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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

nephew died at birth and I'm so sad

26 replies

littleyellowbird · 26/09/2008 23:32

My sister's son died at birth a couple of weeks ago. My family got to the hospital quickly and we all had a chance to cuddle and hold him, seems strange in a way but it was so lovely to meet him.

I can't even start to imagine the pain my beautiful sister and her husband are in. I can see that the grandparents are in terrible pain, suffering grief for the baby as well as pain for seeing their own child in such a terrible place and not a thing they can do to stop it.

Luckily my sister and brother-in-law will talk to me about it and I'm hoping that might help them just a little bit as time goes on. They don't want to see anyone and are avoiding most family and friends at the moment, I think it's just too raw.

I feel a fraud to be in such grief myself but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There seems to be babies and pregnant mums everywhere and it makes me cry. I was so excited to be an auntie again and this is so shocking. My son's are upset, lot's of tears - they were excited too. My 7 ds cried again tonight, said it wasn't fair the baby didn't even get to open his eyes to see us and we had so much love waiting for him.

I'm a single mum, working full time from home and I feel very alone these last few days. I have a family and good friends, two lovely kids but I'm just so sad and lonely tonight. I know I have a job to do to look after my sister now, and I do it without a seconds hesitation. I know the pain is a million times worse for them, so it just seems a bit of a cheek to be sitting here crying. But I am so devastated and have so many tears for my nephew, for my sister and for all of us.

Not sure what I'm trying to say really, starting to waffle on! If you got this far, thank you x

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 23:35

So sorry.

Don't know what to say, except that.

Thinking of you, your family and your dear nephew.

Yorkiegirl · 26/09/2008 23:35

Message withdrawn

BreevandercampLGJ · 26/09/2008 23:35

I got to the end, and when I have sorted out the fact that I have filled up on a major scale, I will come back and post sensibly.

MrPinkerton · 26/09/2008 23:35

Your story has made me cry. I'm so sorry.

sending you all good wishes.

Dragonbutter · 26/09/2008 23:36

you are entitled to grieve too.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/09/2008 23:37

LYB - you have just as much right to grieve.

So sorry

bundle · 26/09/2008 23:37

littleyellowbird, I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew's death, what a terrible thing for you and your family to go through

waffle away on here, you need support as well as your sister and the rest of the family. xxx

cornsilk · 26/09/2008 23:37

very sorry little yellow bird

nappyaddict · 26/09/2008 23:38

sorry to hear about your nephew's death - do they know why yet?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/09/2008 23:39

I am so sorry

Please feel free to post on MN, it 's a great place for support

AbstractMouse · 26/09/2008 23:39

Oh god so sorry for your and their loss. I don't think there are any words that make them feel better, just be there.

It's just awful really, you will just have to get through it no matter how.

thumbwitch · 26/09/2008 23:39

LYBird - so for your whole family - lots of hugs to you all. Your 7yo sounds absolutely lovely - such a lovely thing to say.

Please feel free to grieve here as well - the little baby was going to be a part of your family too so it's no wonder you are so upset.

gigglewitch · 26/09/2008 23:39

it must be hard having nowhere that you can grieve properly, but in some ways I think why can't you? You had love for the poor little boy, so have all sorts of feelings both for the baby, your sister, your family, your parents - could go on. I know you are trying to be strong for your sister, but it doesn't mean that you can't share your grief.
your post is so articulate, no way is any of it waffle, i really feel for you. sorry i haven't anything particularly useful to say, just wanted to let you know that you are involved and certainly do have a right to feel so sad - nobody "owns" grief as it were, just feel it in different ways

Aero · 26/09/2008 23:41

How terribly painful for them and also for you and your family. I'm so sorry.

