My close friends / next door neigbours child has died suddenly, I am in total shock

[mumofdjandbabies]

of cot death.
aged 2.
we are all gutted. and totally shocked.
I want to be the best support I can to her and the family.
Our families are the same age and now her little one is gone.
please advise me.
I never slept a wink, I am so shocked and upset.
I dont know what I will say to her.
Do I send flowers or is that twee etc.
I texted and she texted back.
Long term how I act I do not know as I am so pained for them.
I feel numb I cant imagine how they feel.
we live in a small town.
The whole town is in shock.
They are very much loved as a local family.
sorry havering am in total shock.

Could I just add that after the funeral will be the time your friend and her family will need you more than ever. After the funeral people will get on with their everyday lives and the world will 'keep on turning.'

I think that after the funeral comes 'limbo' time - a time that is just the weirdest time. Every day seems to last about 40 hours, when it rains it seems the weather is grieving with you and when the sun shines it seems to be taking the mickey out of your grief.

Your friend will need you - just to talk or sometimes just to sit with her in silence. xx

Oh, I'm so very sorry.

My godde, that's awful. I didn't know a 2yo could.

Offer your help, let them know you are there. And as time passes, offer distraction and too much sympathy can set you off too.

thanks guys xx
am desp hoping I wont put my foot in it inadvertantly.

If you do put your foot in it just apologise and say 'Im so afraid that I will upset you.' The truth is so very important to the bereaved. xx

One of the kindest things a neighbour did for us (I lost my young mum traumatically recently) was pop over a dish we could freeze...but she has done this every month since for 4 months which is special.

Just acknowledge that they will be consumed with this forever. Try and anticipate difficult times...the childs birthday, christmas etc...we are struggling with mothers day at the moment.

Never mention comparisons...ie another child was younger...I know how you feel just lost my garnny...in deep grief you have no capacity to consider others pain.

Listening, being tender, is all that matters...do not send a Christmas card unless you acknowledge their loss. I had a new year card that said hope 2009 is better...well not really I had my mum for 10 months of 2008...

think you can only trip up or offend by trying to jolly someone along or move them on...just listen, catch the tears, be the quiet rock

mulranno - beautiful post. Heartfelt words that say everything. Im so sorry for your loss xx

wise words thanks xx
sorry for your loss honey

my daughter died of cotdeath.
just be there for your friend, things like shopping and cooking you can help with, general housework, because trust me she will just want to give everything up. make sure you are there for her, i had some people i considered friends cross the street to avoid me because they didnt know what to say to me, for goodness sake, did they think that helped i wouldnt speak to those few people now, never!
we have a group set up in nottingham and we try and help couples that have gone through the same, maybe if you contact the self help group in your area there is one there. your friend is welcome to contact me!

we contacted FSID but they were not much help, it took me 2 weeks to talk to a befriender, they are lucky i did not top myself! and they dont open at weekends, so try not to grieve at the weekend

so sorry to hear about your lovely lo.
thanks for your kind offer if an opport comes up I am going to tell them about peoples kind offers of contact should they want it from here xxx

how awful...just to reiterate what someone else said, I think, as someone who has been in your friends shoes, the most important thing is not to forget about the child who has passed. I think the hardest part is when the funeral is over, and everyone goes back to their own lives, and you often feel that people have forgotten about your loss, and they are afraid to bring it up because they do not want to upset you, and you do not want to bring it up to your friends because you do not want to overwhelm them. So the most important piece of advice I can say is that even after the devastating day of the funeral, do not think that the greiving ends there(not to say that you would), but in a couple of days, call, drop by, give your friend a chance to chat, then do it again a few days later, a few weeks later, a few months later and so on...because the loss and pain never goes away. Time makes it better, but time when you feel isolated from others around you who want you to "get on with your life" seems to stand still even more (you'd be amazed how many times I had people tell me to get on with it, or that it was Gods way, or maybe it was for the best. Needless to say, I am no longer friends with any of the individuals who said this to me.
It sounds like your friend is lucky to have such a caring and great neighbour and friend in you.

Down the road, depending on how your friend is doing, there is a great website where you can create a free tribute to a loved one, that you may want to pass on to them, in order to share their greif with others. The website can be found at www.muchloved.com
I created this and found it helped me in my loss and even now, friends and family use it to leave thoughts, add photos and stories about those I lost, and their posts put a smile on my face.
Also, there are so many websites of support out there, especially for a parent who has lost a baby of child to SIDS.

I hope you are all able to get through the funeral on Monday and can be a support to one another.

A poem that might help to put a smile on your friends face, not now, but sometime down the road perhaps...*note, obviously this is based on someone being from a Christianity beleif, if this is not the case in your situation, the words can be changed to suit as needed.

It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies

Even though your down below
And I am up above
I'm sending you my wishes
And all my angel love

It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event
For lots of gifts will come your way
And all are Heaven sent

First I'll take a bubble bath-
My splashes might cause some rain
But knowing all the fun I'm having
Will help to ease your pain

Next I'll get some pictures
In my halo and gown
So when you get to Heaven
You can show me all around

I have color crayons in Heaven
And I will draw some stars so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight

Then Jesus will have story time
And I will sit upon his lap
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap

I'll awake full of energy
And play a game or two
Before I finish sending
All my love to you

After snack I'll write a song
For all the birds to sing
And know I've made you happy
With all the joy it brings

At night time I'll be tired
But I'll still hold you tight
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night

And when you finally slumber
I will kneel and pray
Asking God to bless you
On this special Mothers Day

Love,
Your Little Angel

Oh Melissa what a beautiful poem.....many years have passed since the loss of my two much loved sons but that poem says it all. Thank you for sharing it xxxx

I heard about this at toddlers yesterday. A good friend of mine who lives round the corner is good friends of the mum. I knew you'd know them, small village and all that.

Ever since hearing about it the poor family have never been far from my prayers. I know you'll be a great friend in all this. Praying that they'll get through these terrible days. xxx

lovely poem.
thanks for your posts guys xxx