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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My lovely lovely Dad died on Tuesday.

43 replies

DrNortherner · 26/04/2009 21:36

And I am devastated. It was so sudden and he had a heart attack at home.

Ds who is 7 wants to attend the funeral. I am concernd it will be too distressing for him. Has anyone here taken young kids to a grandparents funeral?

OP posts:

differentID · 26/04/2009 21:37

I was 10 and my sister was 8 when my father died. we both went to the funeral and burial.
How close was he to grandpa?

pottycock · 26/04/2009 21:37

Oh so sorry to hear this. My thoughts go out to you. No useful advice but just wanted to give you my best wishes.

differentID · 26/04/2009 21:38

So sorry for your loss- are you able to talk to plenty of people around you?

Lulumama · 26/04/2009 21:40

oh no, i am so sorry for the loss of your father. if he wants to go is there an adult who could be nominated to be with him all the time and take him out of the church/crem if it is a bit much ?

Lovemyshoes · 26/04/2009 21:40

Really sorry to hear this news.

I did take my two dc to their nanna's funeral 3 years ago, they were 4 and 7.

I know some people will no agree with me, but, I am a great believer in making children aware of death etc. I firmly believe that if my father had not done this with me, I would not have been able to mentally/physically cope with the amount of bereavements I have been through.

Look after yourself, I can empathise with you, my dad died 7 years ago and I miss him every single day.

If you want to talk cat me.

ScummyMummy · 26/04/2009 21:41

I'm so sorry, DrN. Lovely Dads are absolutely irreplaceable.

I've never had the kids at funerals dilemma but fwiw I would certainly take mine (a bit older than your boy at 10 yrs) to a close relative's funeral if they wanted to go.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 26/04/2009 21:41

I'm so sorry to hear about your darling Father.

If my child asked to go to a grandparents funeral I would allow them to go. It may help with their understanding of the situation and to come to terms with it.

MuffinBaker · 26/04/2009 21:42

I'm so sorry DrN.

When my DH's Nan died his mum decided no children.

pottycock · 26/04/2009 21:42

I think I would take him, on reflection - as he has asked.

MmeLindt · 26/04/2009 21:43

Really sorry to hear this, my sympathies for you and your family.

I don't think that I would take my 7yo DD to the funeral, but then she is very sensitive and it would upset her too much I think.

pavlovthepregnantcat · 26/04/2009 21:45

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I believe if your DS wants to go, he should go, will help him say goodbye too, but its a very personal thing, so go with what you feel is the best for your family.

[hugs

Shitemum · 26/04/2009 21:47

So sorry to hear of your loss.
I was 14 when my grandfather died and we children didn't go to the funeral. I still wish I had.

Sidge · 26/04/2009 21:48

I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad

I lost mine a few months ago, it's so hard.

Regarding your son I think if he has asked to go (knowing what a funeral involves) then you should let him, but maybe make arrangements so that there is someone to be with him should he change his mind, or need to leave during the service.

Wishing you peace and strength.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 26/04/2009 21:49

My 6 year old DD recently attended her aunties funeral. She seemed to take it in her stride really. I think it's better to let kids know death is a natural part of life and include them in the funeral rather than hide it away from them. I do think it would be a good idea to have a relative from your partners side or a close friend at the funeral who can look after your son for you.

MrsEricBana · 26/04/2009 21:50

I'm so sorry DrN. My lovely father died in October and we did take dd then 5 and ds 8 to see him in hospital just before he died, to the chapel of rest and to the funeral and I have to say they were absolutely fine, I think it helped them to understand why everyone else was so upset, and they were a great comfort to me and my mother as he had loved them so much and they represented something positive for us all. They also wore respectful but not sombre outfits and I genuinely think it was positive for them and everyone else for them to be there. Lots of love and thinking of you.

jes74 · 26/04/2009 21:51

Sorry to hear about your loss.

We took our son when he was 5 to his great grandfathers funeral at his request and we feel we made the right decision as he really loved his great pop pops, He still talks about the funeral sometimes but in a positive way that he got to say goodbye, It is a hard decision to make but I would be guided by your son, I also think an extra adult to support him may be good.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 26/04/2009 21:51

I'm so sorry.
My dad died last year, I had to take ds, he was 9, as there was no one else to care for him. He sat through it, pulled some silly faces when the vicar went OTT about sins, he did get bored at the wake, despite a book etc. He also threw up in my sisters car on the way.

bellavita · 26/04/2009 21:53

Sorry for your loss

VinegarTitsThePorker · 26/04/2009 21:53

DrN i am so sorry to hear that

Noonki · 26/04/2009 21:54

I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. It's so horrible when it's sudden.

I think it is good for a child to go to a funeral if they want to. DSS came with us to his aunt's when he was about 9 and I think it was good for him to hear all about her and mark the occasion. He still talks about it 3 years on.

Take care of yourself and dont be surprised if your emotions take you all over the place.

Saint2shoes · 26/04/2009 21:54

DrNortherner so sad for you, my dear old dad died in feb so I know how you feel.
I took dd to his funeral, she is 14 but is severely dissabled, she was fine.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/04/2009 21:56

I am so sorry for your loss Dr N.

MIL died suddenly recently - we took the children 9 and 6 to the funeral and crem, they coped surprisingly well.

It was 400 miles away and I had no one to watch the children, I was ready to take them out if needed, but we managed.

Whizzz · 26/04/2009 21:58

Very sorry for your loss. My lovely dad died suddenly at the start of April (was it only 26 days ago?). My nephew who is 12 asked to go to the funeral but to be honest, he got very upset.
My son is 8 & I explained to him why I didn't think it was right for him to go to the funeral, although he came afterwards to see other family members when we were all a bit less tearful.
If your 7 year old wants to go, I would ensure that he is fully prepared for what happens by talking him through everything. But from my experience, no matter how 'in control' you think you will be - you won't be.

I am happy to talk to you via CAT DrN if you'd like to & if it helps. I know what you are going through only too well.

Hassled · 26/04/2009 22:03

I'm so sorry. Yes, take your DS to the funeral if that's what he wants - it's a valuable part of the grieving process, and a chance to say his goodbyes. It will be distressing, but at 7 he's old enough to understand why.

My father died suddenly in the same circumstances as yours, 6 years ago. It was (still is) bloody hard - go easy on yourself. Take your time with everything. With sudden deaths you have the comfort that they didn't die in prolonged pain after months in hospital etc, but for those left behind the shock is overwhelming.

rachels103 · 26/04/2009 22:13

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely dad - I was in your shoes nearly a year ago now and whilst it still hurts like mad and I miss him every day, the sheer overwhelming grief that you are experiencing now will become easier to deal with in time.

My ds was only 2 1/2 so he didn't come to the funeral - he joined the family afterwards. However, my nieces and nephews, the other grandchildren, all attended. The youngest was 10 and he was very upset but because they live overseas it was important to them to be able to say goodbye.

If your ds really wants to go I wouldn't personally stop him. Do try to think about giving yourself space and time at the funeral to grieve without having to worry about him though - can your partner take on this role?

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