Marina · 26/09/2008 23:45

Of course you loved him, of course you will grieve. And your boys too. I loved my niece long before she was born and if we had lost her at birth I'd be devastated too.
I am sure your sister and her dh have been referred to SANDS but you should know that as a bereaved aunt you can call on their support and advice services too.
Do keep posting on Mn, you will get a lot of help and support for you, and your sister as well XXX

BreevandercampLGJ · 26/09/2008 23:46

Your DSis and her DH were waiting to welcome their baby.

And as for everyone down from them. You have all for the want of a few better words, lost out on future relationships.

Your grief possibly feels magnified because you have no one to vent to in the evening,but it does not make it any less real.

Take care of yourself and take love and cherish your sister.

BreevandercampLGJ · 26/09/2008 23:48

Marina

You said it so much more eloquently. I just wish you weren't in a position to.

liahgen · 26/09/2008 23:49

I am so sorry for your loss yellowbird.

this happened to me last year.

My young niece, (20 then) gave birth to a beautiful little lady, tragically sleeping.

I was with her at the birth as was her dp, and her mum (she's not close to my sister, her mum).

I agree with you when you say it was lovely to meet him, I feel that way too, we all got to spend as much time with baby C as we wanted, even my teenage dd who's very close to my niece.

It will be a very long journey for the whole family, has your sister been shown the way to

SANDS, they are a great support, and for you too, I am a member, there's a section for family members.

Of course it's not the same as it is for your nephew's mummy and daddy, but you knew him too, and loved him so naturally you will grieve. Please allow yourself this.

I still get upset about our gorgeous little lady when I think of her, it's a waste, but i've told my kids that she's an angel looking down on us, and they are all very open about talking bout her. I'm sure that in time this will be the case for your family too.

Be gentle with yourself, i'm sure you are a great comfort to your sister and her dh.

RIP little man. x

liahgen · 26/09/2008 23:54

just a thought.

Did your dd meet him? My dd did, and she has been affected by it more than we have realised,

Often around the house, and on C's website, i find random messages to her saying how much she misses her, and tells her that we will be visiting (her garden/resting place).

Include any children in the grievin too, they do it differently to us sometimes i think.

babybuttercup · 26/09/2008 23:54

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts even when we are just the Auntie

NotDoingTheHousework · 26/09/2008 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

littleyellowbird · 27/09/2008 00:31

I wasn't expecting so many replies, I was just writing into space to get it off my chest - thank you x

It seems there was a problem with the placenta, my nephew died during the labour and my poor little sister had to give birth knowing he had just gone. Everyone at the hospital were simply wonderful, doctors and midwives were so gentle, caring and calm - smoothed a terrible day.

My sister and BIL buried their son by themselves, they very much wanted to be alone, no family, no vicar. BIL and his dad dug the grave themselves the day before and my nephew is buried amongst family graves from down the centuries, including too many children. Too sad but such a very personal way to do it.

I've put my sister in touch with sands and she is already finding it useful, I'm a great believer in someone who has been there and experienced it being a real comfort at times like these.

I know what you are saying about my right to grieve too, and I know it's right, but it just seems utterley pointless next to what my sister and BIL are having to grieve for.

Feel better already tonight for 'talking' about it!

My heart goes out to all you who have lost someone special too and took the time to post x thank you x

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/09/2008 01:13

so sorry lyb. i hope you and your family find a way to come to terms with this terrible loss. dont feel bad for greiving you have all lost a darling little baby boy

lottiejenkins · 28/09/2008 17:42

We have a thread in this topic for people to chat who have lost a baby or someones child who they were close to.......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/604158
Do come and chat to us on there!

shabster · 28/09/2008 18:39

So very, very sorry for your sad loss. I, unfortunatly have experience of how this feels. My heart goes out to you and all your family.

Can I please second Lotties post about the thread where you will find someone who knows exactly your feelings....we are a bunch of bereaved mums who are at all different stages in our grief.

When the thread first started it was littered with emoticons but we are all helping each other walk this crappy path and learning so much from each other.

If you feel it would help come and have a chat xxx

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