Do you ever wonder if there has just been a terrible mistake?

[LucyEllensmummy]

I lost my lovely Dad three years ago - before he even met my darling DD. I took some primroses up to his grave today, but again, i can't accept this. Its not right - my Dad couldn't be dead, he just couldn't be. He was so ill before he went, he had alzheimers and DAD was gone almost a year before he died. But i can't say when he went - i am not sure of the date he died either. Im questioning whether i am going to wake up and it didn't happen. Its not right, he is supposed to be playing with his second grand daughter, HE should have been making a snow man with her this week - my bloody fingers nearly dropped off in the cold! He should be taking her to ballet lessons and getting all choked up every time she does something - she scored a goal at football practice yesterday (ok so it was an own goal, but she is only thee!) HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!! I do just feel like there has been a terrible mistake and that he is not dead, just in some sort of limbo - frightened and angry and trying to get back to us - but i can't get a sense of him at the cemetry, sometimes i sense him watching DD, but its so tentative and then it goes in a flash. I can't miss him because i don't think he has gone.

My mum is angry with me for having him buried instead of cremated, i am angry with her for not telling me at the time!

You see, nothing is as it should be - and i don't know how to sort it out. I feel as if i make the right bargains with the right person i can have my dad back, but i can't - can i??

i don't think you ever Accept it as such i think it's more about knowing that it has happened and having a new "normal", one that you didn't chose or want.
i felt preey sure that we would get a knock at the door and someone would say, "we have been filming your family as some sort of test, you have passed, so here you go, you can have your husband back".
of course that is never gonna happen but it doesn't stop you thinking it might.
i think you are right there is a lot of bargaining to be done.

I understand some of what you say. My FIL died before we had the chance to tell him I was expecting his first GC. To this day,(over 20 years later) it really upsets DH and me. Our DS1 is so very much like his GF, his interests, academic abilities, talents, with only one exception, are all the same as his GF. Yet not in any way shared by DH and so definitely NOT things he has been pushed into IYSWIM. They would have been such great friends. Like you, we used to say 'he should have been there', to a certain extent we still do. I know that FIl would have been so proud of what our DS1 and DS2 have achieved, as well as the other GC. I can only say that sometimes, when we or I go to the crem. we take a card and write down all the family news. Somehow it helps. Even now DH 'forgets' and will say 'I must tell dad.....'then he remembers and is sad for a whils. FIl had not been unwell, was young and just died of massive, first heart attack. So no warnings or time to plan.
Its good that you don't miss him, it means that in a way he is still alive in you. Don't know what to say or do to help, just wanted to let you know I do understand how you feel.

thankyou both so much.

OJ - how are you doing these days? For me it is made easier but the fact that, you know, we are supposed to lose our parents at some point, thats just the way it is - he was 73 and healthy up until the alzheimers got him. For you, I don't know how you get through the day without wanting to find someone to scream at. Thankyou so much for answering my thread - it helped just to write it down so i realised i wasnt going mad

oh Lucy am so sorry for your loss I lost my mum after her 6yr battle with cancer in July, a week before I had DD3

am still in denial/ trying to get on with it and haven't yet reached any other stage of bereavement yet but I have to believe in everything happening for a reason otherwise whats the point?

you may not be able to get your lovely dad back but I'm pretty sure there is a lot of him in you and I'm also sure if you watch your DC closely you'll see him there too

dizzy, i don't think i have past the denial stage even - do we ever? I mean, this is too much to accept? I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely mum - i sometimes feel like raging at God, that was so cruel for her to be taken from you at that time. My Dad died when DD was 8 weeks old, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and died two weeks later, but he was ravaged by alzheimers - he had been admitted to psych hospital to have his meds adjusted and was off the planet - I was waiting for a lucid day to introduce him to DD - it never came

oh Lucy how horrid for you, at least when mum went it only took 4 weeks and she eventually just slipped away. I was devestated that 2 days before I was booked in to have DD3 I was burying my mum and I remember sitting at the ceremony listening to the minister thinking 'aye shite, stuff your god and his bigger fecking plan '

not very elloquent I know but the best I could do at the time

do you ever feel him near to you? can you see him at all in your DC? I have 3 very informal photos of mum just in my room and DD1 remembers her but unfortunately DD2 and obviously DD3 never will but I can do my best to let them know that they had a lovely granny who would have adored them and spoilt them rotten if only she'd had the chance

