Lost my twin and really struggling to get through the days

[oneofapair]

I'm sorry if I have breached some unspoken rule by moving some earlier posts to here. I didn't know there was a bereavement thread on Mumsnet until last night.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/817409-Lost-my-twin

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/819433-To-expect-my-dead-twins-funeral-wishes-to-have-b een

My twin sister has just died of cancer just three weeks after the initial diagnosis at age 32. Although we were not identical (I was a boy) we were very close all our lives. We went to the same University, never lived more than 50 miles apart and I saw her about every three weeks.

It was her funeral yesterday and today was supposed to be just Mum, Dad and I mourning Caroline. Mum and I are desolate in our different ways but Dad seems entirely focussed on Caroline's will, what he will do with the money and what a relief it will be to inherit her shares in the family business. (He got 48% from Grandad some years ago and would get another 26% from Caroline.)

I cannot even speak to him about nasty he sounds. In the last few days of her life my darling sister Caroline made it quite clear what she wanted to happen at her funeral. Dad ignored what she wanted and now is doing all this!!!

It has been a very strange couple of days. Yesterday was the worst day I have had since Caroline died. My head was in such a whirl that I didn't think I was safe driving the car so I went for a long walk up and over the local hills and then forced myself to have a late lunch in a pub. I felt a bit better by the time I arrived home so I drove over to Mum's ready for the rigours of today.

We visited Dad in the secure unit expecting the worse only to be pleasantly surprised at his mental state. He has decided to retire from the family business and will leave it up to me to decide, as the majority shareholder, what happens now. He also agreed that he will no longer draw a salary from the business and suggested that the sum in the budget under that heading be paid to me if I want to run rather than sell the business.

At 11:00 I had my second appointment with the bereavement counsellor. I am not sure quite what it is all supposed to achieve other than making me feel even sadder.

I'm glad your dad's being looked after and seems to be being sensible. Hope you are feeling okay tonight.

Glad your dad seemed better.

Oneofapair did you write that poem? It's beautiful.

I'm glad your dad seems better. Hope the responsibility you have been handed now doesn't become too much.

With best wishes.

Oh sorry Oneof - I didn't realise you may have written the poem .

Yes, I also hope that the responsibility is something that you relish rather than dread.

again - just realise you didn't write it (googled), but it is beautiful anyway. Maybe you could try and write something?

I predict Tuesday is going to be a bad day because that is my birthday (and of course was Caroline's too). It is going to seem so meaningless in the circumstances

Mum and I are taking it in turns to cook. That way we eat the right number of meals per day - but if we are on our own we tend not to bother.

I am just starting to get my head around Inheritance Tax. It going to be hard to work out or so the solicitor says because of having to value the business. The rest, house, shares and the rest should be easyish.

I think the doctor forgot to allow for my clothes when I was weighed. That means I am even lighter than she thought and also means I am further away from the minimum weight she will accept.

I miss Caroline so much!!

Today 30 of us met up to celebrate Caroline's life. Lots of tears but lots of laughter as well.

I now realise that Caroline would not want me to hide away in mourning for her. She never liked it when I was sad and would certainly tell me that it is time that I tried to move on. So this is what I will try to do. I will love her and honour her memory for ever but I should also live my life to the full until it is time for us to be reunited.

Well done Oneofapair. Thinking of you on Tuesday.

I hope today isn't too painful for you.

I have tried really hard to be brave today and I managed OK until Mum home.

Sitting on my own in Caroline's house surrounded by her things has just encouraged a few tears to leak out.

Well done Oneof.

No-one else responding to this thread? (not a case of the old you know what I hope)

Have you noticed that on the TV tonight there was one programme on funerals and another on twins?

Hi oneofapair, won't do you any harm to have a cry.

Best wishes.

Although I am very grateful for the help received from Mumsnet readers (especially pinkpanettone) I think that it is probably sensible if I now focus all my energy on the advice and support offered by the specialists and my circle of close friends.

I might update once a month but apart from that it is goodbye and goodluck to you all.

oneofapair, I've been watching your thread though I haven't posted.

I am so sorry for the pain you are living through. You are in my thoughts, even though I don't know what to say.

Please do update, whenever you feel like it.

Sorry, I missed your last post Oneof. Wishing you all the best and I hope you get the support and advice you need.

Oneofapair - I'll be thinking of you.

I am really sorry to have to tell Mumsnet readers that my Mother died this morning. The GP found here sitting in her armchair at 10:30 and she feels that Mum died about 30 minutes earlier. There were no signs of distress so the heart attack must have killed her within a few seconds.

I spent the afternoon telling Dad the news - he is still in the secure unit - and then at the same undertakers who acted for my dear twin Caroline so recently.

I think it going to be a long night

So so sorry Oneofapair Im sending you healing thoughts, and sending you love and hugs and my thoughts are with you. You poor poor thing, Im SO sorry for your loss.

Is someone with you tonight?

No words will comfort you right now. Just know we will be here to listen to you as a place to write your thoughts and fears and if we could do more, we would. So sorry.

Sue is sitting with me in Mum's house and Mrs Reese from next door has just left. She popped in just to check I wasn't on my own. She will tell the neighbours what has happened.

It getting so lonely down here. Pray for me.

So glad to know you're not on your own. You're in my thoughts and prayers x