Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My close friends / next door neigbours child has died suddenly, I am in total shock

66 replies

mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 07:35

of cot death.
aged 2.
we are all gutted. and totally shocked.
I want to be the best support I can to her and the family.
Our families are the same age and now her little one is gone.
please advise me.
I never slept a wink, I am so shocked and upset.
I dont know what I will say to her.
Do I send flowers or is that twee etc.
I texted and she texted back.
Long term how I act I do not know as I am so pained for them.
I feel numb I cant imagine how they feel.
we live in a small town.
The whole town is in shock.
They are very much loved as a local family.
sorry havering am in total shock.

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 16/03/2009 08:41

I'm so sorry to hear this.

The best piece of advice I can give is never forget the little boy. Let your neighbour talk about him and you mention him too. The worst thing is when people ignore you or the fact that your lo ever existed. If you are not sure how to approach it, take her lead. If she mentions her ds, don't gloss over it, carry the conversation on.

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 08:43

how sad eh

thanks have mailed you x

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 08:43

thats a great point thank you ill try to remember that too

OP posts:
SomeMightSay · 16/03/2009 08:46

I have no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say how awful, your poor friend and her family. I can't begin to imagine what they are all going through. My best friend's sister lost her baby when he was 10 weeks old, he was born very early so there was always a change he wouldn't make it, but once he got through the first few nights, the families fears started ebbing away. The mum has a ds of 3, so that helped her in the way that she had to get up in the mornings and I think her older ds was her lifeline tbh, without him, she and her dh may have just ended it all themselves.

shabster · 16/03/2009 08:54

No death so sad as that of a child Practical help is fantastic - cooking a meal, doing some washing or ironing, letting the mum and family cry and pour there hearts out or be silent, because people cope with grief in many different ways.

Loads of hugs - people seemed afraid to touch me when I lost my sons - and never, ever, ever avoid a bereaved person because you are afraid of upsetting them. Believe me the person does know that people are turning down the street and rushing in the opposite direction.

I think total honesty with your child about was has happened. Just simple, easy to understand facts. Children see black or white - not the grey area in the middle where the bereaved lie in limbo for what seems like an eternity. If your child cries let him...just hold him and try not to say 'come on now dont cry.' You will teach him a very valuable lesson that death is sad and we are allowed to show our sadness.

My love and thoughts will be with your friend and her family....Most of all - just be there for her xxxxx

shabster · 16/03/2009 08:57

A very special thread

Please feel free to post on our special thread. A wonderful bunch of loyal, brave ladies....walking the 'crappy path' together and supporting each other xxx

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 08:59

thanks guys, such good solid advice
I am trying to absorb it
I really am so sorry to hear of your losses shabster and somemightsay xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 09:04

aw thank you
I actually know hazy from old bless her (a firm fave of mine)

OP posts:
lljkk · 16/03/2009 09:16

For some (sad) reason, in last few years I seem to have met a fair few people who lost young babies or children.

From what they tell me:
Any note of sympathy will be appreciated.
More importantly, don't avoid the subject. One of the worst things was being treated like a social leper afterwards. People avoiding them (like crossing the street, ducking into shops, not being wiling chat for long, etc.) just so the topic won't come up. You don't have to bring it up, but if it comes out (my neighbour said that she just couldn't stop herself from talking about it), then be willing to listen, giving them a chance to let it out.
Listening can be golden.

shabster · 16/03/2009 09:24

lljkk - so very true....listening is very special. I still talk about my boys to my friends and we lost one of our twin boys almost 27 years ago and our third son was killed almost 17 years ago.

Have been thinking about this thread since early morning. Mumofdj - your friend will never be the same again - that is true. BUT with help, love, understanding, listening and time she will learn how to cope with her new circumstances. She will need people around her for many days, weeks, months and years. She will have a million questions that quite simply cannot be answered even by the most educated doctors.

