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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

how do i get through xmas?

35 replies

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 20:22

my husband died 2 months ago, i have three smallchildren and one on the way, and i have absolutely no idea how to get through xmas. this is made a million times worse by the fact that the inlaws are coming and they seem to be being all jolly and excited about it. has anyone got any words of advice?

OP posts:

SmilePlease · 19/12/2008 20:31

If you feel you have to be alone this christmas to grieve some more with your children, i am sure your inlaws will understand.

Perhaps arrange for them to come on new years or another date.

If you want them there just have a word beforehand saying that you don't want christmas to be full of fake smiles and give your reasons.

I hope you have a wonderful xmas with all my sympathy to you and your family. xx

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 20:50

bunp

OP posts:

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 20:58

problem is - children don't want to grieve right now either - they are just excited about santa, presents and chocolate!
and inlaws don't appear to understand - they gave me their xmas lists a few weeks ago, and were cross with me when i tried to explain that i didn't have a xmas list as i really didnt want any presents!

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 19/12/2008 21:03

Message withdrawn

dancerandprancer · 19/12/2008 21:04

Very sorry to hear about you loss. Bit confused. Was your husband not their son. If so why are they not more understanding.

ninah · 19/12/2008 21:05

don't see why your inlaws are so buoyant, in denial? I remember when my mother died my family over-emphasised Christmas ritual to a ghasly degree, did my head in. People cope differently I suppose. Really feel for you. Any of his family you can talk to, sister, anyone?

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 21:05

thank you for hugs - i feel like the only person in the world who isn't happy it's xmas

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HuwEdwards · 19/12/2008 21:06

Yorkie is far wiser than me on these matters, but I think yes, your inlaws are trying so hard to help and make Christmas what the children might want, despite the loss you all feel.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

DoubleBluff · 19/12/2008 21:06

maybe they are trying their best thinking that is what you and your dc's want? or need.
Sorry to hear fo your loss.

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 21:10

yes he was their son, dancerandprancer and i've no idea why they're not more understanding - i can' really understand what's going on with them. and he was an only child, ninah, so no one to try and mediate (if that's the right word)

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 19/12/2008 21:10

Message withdrawn

DoubleBluff · 19/12/2008 21:13

Blond they must be dreading this Xmas as much as you.
Sounds like they are trying to put on a brave facce - maybe for the sake of your DC's?

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 21:15

had a quick look at website yorkiegirl - what services have you used? have you met up with anyone? potentially might be very good for kids as dd has already told me that's it not fair that i still have a daddy - so some peer support might be really good

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 19/12/2008 21:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 19/12/2008 21:18

ok, i'll try that then, yorkie, thanks

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GColdtimer · 19/12/2008 21:25

hi there, I couldn't really read and not post, even though i haven't really got anythng constructive to say. I am sure your in-laws are just trying to make it all right for the children and perhaps they are in denial?

My bf lost her DH just over a year ago and she can't even really remember last christmas - I think she was still in her shock bubble tbh.

She is a member of WAY and finds it really helpful. She used the forums and has been to a couple of meet ups. Talking to other people who have experienced the same thing has been really good for her I think.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the next week goes as well for you as it possibly could.

ninah · 19/12/2008 21:27

Yes, I am so sorry too. Can't imagine. Could you try and talk to his mother one to one, also? it would be so much better if you had some support over Xmas.

nikos · 19/12/2008 21:38

I think I would be quite angry. You're recently bereaved with small children and presumably heavily pregnant and they are expecting you to host Christmas. Why dont they host it?
I would at least tell them you are finding it difficult (which I'msure is an understatement) and give them a list of practical things they can do to help. If I was in your shoes I'd be a sobbing mess. Why are they expecting this of you.

onlyjoking9329 · 19/12/2008 21:49

So very sorry to hear that your husband died and so very recently too.
i think for you christmas this yesr is to be got throu however you can manage it, do whatever you can face, people will have to understand that your life has been turned upside down and will be forever different now.
Do join WAY when you feel up to it, yorkiegirl is right it does help to be around people who understand some of the things you are going throu, it make things that bit easier to have people who understand things without you feeling that you have to protect people.
My husband died from a brain tumour 6 months ago, we have three children, this time of year is exceptionally hard.
me and the kids are going to lanzarote on monday i feel we need to do christmas differently this year.
do keep posting and if you want to talk more you are welcome to contact me off list.

retiredgoth2 · 19/12/2008 21:52

I had a similar christmas two years ago...

