What do I say to a friend who's lost a newborn?

[UrbanDad]

A friend of mine's first baby died at 2 weeks old about a fortnight ago. DW and I are seeing him and his DP over the weekend.

I am not sure what to say to them. I have tried to read up about it and know to ask them how they are feeling and say (truthfully) that we cannot imagine how they are feeling. There's nothing I can say which will lessen their pain and cannot believe anything I say can possibly make them feel even worse than they already are feeling, but I want to be able to communicate with with my friend properly and on as normal as possible a basis without wanting to appear flippant or dismissive of their loss.

Should I for example get him a book about losing a child or is that too presumptuous or intrusive?

This happened to us nearly 4 months ago.

I have a friend who doesn't even have kids who would book herself in for a cuppa in her lunch time whilst dd was asleep every week and let me just talk.

Sometimes we talked about dd2 but sometimes we didn't. She wasn't squeamish about details and really wanted to know how we were getting on.

It was great.

The other fantastic friends were the ones who made lasagna for our freezer (I became so absent minded I'd forget key ingredients to it was handy to have meals ready). Those who invited us on days out (sometimes we went, sometimes we didn't but it was nice to be asked). Those who just showed up.

In the early days I don't think I really noticed that much of what people said to me.

LF I am so very sorry to hear your news. My heart aches for anyone who has to go through this.

There is a bereaved mummies thread that is gentle and supportive. Lots of folk who have been where you are now and somehow have survived. It was/is a great support to me.

Many thanks to all of you - you've really contributed to my understanding of how to approach the situation. I am humbled by the fortitude of those who have already been through it and are prepared to share their experiences, however painful.

Urbandad I am so sorry to hear about your friends baby . I can only echo what others have said about taking your lead from them .

You can't fix it or make it better so just letting them know that you know that and you have no idea what to do for them will be fine .

I know it sounds obvious but please don't worry about crying in front of them or having to be strong , I know a lot of people would apologise to me for crying about my son in front of me but actually I was happy (wrong word but ykwim) they did it meant he mattered .

Good luck , I know how hard it is to see people you love and care about so raw with pain .

Lunatic her name was Niamh, she would have been 16 weeks old this week.

Woollyjo, Ive just looked at your daughters picture and she is just beautiful, she really is. Im sure she is dancing with the angels.

woollyjo so sorry for the loss af your dd xx

My daughter died aged 1 month and a day and really, the most important thing to me is using her name and other people acknowledging that she lived.

I have had 3 children since her but she will always be my first.

I found this helped.

Also wanted to say that having been through this, I did appreciate how hard it was for other people to know what to say - it is relatively so rare nowadays.

My sympathy to your friends (and all the other posters wh have lost children).

I have come to this at New Year's, and just wanted to offer wishes of the best of health and happiness and healing for the New Year.

UrbanDad, everything I have heard from friends and on MN points to the point (stressed by rubyredface, cargirl, izzybiz, bluebump, lunatic fringe and brandybutterfly particularly) that they won't want the baby forgotten, particularly months or years afterwards.

You will be able to remain close to your friends if you remember and acknowledge their absent family member, as they will always want to see you, whether they are up or down. You are a very good friend for trying to think so hard about how to help them, so Happy New Year to you, too!