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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Just been told I've lost my baby

55 replies

stressedmumof1 · 11/04/2005 14:28

I've just been told I've lost my baby. I was 16 weeks and I just can't take it in Don't understand I've been bleeding for nearly a week and apparently my wombs nearly empty I knew as she was scanning me that something wasn't right cos she took ages. Really stupid of me but I didn't ask questions I now want answering I'm too numb to know what to do now

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 11/04/2005 14:30

I'm so sorry smof1 . this is tragic news.

I'd phone my midwife/obs consultant and arrange an appointment to talk through your questions and feelings. I wish I could offer something more.

xxxxxxxx

feelingdown · 11/04/2005 14:30

big hugs sorry your going through this i know exactly how you feel x

starshaker · 11/04/2005 14:31

really sorry to hear about ur loss. i was the same and i didnt ask any questions and wish i had is there anyway u could phone ur midwife or the hospital and ask the questions even if its just for peace of mind

ponygirl · 11/04/2005 14:32

Oh stressedmumof1, I'm so sorry! I have no experience of this, but I know other mumsnetters have. I'm sure someone will be along with something more useful to say! But I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have someone with you? You shouldn't be alone.

anchovies · 11/04/2005 14:34

I am so sorry, what sad news

Agree with NdeP, ring your midwife/GP/consultant and see them asap.

Thinking of you xxx

NomDePlume · 11/04/2005 14:35

BTW the stunned silence after being given the diagnosis is 100% normal, it's shock, totally natural. I'm sure your mw, GP or whoever was looking after you in pregnancy will be very much aware that you have questions that you were unable to raise at the time. Please make the call.

kama · 11/04/2005 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sweetheart · 11/04/2005 14:39

stressed

I'm so so sorry you've been through this - it's totally crap (I wish I could say otherwise)

We lost our baby boy at 16 weeks in January and I can promise you that it does get easier - even though at the time I thought I'd never get through another day without crying about it.

If you have questions I would recommend any of the following routes.

Phone your GP or MW and ask for them to visit you at home. We had a home visit from my mw the day after I had our little boy. I'm sure they will be ahppy to visit you and answer any questions you have at this time.

You could also phone the central delivery suite at your hospital and ask to speak to either the head midwife or the people that delt with your case. You should either be able to speak to them over the phone or make an appointment for you to go in.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to CAT me if you need someone to talk to.

secretregular · 11/04/2005 14:40

Oh no you poor thing. I've had 2 miscarriages and am mum of 2, can I answer any questions which might be driving you mad?

Marina · 11/04/2005 14:48

Oh, how awful for you, stressed. Agree you need to speak to your midwife or consultant as soon as possible. Am assuming this was a sonographer - they do a great job but should not be the only health professionals you see in these circumstances.
Hope it helps to talk here - I lost a baby at 21 weeks and I found the support from other Mumsnetters so valuable and helpful.
There are numerous tests of your blood that can be done to try and understand why your baby died. A full history of your pregnancy needs to be taken - did they scan you before, for example? I'm sorry to say that sometimes there are no explanations that the medical profession can give. We never found out. But that doesn't mean the tests are a waste of time, far from it.
Losing a baby in the second trimester is much less common than first trimester miscarriage and should always be properly investigated as the causes of this kind of loss are often different.
Sending you hugs. I'm so sad for you.

Kaz33 · 11/04/2005 14:50

Hugs, been there. Remember its not your fault sometimes it just happens.

piffle · 11/04/2005 14:51

I am so sorry for your loss
hugs x x x x x x x

Original poster

stressedmumof1 · 11/04/2005 15:22

I'm by myself at the moment my ds is at my work (a nursery)babys dad is in the army and I can't get hold of him even when I do I dont know what to say
My main question is what has happened to my baby, the clots I've passed are surely too small to have been my baby, i feel so stupid asking this but i thought at 16 weks I'd have noticed her. I know i was at least 14.5 wks cos I had a scan cos of a first bleed then i stopped and started again
I'm sure I've felt my baby move a few days ago
i'm sorry for rambling but right now i feel bettre talking on here than to someone

OP posts:

welshmum · 11/04/2005 15:36

Oh stressed mum so very sorry to hear what you're going through. It's just awful.
I lost one at 12 weeks and didn't 'see' anything either - can't really offer any words of advice on that one. Can only send you a big hug really and I'm thinking of you.

Marina · 11/04/2005 15:44

I don't think you're at all "stupid" for wondering what has happened with regard to your baby, stressed. Tom was delivered at 21 weeks, estimated to have died less than a week beforehand, and he weighed nearly a pound and had a placenta appropriate to a 20 week baby. I must admit I was very surprised and sad for you when you said you had been bleeding for a week at 16 weeks and that your womb was nearly empty...can you not see someone URGENTLY about this? If all was well at 14.5 weeks this must be very puzzling and upsetting for you. Did the sonographer not immediately get a midwife or obstetrician to come and talk to you and give you some support and explanation? I wish you had someone with you to go back to the hospital.
Sending you lots of hugs, what a horrible shock, and it sounds as though you didn't get much help at the hospital.

