Do you ever wonder if there has just been a terrible mistake?

[LucyEllensmummy]

I lost my lovely Dad three years ago - before he even met my darling DD. I took some primroses up to his grave today, but again, i can't accept this. Its not right - my Dad couldn't be dead, he just couldn't be. He was so ill before he went, he had alzheimers and DAD was gone almost a year before he died. But i can't say when he went - i am not sure of the date he died either. Im questioning whether i am going to wake up and it didn't happen. Its not right, he is supposed to be playing with his second grand daughter, HE should have been making a snow man with her this week - my bloody fingers nearly dropped off in the cold! He should be taking her to ballet lessons and getting all choked up every time she does something - she scored a goal at football practice yesterday (ok so it was an own goal, but she is only thee!) HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!! I do just feel like there has been a terrible mistake and that he is not dead, just in some sort of limbo - frightened and angry and trying to get back to us - but i can't get a sense of him at the cemetry, sometimes i sense him watching DD, but its so tentative and then it goes in a flash. I can't miss him because i don't think he has gone.

My mum is angry with me for having him buried instead of cremated, i am angry with her for not telling me at the time!

You see, nothing is as it should be - and i don't know how to sort it out. I feel as if i make the right bargains with the right person i can have my dad back, but i can't - can i??

To close the door at 'the end' of the day would be too much that 'ignorance' of a little/lot more helps us get through the 'reality of now'...
As Shabs says there is no easy way , guess we are all still here and as cheesy as it is life goes on.

Thank you Dizzy xxxxxx

I asked my DH about this thread. He has sadly lost both parents over the last few years. He said 'when I knew what had happened it broke my heart in two. I still cant believe I wont see them again, in this life. But when I sat down and thought about it properly I realised they had both had long lives and raised 7 children. I also realised that unlike my sons - my Mum and Dad were not my responsibility, it was not my fault that they had died, it was a heartbreaking time but it was the natural way - it was the norm - parents to go before their children.'

Even though neither of our sons deaths where DH's fault in any way I was saddened to hear him think that it was. Our minds are very powerful things. DH also said that he thinks of his Mum and Dad every day but he thinks of our sons every single minute of every hour of every day.

BUT to loose someone you truly love, no matter what age, is so hard to 'get over'. Grief and bereavement are so difficult. I think we just have to try to be the best we can be, to be kind, compassionate human beings in 'honour and respect' for our lost loved ones xxxxx

oh Shabster how awful for him, what an awful lot of grief he's had to deal with - too much for any one person in a lifetime

my dad has prostate cancer and I know we're got a limited amount of time with him too but still I find it best just to carry on as normal

I agree completely with your DH's sentiments re the natural order of life thought. My Great Uncle has had to bury his wife, two of his 3 sons and now his beloved neice, my mum. He's a fantastic man with boundless engery and zest for life but there are somethings you just shouldn't have to do

LEM your message made me feel so sad. I lost my brother last year - he was only 34, I've talked about it on other threads. It doesn't make sense to me either. I keep thinking it's not right, why did it happened. I don't believe in a god so I don't have that to direct my anger at (although I do get very angry when people tell me crap like 'the good die young' and the 'he's gone to a better place' bollocks (sorry if that offends anyone but it's bollocks to me). I watched Slumdog Millionaire the other day and he would have LOVED it, and I found myself being angry with the film's distributors that they hadn't released it last year when he was still alive and could have seen it!

It sounds as though your dad at the end wasn't your dad though. That must have been heartbreaking to see.

PS on the cremation/burial thing, I wonder if it might help to think of him as still being there in some way as he was buried. Just in terms of the whole circle of life, his body becoming part of the earth and the trees and the plants. I know I think of my brother's burial that way and I find it very comforting.