How can I help my friend whose 8 year old daughter is about to die?

[MrsMom]

The daughter of my really close friend was brain damaged on sunday follwing huge problems braething. The hospital has said she may die tonight or tomorrow. The girl is my daughters 'best friend'. WHAT CAN I DO?? I feel so helpless. Antone got any advice??

Thinking of your friend and also you and your DD, so sorry for your loss.

I know the poem you mean MrsMom if I come across it I will send you a link, my cousin lost her son in February and I sent her this poem that she found a comfort. It basically says that the length of someone's life is not what counts, it is by Ben Jonson and is called Proportion, perhaps you could share it with your friend when she is ready:

It is not growing like a tree
In bulk doth make Man better be;
Or standing long as oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:

A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night?
It was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures life may perfect be.

I lost my DH in June, and my youngest was very comforted in the immediate aftermath by a special cuddly called a Shining Star that came with a certificate to name a star. We bought it at Woolworths, but I haven't seen them there again. When your daughter is ready, a memory box might prove a comfort, she will never forget her friend, but when people are first bereaved they often fear that.

I understand how you feel about burning being awful. Personally, I felt that about my friend, it seemed too final.

But to be honest, the kids didnt have that terror of it, to them fire was beautiful and warm and relaxing. And they knew their mum wasnt really there if you know what i mean.

Please dont worry too much, after my beautiful friends funeral (which the children attended), they played with the other children as if nothing had happened. Of course there have been problems since and they miss her but children really are so resilient.

I'm back again. Things have been so bleak. My friend is being brilliant but is completely changed. She is all over the place, forgets things, repeats herself again and again etc. Her DH is even worse. It is also really hard to know how her DS (aged 6) is doing. It is so hard for him. My daughter (her 'best friend' - 8) seems to get sadder as time goes on. She misses her so much - they were like sisters. I feel so low all the time and so exhausted. And so poorly equipped to deal with something this big. I can, at least do loads of things for my friend (food, shopping, feeding her son etc) so at least that gives me a focus. Has anyone been in this situation - or got some advice for me on how to help my own children, my friend, her son etc.

So sorry MrsM, sounds like you too need some support. It is quite harrowing supporting your friend and also your daughter in their grief. You need to give yourself some grieving time too, perhaps.

I'm sure someone will be along with some useful advice, but in the meantime...take care of yourself too.

Thanks! I feel like I am having to support so many people and I feel exhausted.

This IS a tough one. The time later is also important. Friends of ours whose DD died unexpectedly and very young were most open in talking about her. Take your cue from them.

If your DCs are the age of your friends' child, don't hold back at times of celebration from notions of "reminding" them. Every breath they take will remind them. Live your life with joy and include them.

I have heard of bereaved parents being kept out of the mix of kids' birthdays, etc. because of a mistaken sense of suitability - include them and let them make their choice.

Unless they absolutely forbid mention of the child, assume they want to talk - most people do, and so many are denied this.

I am so sorry to read about your friends loss and how hard things are for everyone at the moment. You sound like a fantastic friend. At the moment all you can do is be there for friend like you are, and do practical things because with grief and loss you literally cant think its so overwhelming. The following two things I think I first saw here on mumsnet, they seemed to sum up so perfectly the feelings of loss. I hope they bring you a small amount of comfort, I found them very reassuring at a time when I really did feel I couldnt pick myself up off th floor.

Many religions believed that after losing someone you gave forty days to deep, dark mourning and could literally drown in your loss. After the forty days you had to turn your obligations towards life and the living, and whilst never forgetting the person who had died, you had to, for their sakes and for the sake of those around you, pick up real life again and "walk with the living".

grief is like a thick grey blanket which is thrown over the bereft. Friends and family and time all lift up the blanket with their love and support, centimetre by centrimetre, until one realises that one can see again, rather than being blinded by sadness.

Helen - those two messages were posted for me and they became my mantras. the first one was written by PPH, but I am sorry to say I cannot remember who wrote the second.

Sorry - posted too soon.
To the OP. I have lost a child. We are all different but from my personal experience I would second what has already been said. Practical day to day help (one mumsnetter actually came over and cleaned out my heaving fridge because I could not face it). Cooking, cleaning, looking after the house and other children - all this still goes on and if you can help in any way- by turning up rather than phoning, in my case - you are really being there for the person.

I am so very sorry.