Forgot to say as well....dont panick if she cries or if you cry - so what, we are human beings and emotions like that should never be hidden away. I tried to hide them and it doesn't work. xx

Buda · 16/03/2009 12:04

ggg - it was Maud I was thinking of when I said it was not uncommon. Knowing about Maud and also knowing of another child almost as old who died of SIDS made me think that it isn't uncommon. I am very glad to be wrong if you know what I mean.

I thought of you straight away when I saw this but didn't want to suggest you as a point of contact as I know you haven't been around much and I understand your reasons. I still think of Maud when I see pink balloons. How are you doing?

shabster · 16/03/2009 12:28

You have prompted me to open my 'treasure box' a massive box of precious stuff. School reports, baby bootees, mothers day cards etc etc.

In it I found this poem and wondered if it would help?

It seems so useless to say,
Is there anything I can do for you?
I know what I can do.
If you want company,
I will stay with you.
If you want to talk,
I will listen;
If you want to listen,
I will talk.
If you want to eat,
I will serve you;
If you refuse to eat,
I will understand.
Yes, My friend, there is something I can do for you.
I can share your hurt
And maybe make it easier to bear.

Kind of says it all really xxx

Nabster · 16/03/2009 12:35

I am so sorry for you, your friend and your whole community.

I think getting her some shopping in and maybe just getting on and doing things, if you know her well enough, rather than saying to ask if she needs anything.

So so sorry.

nickschick · 16/03/2009 12:39

18 months ago a boy ar ds school was involved in a regic road accident- I never met him yet still i cry for him i have spoken with his mum and we have actually become friends now but it absolutely shocked me to the core initially.

I spoe with our fmily gp who sympathised and actually said something that may help you 'in your past youve had things that you werent able to confront and the sadness you feel about this death is the culmination of all the sadness you felt then'.

ingles2 · 16/03/2009 12:43

That is really so sad.
Sympathies to you, your friend and others on here who have lost loved ones.

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 16/03/2009 14:23

thanks all
beautiful poem
met my friend and her husband, I was speechless literally I had not a clue what to say that wasnt twee sounding

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 17/03/2009 07:33

I am really sorry to hear about your friends child . It is the hardest thing to go through and to watch someone go through .

It doesn't matter that you didn't know what to say . There isn't a magic phrase that is going to make them feel better . Just being there and listening to them talk or cry is worth more than anything .The people that were the best for me were those that knew it was the most awful thing imaginable and yet still came and faced it with me . I know how scary it is to see that raw pain in your friend and you probably feel completely helpless but honestly just by keeping in touch and letting them know you are there will make a difference .

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 17/03/2009 08:59

thanks honey
I am still in shock
cant put my hand to much else as its consuming my very thoughts...

OP posts:
shabster · 17/03/2009 09:11

You are so right - when something like this happens it does consume your thoughts, your actions, your words - everything. You realise how life is so very precious. When my DS3 was only about 6 he said 'You know what Mam? We have to do everything we can every day - we have to grab every day by the balls and shake it!' BUT he was so right - maybe he knew he would only have a few years on this Earth???

Every morning I am lucky enough to wake up I think of his cheeky face, smiley eyes and quirky nature and I grab the day by the balls and shake it hard. xxx

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 17/03/2009 09:37

shabster, youre spot on that made ms smile!

OP posts:
shabster · 17/03/2009 10:23

Matt loved 'toilet humour' but I almost spit my coffee all over the living room when he came out with that comment

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 18/03/2009 15:47

bless him.xx

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 18/03/2009 19:29

Hi mumofdjandbabies how you doing today ?

Original poster
mumofdjandbabies · 19/03/2009 10:12

Hi
this is day 4 now still cant believe its real, funeral monday, thanks for asking.
we can see his anf his brothers toys in their garden from our garden, what heartache. unbelievable heartache.xx

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 19/03/2009 10:33

It is a very unreal thing to have happened . I think it takes a long time for the mind to believe what has happened . The funeral will help with that but obviously you have all got a very long road ahead of you .