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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

How can I help my friend whose 8 year old daughter is about to die?

34 replies

MrsMom · 03/12/2008 00:53

The daughter of my really close friend was brain damaged on sunday follwing huge problems braething. The hospital has said she may die tonight or tomorrow. The girl is my daughters 'best friend'. WHAT CAN I DO?? I feel so helpless. Antone got any advice??

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Original poster
MrsMom · 03/12/2008 00:54

Sorry about all the typing errors.

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thumbElf · 03/12/2008 00:56

Oh I wish I did, but the only thing I can say is just be there for them (your friend and your daughter) and let them be how they need to be. So sad.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 03/12/2008 00:56

All I can recommend is just be there for her as a shoulder to cry on. There is nothing really more you can do

Im so sorry for you and your friend.

Original poster
MrsMom · 03/12/2008 00:58

Thanks. it hurts so much

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thumbElf · 03/12/2008 00:59

of course - and remember to take time for yourself to grieve too, it's going to affect you all.

Original poster
MrsMom · 03/12/2008 01:03

I just wish there was something I could do.

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travellingwilbury · 03/12/2008 11:08

HI Mrsmom how you doing this morning ?

I am so sorry to hear about your friends daughter . As the others have said all you can do is be there for your friend and of course for your daughter , how is she doing ?

georgiemum · 03/12/2008 11:11

Try to make sure that she eats and has clean clothes. She will not be thinking about herself at all. If you can help with the other kids, take the dog for a walk, make a meal... that will take the pressure off. Be there for her - if she wants to cry, yell or say nothing at all. If she has a priest/vicar get onto them to make sure they know what is happening. Ask your friend if she wants you to contact friends and family to keep them up to date as I am sure she won't be able to face the millions of calls from people being kind.

You must be in bit too, but you have to be strong for her as this has to be the worst thing a mother can ever go through.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Notquitegrownup · 03/12/2008 11:11

How awful for you and for them too

On a practical level, you might want to be ready to recommend a website like this bereavement advice and support which has some useful recommended readings for funerals etc. Just when your friend is at her lowest, she will have a lot of decisions to make, and this site (along with Mumsnetters) offers some practical support. It also has a section on how to help children cope with bereavement, as your daughter will no doubt need a lot of support, too.

You could also order the book "What to do when someone dies" by Paul Harris. It is a Which Guide, which takes you through the formalities of registering deaths, organising funerals, probate etc. It is aimed more at dealing with adult deaths, but can be helpful for someone to refer to, as a guide to what has to be done. I ordered a copy, when a friend was suddenly bereaved, and said that it was the best thing she was given at the time.

Thinking of you and your friend at this very sad time.

thumbElf · 04/12/2008 01:56

How are you, MrsMom? More to the point, I suppose, how is your friend's daughter/ daughter's friend?

Thoughts and prayers for you.

jingleMAMADIVAsbells · 04/12/2008 02:02

Oh goodness this is awful

My thoughts are with all of those affected by this horrible tragedy.

I really dont know what to say except that as many others have said just be there for your friend and your daughter but please please dont forget you need some time and someone to support you too. It is so easy to take on the role of 'the strong one' but you cant be like that all the time it only grinds you down be there as much as you can and when you need to take some time out for you to talk to.

I hope that doesnt sound too harsh and selfish but I'm sure you know what I mean.

I hope that somehow you are all coping with this and how is your friend/DD/friends DD/and yourself?

everlong · 04/12/2008 03:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 04/12/2008 05:34

God how awful. No advice to add - but feel so so sorry for all of you.

Original poster
MrsMom · 06/12/2008 13:49

Thank you so much everyone for all yo advice. The little girl died on wednesday afternoon. It has been living hell since then - and will be for a long time to come. My current burning question is - her parents are going to have her cremated and I don't know how to explain that to my 8 year old. It is so scary. Does anyone know what words I can use? Thanks

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TheButterflyEffect · 06/12/2008 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 06/12/2008 13:58

Oh God . Who knows what you can do. How absolutely terrible.

