect me, but I was probably the one person who would have recognised the seriousness of that attempt and acted accordingly ie alert her crappy gp etc.

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jayzmummy · 21/06/2005 23:49

Puff.
Thinking of you.

My FIL committed suicide and Ive watched the effects of his actions unfold over the past few years.

Time is a healer.

Instead of focussing on the unanswered questions and searching for the reason why, DH and I focus on all the positive times we shared with my FIL and this is what has pulled us through some of our darkest days.

Hope you can do the same given time.

moondog · 21/06/2005 23:49

Sadly though,when people really want to do this,nothing or nobody can save them.
That really doesn't seem to be a healthy or useful thing to think (and God,who do I think I am,dealing out cod psychology from my little corner of the world???)

Original poster

Puff · 21/06/2005 23:59

I know moondog - it sounds so crazy, but I still have dreams in which I save her by marching down to the doctor's surgery and reading the riot act!

Someone on another thread mentioned that grief is a series of rooms which you move through - very true, but what's so frustrating is that you think you are "done" with a room only to end up back in it!

Thanks everyone for posting tonight. I really appreciate it .

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