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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

is it just me or is it the little things?

26 replies

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 22:40

my mum finally lost her battle to cancer 6wks ago, a week before dd3 was born

she had been ill for 6yrs and it was a release for her to go, doesn't stop me being selfish and missing her though

now, am doing ok, the new baby and my other two girls are keeping me busy but its the really little things that get me

for example

why am I so reluctant to take her mobile number off my phone or remove her as a contact on my MSN messanger when seeing her details there upsets me?

am being daft now

OP posts:

Habbibu · 02/09/2008 22:42

Oh, so so sorry, dizzy. And Lord knows it's not selfish to miss your mum, especially when you have a new baby. I don't think you're being daft at all - it's little things which acts as reminders of "normal" life, I guess, and that's why it hurts so much to be not normal. Thinking of you.

policywonk · 02/09/2008 22:45

Oh dizzy, I'm sorry.

I lost my mother in very similar circumstances three months ago, and I know exactly what you mean. My parents' number is listed under 'mam and dad' in my phone, and every time I see it it hurts, but I can't bear to change it. I've been wearing some of her clothes, and they're getting a bit stinky now, but I don't want to wash them because they smell of her and they've still got her tissues in the pockets.

It's completely shitty isn't it?

Tommy · 02/09/2008 22:45

6 weeks is hardly any time at all. Don't change anything until you feel comfortable about it. It is always the little things that get you as you are prepared for the big things (like birthdays and Christmas)but the little ones creep up on you when you least expect them.

My MIL once broke down in Tescos after she realised she didn't have to buy any of her Mum's favourite puddings anymore

I'm so sorry about your Mum - treat yourself very gently

Original poster

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 22:48

thank you Habbibu, am just sometimes caught offguard iykwim?

policy - am so sorry about your mum too
we haven't dealt with my mums stuff, everything happened so quickly with the baby being born straight after the funeral and I live 100 miles away from my parents

my dad wants me to help with it all, which is fair enough as its a big job, but am not up to going through with the wee ones to do it all

I think it'll be her perfume and the smell of her lipstick that'll get me most, she always ALWAYS had lipstick on her teeth

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 02/09/2008 22:48

So sorry to hear this, Dizzy. And Policywonk

Agree about not changing things until you feel ready to do it

Hope you both have people around supporting you

TequilaMockinBird · 02/09/2008 22:48

So sorry dizzy.

It's not daft to still have her mobile number, my dad died 5 years ago now and I still have his mobile number in my phone.

Every time I'm scrolling down looking for somebody and pass it, it hurts but I couldnt delete it, I still dont feel ready.

Just do things in your own time, as others have said, 6 weeks is hardly any time at all.

I know it doesnt seem like it at the minute but it does get better.

Thinking of you xx

Original poster

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 22:49

thanks Tommy - I had a wobble a few times when I've automatically gone to lift the phone to call her and tell her something - I know my dad is at the other end of the line but its just trying to remember that she isn't

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Tommy · 02/09/2008 23:00

thinking of you

Original poster

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 23:07

thank you

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drivinmecrazy · 02/09/2008 23:12

I too lost my Dad recently after 4 1/2 year battle with cancer. When ever i am feeling stronger, my 7 yo DD1 says something that knocks me back. today was her first day back at school, and she came out really tired and emotional. When we got home i asked her what was wrong and she told me she saw a flash of light out of the corner of her eye this morning and knew it was her grandpa 'winking at her'. Then she completely broke down and asked 'why did he have to die before he was ready?'
it is soo hard dealing with her emotions when i have enough trouble dealing with my own. But she was as close to him as i was so I feel quite comforted we can share the grief. Sometimes it's as if she is the only one who understands how i feel, how sad is that

Original poster

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 23:19

but its lovely that she feels he is near her, which I truely hope he is

dd1 has only just turned 5 and doesn't really understand - has been told by my aunt Granny is an angel in heaven but she thinks that when its raining its Granny doing it as she's sad looking down from the clouds - what do you say to that?

its only the girls that keep me going at the moment as, and its terrible to admit it, my father is driving me up the wall

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Evenstar · 02/09/2008 23:24

So sorry for your loss dizzydixies, I lost my DH in June and I still have his voice on the answerphone, I don't want to change it. I haven't felt able to change my profile here or mine or his Facebook and Friends Reunited, I will do it when I am ready. It is the little things, I have put some of DH's things in a box on top of the wardrobe because it was too hard to see them every day but I didn't want to part with them. I cried in the shower one morning because I used some shower gel from the hotel where we had a lovely weekend together in May. Take your time with everything, there is no roadmap or timetable for this journey. Wishing you strength.

