don't read unless depressed already

[VirtualFairy]

on thursday i had my 22 week scan and all was going perfect and i found out that i was having a girl and i was so excited as i was secretly hoping i would have a girl. on tuesday i went to hospital with strange discharge and on friday i gave birth to my baby - they wouldnt give me steriods or try to save her becasue of hospital policy to not attempt to save before 24 weeks, i feel that i was so close being only 8 days off 24 weeks. i would have payed anything and i tryed everything to give my baby a chance but labour just wouldnt stop.
she was perfect and there was nothing wrong with her, i went into labour because of an infection but the infection did not seem to get better from the antibiotics i was given in hospital, i do not know what the infection was and the hospital says i may never know.
before i got pregnant i had a full once over at the clinic which gave me all clear for all std kind of infections. the hospital tell me it was probabley normal bacteria down there that changed and caused early labour.
i want to know how and why that could happen, was it stress?
i hate my body so much for pushing my baby out and killing her.
i have no idea where to go from here, it has been a week since i held her in my arms and said goodbye and i know she is still in the hospital on the 2nd floor and i can't stop thinking about her lieing there alone.

VirtualFairy, thinking of you very much today.

Seven Tahlia is a very lovely name. I am so so sorry.

VF thinking of you today, hope it goes well. My baby Lily's funeral was a bit of a turning point for me, I had been looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time, but it was nice. Even managed to chuckle at my old Irish gran tried to get a look into the grave and I had images of her falling in! (Terrible guilty feelings after that one mind)

P.S. I agree Seven Tehlia is a beautiful name

x x x x x x x x x

VF, how are you lovey?

hi everyone sorry for the pause, i have not been feeling too well and have been so depressed too, and arguing with my dp!
the funeral was hard, but now i still dont feel as if i can try and move on as i have to arrange a memorial of some sort, i have no idea about all this type of stuff- i am just putting it off but i really hate thinking about my babies ashes on a shelf at the crematorium.
still i have managed to get out of bed and take the kids to school, i leave late so to avoid the other mums.
its 1 month today since my baby was born, it still feels like yesterday and it makes me sick when i think that if my baby was born now she would have almost definatly survived.
i have been getting pain in my left ovary, its been there since after the birth i went to my gp but she says it is probably just upset around your cesearean scar from the birth. i am not convinced at all as i ad the same pain when i became pregnant and went to the doctors then about it at 6 weeks pregnant thinkng i had an eptopic. i am going to wait till my 6 week follow up appointment at the hospital then i will ask the doctors there.

Oh Virtualfairy - I'm so sorry you've lost little Seven. I've just read your messages and I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and can empathise. In Feb I found out my baby had died - I was 19 weeks but the baby was dated around 16 weeks. I never found out why - they said it could have been an infection ... one I didn't even know I had ... but none of the usual (listerios, toxoplasmosis etc) were positive. In my case the hospital was amazing and they treated me so well - when you feel up to it, you should write down your experiences and send it to the Chief Exec at the hospital. At the time I felt I would never get over it, but then realised I had to 'pull myself together' at least for the sake of my dd. We're now at the point of trying again, but I know I won't be able to relax until any future baby is safe in my arms.

We buried his ashes at our local church - the vicar suggested writing a letter to him ... talking about how our life was going to be, the memories we had of him, etc. It was hard but really did help. We buried it with him (didn't read it out - wouldn't have got past the first word), along with some flowers from the garden. The ceremony was quite short, only us and the vicar, but lovely. These things feel like a series of awful milestones you have to get over but I really do believe they have helped me come to terms with our loss.

I hope you're doing alright today xxx