I think its perfectly understandable for you to be angry and if you need someone to rage at then right at this moment in time God is a good target. Your dad and my mum were taken too soon and its senseless and its cruel but I know for a fact my mum would be telling me not to be wasting my time trying to make sense of it and to get on and enjoy my kids whilst I can

I don't have the words to make you feel better and for that I'm truely sorry but please know you're not alone in what you're feeling and if you need to talk you only have to ask

LucyEllensmum, I know exactly how you feel.

I still can't believe my dd will never know my mum. As dd gets older and learns more and more I just keep thinking how much my mum would have loved her and how much they would both have got out of the realtionship. Still doesn't seem real. I don't think it ever will.

Don't think there's any answer to it all, sadly.

relationship excuse the typo

do you know what dizzy, i do - I really do - sort of like a guardian angel. Which is because im a scientist and supposedly all logical and cynical, well i am - but i do feel it, and it is very comforting at times. BUT i just want to tell him i love him, i never really did you see - we had a great relationship, but I couldn't handle the alzheimers. I remember vividly the last time he recognised me - he looked at me like he thought he was never going to see me again, i was pregnant - i knew i had lost my dad that day. I'll never forget the look on his face when i left him in that home - scared, alone and vulnerable. It was awful to see him, he became violent and that is what upset me more than anything - MY dad, hit another lady in the home, hit my DD (she was 15 at the time) and told her she was dead He would have been MORTIFIED, just mortified and i just couldn't handle it. When i visited him in the hospital he looked right through me - its not like he didn't recognise me, it was like he couldn't see me.

Sorry, you don't need this - im drinking again, even though DP has warned me not to. He thinks i have a drink problem - fuck, i think he is right

Why is your mum angry with you? Surely it was her decision how he was laid to rest.

Lucy that wasn't your dad, it wasn't him. that was the horrid illness which is cruel and unjust but you HAVE to not let those images of him be your last ones. You owe it to your dad to remember beyond that back to when he wasn't taken over by the alzheimers and please remember none of that was his fault at all.

are you drinking too much? if thats your way of dealing with it you need to know it - mine is comfort eating but if I wasn't still bfing I'd be throwing down the wine as well

LEM im sorry for you, my mum died in 1984 and to be truly honest even today I trick myself in my own mind that really she is alive ,perhaps shes abroad but in my head i talk to her rather like a 1 way phone call I know my life would be very different if she were here.

I dont think you ever get used to it I think you just learn to live with it xx

Desi - she has said she wanted him cremated, and is constantly making snipes about the cemetary, him not being in a good position (she is right, its a bit pants, but we didn't specify - just let the funeral directors sort it out). I really couldnt bear the thought of cremation, and i said that i wanted him buried. I made it 100% clear that if my mum didn't want this, i would absolutely respect her wishes. But she insisted that it was OK. The trouble is, i think she did it to get at her sister, who was on my case about burial not being right as "all our family are cremated, wont it be nice for him to be there" She said to her sister, He is LEMs Dad, its up to her to decide. I considered that she gave her blessing. I made the wrong decision I felt i needed to be able to go and see him - i don;t drive and would have to rely on being driven to the crematorium, also, there would be no actual place where he would be. But of course now i feel bad because i don't go to see him as often as i should, because it hurts too much.

Its pants, but i feel bad now, because it is bringing up memories for you lovely ladies and i don;t want to upset anyone - I'm OK. I just feel very angry about it all today.