MrsBates · 02/09/2008 23:25

Likewise - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers and recurring cancer the week my first baby was born. She died when my second was four months old - two and a half years ago and the number is still in my phone. I disconnected the number myself but think I like to see the name MUM in my phone. My children now have no grandparents left but they are showing a few family traits as time goes on - in looks, expressions and character. The relationship doesn't end because the person is gone.

drivinmecrazy · 02/09/2008 23:30

Mrsbates, it si so true about family traits. My DD2 has just turned 3 and has started talking in a northern accent, just like my dad. She's also got his wicked sense of humour, whereas DD1 is totally the serious intellectual side of him. They used to spend endless hours discussing the sciences and nature, quite deep for a 7 yo. She wants to know who will answer her questions now, because to her he knew everything.
I feel quite sad because my FIL died in April and they really weren't that close to him, and almost wince when my DD talks to MIL about how much she misses my Dad.

sfxmum · 02/09/2008 23:36

dizzydixies I am sorry for your loss

I lost my mother to cancer 24yrs ago, still there are little things that mark the grieving and things over the years that bring quite unexpected memories

the music she loved and was of great solace in her last days, I found unbearable to listen to for years

these days it is quite comforting and a nice link to the past

and so many more things like that over the years
it hurts so much at first that awful physical pain, please grieve when and how you have to

take care
x

Original poster

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 23:37

this is another thing I'm ashamed to be angry about. My lovely parents adopted me so my girls won't technically inherit any family characteristrics from my side further down the line than me

those will belong to the strangers who gave me away or my in laws, not my mum

my dc didn't spend enough time with her when she was alive to inherit any of her traits

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Habbibu · 03/09/2008 19:47

Dizzy, they'll inherit what matters through you - the way your mum looked after you, her pet phrases, her way of telling you off, her family stories, nice things she did when you were sick. you'll pass all these on to your girls, and they will pass them on to their children. These are the things that matter, not eye colour, or a certain shape of nose.

LuLuMacGloo · 03/09/2008 19:54

Dizzy - sp. so sorry for your loss.

But totally agree with Habbibu - it's not just the genetics which your children inherit which are passed on. It's everything Harribu says - expressions, mannerisms, attitudes - whether they picked them up directly from your mum or via you from her.

Original poster

dizzydixies · 03/09/2008 22:09

thank you ladies, I know its completely irrational

I've never been bothered about not looking like my family etc but now that mum is away it suddenly seemed more important for the girls to have a connection to her

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metmoo · 04/09/2008 21:28

really sorry about your mum its nice to know you still have her number on your phone, my dad died after a fire last year and i was desperately ringing his mobile as i was living 90 miles away and couldnt be there,still got his number stored on my phone, it feels like a link to him if you knowhow i mean, its one thing i can't part with my sympath and best wishes go out to all of you who have been bereaved it gets easier but never goes away love to allxxx

Original poster

dizzydixies · 05/09/2008 10:45

glad to know its not just me, am only grateful their house phone has the 1571 message and not her voice saying they're not in

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Original poster

dizzydixies · 06/09/2008 20:54

so I got my 'organised mum' calander and diary - was pathetically excited - and set about filling it all out, convinced it will turn our lives around and make us more in control of our perpetually chaotic lives

filled in mum's birthday etc all without thinking

mother's day. their anniversary everything without even realising - I KNOW the dates remain the same but it didn't occur to me that she won't be here to celebrate them

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policywonk · 06/09/2008 20:56

I'm dreading Mothers Day, mam's birthday, Christmas... horrible. But as someone else has said, maybe these days won't be so bad because you're anticipating them. It's probably the things that take you by surprise that are more irrationally upsetting. I was on holiday in Wales a couple of weeks ago, and realised one day when we were driving somewhere that we were very close to a place where I had been on holiday with my parents when I was younger. That made my cry (much to the confusion of my poor kids!)

Original poster

dizzydixies · 06/09/2008 20:59

oh no what a shame. dd1 turned round to me out of the blue the other morning and said 'I wish granny didn't have to go'

its strange isn't it - there is a garden of rememberence right next to her school for a 15yr old girl who was murdered and I explained that it was a garden for a girl who is now dead - she walks past it everyday and wants to know where grannys garden is = am wondering if I should take her to the grave once its got its headstone but just call it a garden?

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Original poster

dizzydixies · 08/09/2008 21:42

and tonight I heard her voice in the back of a video clip from dd2's birthday in May

totally took the feet out from under me, it was only May ffs

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