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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My lovely lovely Dad died on Tuesday.

43 replies

DrNortherner · 26/04/2009 21:36

And I am devastated. It was so sudden and he had a heart attack at home.

Ds who is 7 wants to attend the funeral. I am concernd it will be too distressing for him. Has anyone here taken young kids to a grandparents funeral?

OP posts:

lemonadesparkle · 26/04/2009 23:40

I am so sorry for your loss.

My twins were 7yrs old when my mother died and they both attended her funeral. DD drew a picture for her Nanny and wrote a short poem which she asked if she could read at the service. When the time came she couldn't actually read it (not sure if that was due to the inevitable emotions or the 100s of people attending the service) so her 11yr old cousin stood beside her and read it out on her behalf and her twin brother held her hand . The paper was then placed on the coffin along with the floral arrangments. I really think it helped the children deal with the loss of such a major influence and source of love in their lives.

Could it perhaps be an idea for your ds to draw a picture or do something similar so that if on the day he decides he cannot face attending the funeral he can feel that he was present in someway?

I do think that it is important that children are given the opportunity to say goodbye in a way they are comfortable and at the same time understand that it is completely normal to be upset.

ladette · 26/04/2009 23:57

So sorry to hear that DrNorthener. Our DCs did't go to my Dad or FIL's funerals but they were very little. DS made a card for my FIL which went on the coffin with the flowers (was too young to really understand when my Dad died)
Both went to my MIL's funeral(at 8 and 12)and it was the right thing to do, for them. The hardest things were i) their seeing other adults, including their parents/aunts/uncles/older cousins very upset, but we had warned them about this beforehand ii) our seeing them upset, especially when the coffin was taken away and DD waved and said "goodbye Nan" - but IMO funerals are there to help deal with the grief and in a way it was good to share it with them. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, there are too many variables which will depend on the children and the specific situation. Read what people write on here, but do what your gut tells you is right for your DCs xxx

MadameGeorgeClooney · 27/04/2009 00:01

DrN, I am so very sorry to hear this. What an awful shock for you. I hope you have lots of family and friends supporting you and that you have time and space to process what the hell's going on.

I think you would benefit from discussing your DS's attendance with him. You might also want to talk to other people who were not allowed to go to close family funerals as children. From what I understand it increases the sense of loss as the children need to participate in the ritual of saying goodbye as much as the adults.

One woman I met said that her daughter created a 'shrine' to her grandpa in her room (similar age, I think) as well as attending the funeral. She and her mother sat in the shrine every evening and lit a candle or something - it was a great way for them to share their grief.

Califrau · 27/04/2009 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cicatrice · 27/04/2009 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Peachy · 27/04/2009 13:15

I am so sorry Dr N

Taking a child IMO iis purely based on your take on how the child will cope and likely issues if any with other attendees

I'd take my boys aged 8 and 9 FWIW

NorbertDentressangle · 27/04/2009 13:19

So sorry to hear this DrN and Cicatrice.

My Dad died last year and DD (8 at the time) went to the funeral (well cremation) as she wanted to.

I did tell her beforehand what to expect (especially the bits about the coffin arriving, curtains closing at the crem etc) and also explained that some people will be upset and crying.

She did get upset on the day but I think that was mainly due to seeing me and my Mum crying.

throckenholt · 27/04/2009 13:22

sorry to hear your news. My dad also died suddenly of a heart attack. Only consolation I have ever found is that it was quick so no long drawn out illness. It does help a tiny bit.

As for the funeral - I would take DS - but have someone on standby to take him out if he wants to.

McDreamy · 27/04/2009 13:26

I am so sorry DrNortherner, so very sorry

IMO I think if your DS is asking to go to the funeral then I would take him but you must do what feels right for you and your family. I will be thinking of you xx

ForeverOptimistic · 27/04/2009 13:28

I am so sorry to hear your news.

If your ds has asked to attend to the funeral I would take him. Funerals are sad but they can also be happy occasions as you remember the person who you all loved so much. I lost a grandparent as a young child and I was not allowed to attend the funeral. I remember feeling very confused and scared, I assumed that the funeral must be an awful event because children were not allowed to witness it. A few years ago my nieces attended the funeral of my step-father, it really helped them with the grieving process and they wrote their own poems for the service.

OrmIrian · 27/04/2009 13:30

So sorry DrN.

If he wants to go I would let him.

Original poster

DrNortherner · 29/04/2009 14:00

Thanks all for your thoughts and kind words. I am with my Mum now sorting out all the practical stuff

It seems that all my older family members think ds should stay away, and the younger ones think he should come.

I need to discuss with dh.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 30/04/2009 22:52

I am so sorry Northerner

RUNFORLOVE · 30/04/2009 22:56

I think he should be able to go.

I read somewhere before that its really important as part of the mourning process to allow the child to see them to the end.

He may find it harder to accept he's gone.

My daughter is 6 and I would bring her to my fathers funeral if he died.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Sending hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fortyplus · 30/04/2009 23:01

Really sorry to hear your sad news.

My two were 8 & 10 and they both wanted to go to my dad's funeral. I took them to the crem and showed them flowers, gardens, where the service would be held etc beforehand and explained about where hearse would arrive with coffin etc. I think it's really important for them to have the choice about whether or not to go but much easier for them if they know exactly what to expect.

Original poster

DrNortherner · 03/05/2009 18:34

Well the funeral is Tuesday, ds is coming I have decided. I am giving a eulogy and ds wants to come and stand next to me, bless him.

I still feel like my heart is breaking, I can not beleive whatever happens in my life now my Dad will never know

OP posts:

janestillhere · 03/05/2009 18:43

I feel my ds aged 8 did benefit from coming to my mums funeral a year ago.

Of course it was upsetting for him, but I kept saying to him how wonderful it was that his Grandma had known and been cared about by so many people, and that they were all there to say Goodbye.

So sorry for you xx It's a terrible time xx Love to you and yours.

fortyplus · 05/05/2009 16:38

Hope you all got on all right today. I think you did the right thing. My ds2 used to cry at night over my dad. I laminated some photos of him for ds to keep next to his bed which he said helped a lot. They used to see each other at least 3 times a week and were very close. It took a couple of years for ds2 to get over it.

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