Hulababy · 11/04/2005 18:19

I am so sorry to hear of your loss

secretregular · 11/04/2005 19:03

stressedmum, my second miscarriage was at 12 weeks bang on and I definitely knew I had passed the sack which the baby was in. I felt it, it was unmistakable from little clots, of which I had lots of afterwards. It was bigger and really obvious. the next day I was scanned and they were saying "oh you'd be surprised it might still be there" but I knew with 100 percent certainty that I had passed it. Have they told you that there is nothing there at all? Did they say they might have to do a D and C? The only thing I can think is that perhaps (please don't be upset at this) that the foetus actually stopped thriving a long time ago, and so wasn't that big which is why you didn't feel it. They told me that because of the colour blood (brown spotting the day I miscarried) the likelihood was it died at around 9 weeks and the body can hold on for weeks and weeks later. What did they tell you exactly and what are you feeling?

mancmum · 11/04/2005 19:05

so so sorry to hear this -- I lost my baby at 12 weeks.... nothing I can say will help but just want you to know that I am thinking of you and if you need anyone to talk to, send e a CAT....

hugs and love to you at this awful time

Arabica · 11/04/2005 19:34

Hello stressedmum, I am so sorry to hear what's happened and that you still have unanswered questions.
I really needed to know what would happened to my baby when I had the ERPC operation--I needed to know if there was a tiny body which could be buried, or blessed, or in some way honoured.
In my case I was told that, so far as they could tell, my pregnancy hadn't advanced beyond the earliest stage and had probably never even had a heartbeat--but the miscarriage wasn't discovered until I was 10 weeks 'pregnant', and only a tiny pinprick of cells would have been present. Which reassured me, so I hope the hospital can take time to tell you what you need to know.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience and I send you lots of love.

Original poster

stressedmumof1 · 11/04/2005 19:40

secret - they haven't really said a lot or maybe they did and I didn't take it in. I was in there for over 3 hrs after they told me but I can't remember much of it. i may need to go back for a erpc but they think that i'm going to continue to lose it all myself. I lost a larger clot or sac but that was at the time of the first scan and i have felt her move since then - only flutterings but there all the same
I'm still feeling numb but have spoke to 2 good friends who would have been the babys auntie and uncle and i had another big cry.
i'm going to phone a number i was given to talk to a lady at the hospital but that won't be until tomorrow

OP posts:

charleepeters · 11/04/2005 19:41

im so sorry i know how bad it was when i misscarried i just want to let you knwo im thinking of you, {{{hugs}}}

secretregular · 11/04/2005 22:28

Its really difficult to think what happened and I know you need answers. I think you would have known if you had passed the sac I really do, especially at 16 weeks. Be really careful about letting nature take its course. I got into real problems with that with my second miscarriage. The later you are in pregnancy the more products are there for the body to dispel. They asked me if I wanted a d and c but I couldn't fact it and opted for the natural option. I thought my body was doing a good job on its own. But it didn't all go away and when they scanned me they thought they saw a bump and I ended up having an operation to remove it. afterwards the surgeon came and told me it was after products which just hadn't gone. This took 4 scans and an operation to discover. I was really sorry I didn't just opt for a D and C in the first place. Good luck tomorrow and let me know how you get on x

wishingchair · 12/04/2005 12:32

stressed - I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Call the midwife/hospital and just ask them. Write the questions down so you don't get muddled. 2 months ago I was told my baby had died - he was 15/16 weeks when he died but I was 19 weeks. If you say you had a scan at 14.5 and the baby was the right size at that time then I can say with absolute certainty that you know when you deliver it. It is not like a big clot/bad period at this stage, it was like a mini labour and birth - very painful - I had to breathe through the contractions and everything. I had to actively push him out and then actively push out the placenta which was quite big as well. So I'm confused like you why they say your womb is nearly empty.

We saw our baby and he was about the size of my hand but perfectly formed with finger tips and everything. Because this happened fairly late, we have had a funeral as well, organised and paid for by the hospital. This has really really helped us to grieve. Call them - you need to know you have actually delivered your baby and all the other bits as well. Again, because the miscarriage was classed as a late one, they did lots of blood tests and tissue sample from the baby to try to find out why so you could have those done as well.

But I also want to say, like someone else did, it does get easier. I couldn't imagine being able to enjoy normal life but I am starting to now look positively to the future.

And I was convinced I had felt him move, but now have had to accept that I didn't. It is really really hard but you will get through it.

Lots of love

Original poster

stressedmumof1 · 12/04/2005 15:16

Hi, thanks for all your messages and I'm sorry that you have all been through this as well.
I phoned the hospital today and I'm going back in tomorrow to talk to them and ask them properly what has happened. They told me that it is possible for the baby not to have shown up on the scan as there was a lot of 'fluid' and if after talking to them tomorrow i want to be rescanned I can.
I also need to have another pregnancy test to rule out the baby being ectopic my test yesterday was still positive and the scan doesn't rule it out but surely it would have been picked up on the earlier scan if it was ectopic
I'm still very numb and hope that by leaving it until tomorrow to talk I can understand it better

OP posts:

Arabica · 12/04/2005 17:08

thinking of you xxx

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