LEM you're not upsetting anyone we're just trying to let you know what you're feeling is ok and you're allowed to feel angry

for what its worth I feel your Mum is also dealing with her grief and won't be meaning to make you feel bad at all. It wasn't the wrong decision, he is at rest and you'll be able to visit when the time is right.

Anger is ok it has it's place in all of this, i have never been angry with Steve for dying as i know that he wanted to stay with me and the kids, but i do feel angry that he has died and that the kids have lost their dad, the kids and me have only each other now no other family for back up so we have to do the best that we can, and we will, i promised Steve to always do my best.
i think we often torture ourselves with not being sure we did the right thing, when you are dealing with the death of a loved one it is so very hard to know what is the right thing, we just have to hope that you did the best really.

acceptance

Agree completely with OJ.
Anger is very normal and i don't think it ever goes away.
Life throws these things at us and it's very hard to live without the person who we grieve for.
I atually wonder what i would feel i my mum turned up at my door?
Weird isn't it given you know that is 100% never going to happen!

I am very lucky because I still have both my parents and they are in their 70's. I have lost 2 of my 4 DS's. I can remember waking up...after just a couple of hours of sleep and thinking 'what a lovley morning' and then, within seconds realising what had happened. I dread anything happening to my mum and dad because they are like 'second' parents to my two surviving sons.

Have no great words of wisdom I'm afraid - just the dreaded, awful statement that everybody makes - 'Time does heal.' I know that is pathetic - but many years down this crappy road I know it is a true saying. xx

lily - when my dad was sick, i would imagine that he would come to my house one day, totally lucid - miraculously cured and embarrased about some of the ridiculous things he used to do. I know exactly what you mean - its the whole "if i could just have one day" scenario.

I am very lucky, my Dad was a wonderful, kind and loving GENTLEman, with the patience of a saint on valium. He adored me, and i was daddies little girl. I do have some wonderful memories, like how one day, he wasn't sick then, he was always absent mined (somethign i seem to have inherited) he got into the wrong car, sat down and tried to put the key in the ignition, with the stunned passengers speechless next to him and in the back - we were in the car behind, pissing ourselves - he couldn't speak he was laughing so much. The way he was with DD1, he ARORED her to distraction - he used to drive me nuts actually, always popping round with cakes and sweets as an excuse to kidnap her for the afternoon. He would help anyone out at the drop of a hat - everyone loved him because he was just so lovely and couldn't ever stop talking!!!

My Dad was pretty Cool

shabster - thankyou!! I have often read your posts on other threads. I don't know how you manage, but of course you must - i feel a fraud when you have suffered the greatest loss anyone can suffer. I admire you greatly.

LEM try to hold on to those thoughts and not be robbed of them by the alzhiemers - he sounds truely wonderful

Lucy - Thank you love - but the loss of someone we love (whatever age they are) is devastating. I love reading your memories about your Dad they are just great.

I just had to put one foot in front of the other and for many, many years (and still sometimes now) it was bloody hard work.

xxxxxxxxx

LEM i guess if we knew it was the last day how would we ever get through it.
When we know it's a terminal illness we know it's nearly a last day.
But a last day.... no i don't think i could !

Lily - I used to crave a last day....but after reading your post - you are right - how the hell would we cope with a last day? I would love a proper chance to say 'I love you with all my heart, I am going to miss you but I am going to do the best I can do....we will meet again someday but never, ever forget I love and adore you.'

There is never, ever an easy way through bereavement.

do you know what girls, and this may sound awful and I REALLY don't mean it to but I had 4wks worth of last days with my mum, it was only the last 4 days of it she slipped away into unconsiousness

she didn't want to talk about anything, didn't was to reminiss, didn't want to talk about the future, pass any messages, accept the fact she was going and we were all there, all of us telling her how much she meant to us and talking about all sorts of things

its heartbreaking all ways I think and nothing can take away the gaping hole thats left except time and patience

Shabster I can only echo that LEM said, you are truely inspirational to have come through the cruelest loss twice and still manage to be on here giving out advice and showing compassion for others who have lost loved ones, people like you give me hope