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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

What do I say to a friend who's lost a newborn?

37 replies

UrbanDad · 14/10/2009 15:33

A friend of mine's first baby died at 2 weeks old about a fortnight ago. DW and I are seeing him and his DP over the weekend.

I am not sure what to say to them. I have tried to read up about it and know to ask them how they are feeling and say (truthfully) that we cannot imagine how they are feeling. There's nothing I can say which will lessen their pain and cannot believe anything I say can possibly make them feel even worse than they already are feeling, but I want to be able to communicate with with my friend properly and on as normal as possible a basis without wanting to appear flippant or dismissive of their loss.

Should I for example get him a book about losing a child or is that too presumptuous or intrusive?

OP posts:

KristinaM · 14/10/2009 15:35

sorry to hear about your friends' child

i don't have any specific advice for you but wanted to express my condolences

starwhoreswonaprize · 14/10/2009 15:37

I think just being there to listen is good enough, nothing you can say will make the pain any more or less but your support will mean a lot both now and in the future.

rubyredface · 14/10/2009 15:37

Just let them now that your there if they need you. Tell them that it can be for anything, help with funeral arrangements, etc or just there to talk about the weather if they want.

We had a stillborn baby two years ago and found that many of our friends avoided us because they didn't know what to say. I (we) really appreciated the ones that were just there and didn't walk on eggshells around us.

Its one of the hardest things they will ever go through and to be truthful there is nothing anyone can ever do to make it easier.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 14/10/2009 15:39

I am so sorry, how awful for your friends. I think asking them to show you photos of their baby and talking about him might help a bit or at least not hurt further.

madrush · 14/10/2009 15:39

I haven't experienced this kind of loss first hand, but generally with bereavement, I'd say let them talk about the person they've lost. Ask to see photos, say how sorry you are to have never met their baby, whatever you feel comfortable with but don't try to skirt around the issue for fear of making them sad.

How very awful for your friends. I'm sure they'll recover from this with friends that care for them so much.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 14/10/2009 15:39

Tell them exactly what you said in your OP.

The same way that you don't know how to be a friend to someone who is grieving, they probably don't know either.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 14/10/2009 15:40

rubyredface it was nearly 6 years ago for us.

LowLevelWhingeing · 14/10/2009 15:47

Oh how awful. I remember reading an article by someone who had experienced the loss of a loved one. They were saying that, as well as what ruby has said, it was good when friends offered specific help, rather than, "let me know if I can help". She was saying it's easier to accept help than to ask for it. So, in her case it was things like people bringing meals around (she would never have asked for them) or taking her children out for the afternoon.

I wish I could remember who wrote it; it was probably in the guardian/observer.

Being there is good and being comfortable with talking about it if they want to.

rubyredface · 14/10/2009 15:49

two years this christmas

Completely agree with letting them talk about the baby and ask to see pictures. I can see people get a bit uneasy if I mention DS2 but he was part of our family and the one thing I stressed was that I didn't want people to forget that we'd had him (especially after we went on to have another DS the next year).

Original poster

UrbanDad · 14/10/2009 16:09

Cristina/rubyredface/madrush/starwhoreswonaprize/KristinaM - thank you so much for the helpful advice and RRF, v. sorry to hear it.

ilovemydogandmrobama - I hadn't thought about articulating the dilemma - that is very perspicacious indeed. You have either been through something similar before and/or are a very wise person and either way I am indebted to you.

Many thanks all of you!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 14/10/2009 16:13

Something my friends have found very difficult (still birth a few months ago) is that the visitors etc stop after a number of weeks. I think remembering to be the ones to make the initiative to get in touch to invite them over for a meal, out for a drink just stuff and to not get put off offering again if they often say no.

fufflebum · 14/10/2009 16:16

I am sorry to hear this sad news and I think that you are a very kind and caring person to think so carefully about what to say to your friends.

I think that saying to your friends that you do not know what to say, or how they feel is a good starting point. I would be guided by them as to how they want to be treated. Ask if they would like to talk about it, show you photos and so forth. They may want to talk about it, they may not want to. I think the key is offer and to listen and be guided by them.

I am sure that the help and support they need will change as time goes on and being there and asking them is the best way to offer support. As for buying a book, I think it may be better for your friends to tell you how they want to be supported, how they are finding things. They will be feeling a whole lot of feelings or may be numbed and exhausted by everthing that has happened. They will tell you if they feel able.

My thoughts are with you, it is a very difficult situation and you are very kind and considerate thinking about it before they visit.

UnrequitedSkink · 14/10/2009 16:18

My best friend lost her baby last year (born prenaturely at 24 weeks but lived until he was 6 months, in SCBU). It was initially hard but actually really healing to talk about how beautiful he was, and look at photos. It gets easier too - now I bring his name up in conversation all the time, to let her know he hasn't been forgotten. Ask gentle questions and they'll probably just want to talk about what happened. Practical help is good too - take a cake with you, or a meal - and present it with 'I didn't think you'd feel like cooking much at the moment so this is for you to freeze, or eat tonight'...

izzybiz · 14/10/2009 16:19

My SIL lost her little girl over 4 years ago to meningitis, she was 19 months old.

She just wanted people to aknowledge her Dd had exsisted.

Hug them, tell them how sorry you are for their loss, I'm sure the rest will come naturally.

Sorry for you too, its awful to see people you care about go through such a devestating time. xx

stillstanding · 14/10/2009 16:35

That is so unbelievably sad - I am so sorry for your friends, UrbanDad.

Lowlevelwhingeing, I wonder if the article you refer to was about Deborah Hutton's book What Can I do to Help? She died of cancer but wrote the book in her last few months. It is really aimed at friends/family of cancer sufferers but is full of very practical advice on how to help people in distress and I find it incredibly useful. It emphasises what you said about just getting on and helping rather than offering help as it is actually quite difficult for the suffering friend to work out how best you can help so your offer is unlikely to be taken up even if she really needs help iysim.

bluebump · 14/10/2009 16:45

When I lost my son a couple of years ago I was just grateful that people got in touch at all and were interested in hearing about him. I totally second what CarGirl said, people really do drop off the planet after a couple of weeks and that can be extremely lonely, your time and help now is still so important in a few weeks/months time.

Original poster

UrbanDad · 14/10/2009 16:45

Lowlevelwhingeing, I've just googled it and could it be this piece by Caroline Doughty called "If there's anything I can do"?

Just skim-read it and it hits the nail very squarely on the head. Very well done. I shall print out and read very carefully before the weekend.

OP posts:

LowLevelWhingeing · 14/10/2009 16:48

Thanks SS, I'll look at that.

Alittlebitrestless · 14/10/2009 16:49

Am so sorry too. Have not had experience of this but have lost close family members. Would echo the suggestions to talk about their baby and ask if they would like to show you photographs. I think that being given "permission" to talk about something which many shy away from is very helpful. Also (and I know you will do this) remembering that the pain continues and that it may be several weeks/ months/ years down the line that they really need a listening ear.

stillstanding · 14/10/2009 16:50

Caroline Doughty's article is lovely. Will definitely be keeping a copy of that.

Good luck, UrbanDad.

LowLevelWhingeing · 14/10/2009 17:02

That's it!!

How the hell did you find it from my vague description? I will also be keeping a copy. You sound like a nice mate.

LunaticFringe · 14/10/2009 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stillstanding · 14/10/2009 22:35

Oh Lunatic, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

Poledra · 14/10/2009 22:43

LunaticFringe, would you like to tell us her name? I am so sorry for your loss - that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.

LowLevelWhingeing · 14/10/2009 22:47

so sorry LF

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