Just be there in case they need something - anything - could be emotional support but likely to be practical, material things that people cannot do when they are grief-stricken.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 06/12/2008 14:01

Is there any news?

Remember you can't do a thing that will make her feel better. Just be there. Don't avoid her (plenty will). Go out of your way to talk to her. Practical stuff(if that's your thing) like dropping round some meals that can just be heated up will help as well. Stuff that she can put in the freezer if she doesn't want it now.

All that whether she's still poorly or whether she died

Sidge · 06/12/2008 14:25

I'm so sorry that she died

Regarding the cremation, you may want to explain it in terms of when some people die they are buried in the ground, but some people don't want their loved one put in the ground and so they are cremated. This is when the body of the person that has died is burned in a special place called a crematorium. It means there is no body left to bury in the ground but there are ashes, like after a fire in a fireplace. You may want to explain (depending on your child) why some people choose cremation.

This website is great - Winston's Wish

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 06/12/2008 14:26

Very sorry for your loss

When my grandad died, I'd assumed he was going to be buried as I didn't know much about cremation. I found out this wasn't the case the day before the funeral and it came as quite a shock to me even though I was as old as 16 and we weren't very close.
My sister explained to me that the soul had already left the body and will live on though everyone who remembers him so I've always thought of it like that ever since and it's really helped.

As for everything else: the only thing I can suggest not to do is to attempt to rationalise any of it for them at this stage. Even those who believe that "the universe is unfolding as it should" would have a tough time believing that there's any rhyme or reason behind this one.
I'm not for one moment suggesting that you would as I don't know you, just that there's nothing worse than someone trying to "problem solve" another's grief if you see what I mean.

Going to be quiet now before I end up with my foot in my mouth! but just be there for them and don't forget to take care of you too.

Love and light to you all xxx

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 06/12/2008 14:31

Oh and: think about how you will be there for them after the funeral as well - again, not suggesting you wouldn't be, but many see the funeral as an "end" and tend to wander off afterwards because they don't know what else to do, whereas, for the bereaved, it's more like the beginning of facing life without their loved one.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 06/12/2008 14:36

Oh I'm sorry I missed the update.

mankymummy · 06/12/2008 14:46

i'm so sorry for your friends loss.

re. explaining cremation to your DC... I dont know if this will help, its how I explained it to my friends DC's after she died...

We had attended a chinese new year where they light paper lanterns and let them burn and float into the sky that year and i said that mummy wasnt actually in her body anymore, that it was a bit like when they put on a dressing up costume, once they took it off and went off somewhere else it didnt really matter what happened to the costume as they wouldnt be hurt if anything happened to it. It was like this for mummy, she had left her body and so it was OK for it to be burnt. Then I said about the lanterns and said how beautiful they looked when they burnt and floated up to the sky.

I was going to add that it floated up to heaven where mummy was but my friend was an atheist so it didnt seem right.

After the funeral we got some lanterns and lit them and watched them float into the sky to send as a present to mummy so she knew they were thinking of her.

Not sure if that helps...

Original poster
MrsMom · 06/12/2008 15:19

That's all very helpful. Thanks. In anticiaption of cremation discussion I have started talking about how Katie is no longer in her body 'but all around us'(???). I still think the image of burning her body is horrid. The lantern idea is good. We are just out to buy helium balloons and attach messages and let them go. That might help? As far as the parents are concerned it does seem to be practical things and lots of hugs at the moment. There is nothing I can say. Does anyone know a poem that says something about 'pass me your sorry, and I will hold it a while for you ...'??? We live just around the corner so I can always be on hand and always will be.
This is such a grim time - I am finding all your support helpful - thanks!

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Original poster
MrsMom · 06/12/2008 15:19

Should have said 'pass me your sorrow'

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Notquitegrownup · 06/12/2008 15:32

That's beautiful Mankymummy.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's daughter MrsMom.