(Mrs Goth died Nov 20 2006. My urchins were 9, 7, 5 and 5 at the time)

...it was surprisingly bearable at the time, though I am glad we don't have to repeat it.

We went to my sister's house for it that year, which we had not done before and will not do again. It was just a thing we had to do to get us through that year, since then we are consciously trying to build our own 'new normal'.

..thing will be different for you as you are host. I would have found this difficult, but then I would find it difficult whether bereaved or otherwise!

Advice? Well, for what use it is I would say just do whatever you can to get through this year as unscathed as is possible. Give yourself some slack, even if you feel others are not doing so. Remember that however it seems most people are trying to help and be kind (even if you wish they would bloody well stop it) and try and let things that irritate drift past.

...in summary, remember that this year's Christmas is an excercise in survival. You can do it. I have faith.

this site may help. It did help me for sure.

Good luck and best wishes.

EvenstarofWonder · 19/12/2008 23:55

So sorry for your loss.My DH died in June so first Christmas for us too. My feeling is that I have changed routines a little, we have a smaller tree and I am planning things to do like quiz games etc to try and occupy the time on the day itself.
My mother and stepfather are joining us and they have both been widowed themselves and are very supportive. No ideas for you with in laws, but my feeling is that the only expectation is that I have to get through this one, if it is not great then so be it. My children are also excited about Christmas despite everything, which is hard. Hope as you are pregnant that the in laws are not expecting you to do all the work. We can all get through this. Take care and feel free to CAT me if you would like to chat

pinkfrogsroastingonanopenfire · 20/12/2008 02:18

Oh sweetheart. I have experiences of the loss of two of my four sons. Christmas, for many, many years, meant nothing to me. I went through the motions and it passed. This year - 26 years and 16yrs after my sons died we were very fortunate to welcome our first grandchild into the family. Lewis has brought new life into our existance.

You will feel weird....that is normal. Your in laws being all hyper is, I am very sure, a mask of their true feelings. They are childless......just those two......not knowing what to say or do....just like you are feeling.

I don't know the right words that will help or even mean anything. All I can say is that think of Christmas as another day. Your children will crave normality...you just need your DH there to have a cuddle with, to help you with the dinner, to help with the washing up....to keep everyone else entertained while you have 5 minutes peace.

Although, physically, he is not there he will be around you and with you. Talk to him on the day, just say 'please help me this is too hard.' This is the FIRST Christmas that you have been apart....and the first of anything is so hard.

May I wish you peace, harmony and much love at this difficult time of the year. Sending my love and thoughts. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

loobeylou · 22/12/2008 13:30

i think it sounds like the ILs are hoping to mask their pain by being with their sons family, his children will be reminders to them that life goes on. I do not mean that to sound trite, i have lost a child and i know how hard it is when the world and his wife expect you to get over it. all the "firsts" are hard, first xmas, first anniversary etc.

i too think you should try to spend a little time alone, talking to Dh or remembering the good times. There will be other good times, your family will learn to enjoy life and christmas, so do not expect too much of yourself this yr, and I am sure if you have to leave the room and shed a few tears everyone will be there for you, either holding you if that is what you need or minding the Dcs for you so you can be alone

remember the fun things DH enjoyed doing, keep HIS fave traditions going so the DC remember.DH would be so proud of you.

sending you hugs

melissa75 · 22/12/2008 17:36

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 4 years ago when I was pregnant with twins, so in many ways I understand what your saying. It sounds like your in laws are trying to mask their pain by throwing themselves into christmas, to keep themselves busy, which may work for them, but if it does not work for you, then you must not feel guilty for not feeling the same way. It is important that you do what is best for you, and your children and everyone around you will understand that your just doing the best you can under the circumstances.
Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Original poster

shouldhavebeenblonde · 23/12/2008 19:44

thank you for all those lovely kind thoughts and words.
is it important to mark dh's passing on the day (thereby upsetting everyone) eg. lighting candles or saying something, or is it better to just grit my teeth and get on with surviving the day (and just, as pinkfrog and loobey say, have a quiet moment to myself)?

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