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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My cousin has had a stillbirth at 27 weeks

63 replies

hoxtonchick · 13/02/2005 21:22

i am so so sad for them. it was their first baby. she developed pre-eclampsia, is in intensive care but the baby died. we don't really know any details, everyone is in shock. i'm going to send a card tomorrow, but am at a loss what to do. we're not particularly close. also, i'm 19 weeks pregnant & neurotic as hell. but feel bad thinking about myself.

OP posts:

vict17 · 15/02/2005 20:17

Hulababy - that is terrible. I can't imagine what she must be going through, and her husband/partner.

Marina · 15/02/2005 20:52

Hula, that is awful, but not uncommon, sadly. I found out Tom was dead early on Thursday morning, he wasn't born until Sunday morning. The first lot of drugs they give don't usually work - not sure why they bother with them frankly. The waiting is obscene - far worse than the actual birth, where going through the process takes your mind off the outcome in a weird sort of way.
You and your poor family members have been much in my mind today. I'm so glad your cousin is out of ICU at least Hoxtonchick - I work with someone all this happened to and his wife's health was permanently damaged . I had no idea how serious it could be until I heard their story. I hope her physical recovery in due course is complete.

Hulababy · 15/02/2005 20:53

Must have been so dreadful for you marina. So sorry to hear about Tom

Original poster

hoxtonchick · 15/02/2005 21:19

that's awful hulababy, poor woman.

sarah is off the critical list now, though i don't know any more. they are going to see the baby for the first time today. dp & i were discussing going to the funeral. as well as practicalities (they live 200 miles away, i really don't want to take ds), i just feel i'd be rubbing their noses in it with my big fat tummy. though i think it would be a supportive thing to do. i know my mum will tell me not to go. what does everyone else think? at the moment we're veering towards not going but writing them a long letter.

OP posts:

kid · 15/02/2005 21:23

I'm really sorry to hear about this HC.
Glad she is amking a recovery but can't begin to imagine what she must be going through. If you can't go to the funeral, a letter would be a good idea. Its often easier to write a letter than to speak face to face.

kid · 15/02/2005 21:24

Just reading some of the other messages on this thread. Sadly it seems that a few people have experienced this and I am very sorry to hear about them all

Hulababy · 15/02/2005 21:29

hc - good to hear your sil is off the critical list. I agree a long, heart felt letter would be a nice idea.

marthamoo · 15/02/2005 21:32

HC, I think it would be perfectly understandable for you not to go. It's 200 miles away, you would have to take ds (and them presumably have the quandary of whether to take him to the funeral or not, I would say he's too young really) and I think you would feel very awkward being pregnant. Not to mention how bloody awful any funeral is - let alone a baby's - and you are bound to be very emotional and find it very hard.

I would write a long letter and explain your reasons for not going - I think they will understand (and probably not have expected you to go, tbh). Are they having flowers? You could send flowers from the three of you, too.

Marina · 17/02/2005 10:27

HC, I think they will understand about the distance and the logistics. FWIW I didn't mind one of my friends being quite heavily pregnant at Tom's funeral, but she only had to waddle round the corner...I am sure they would never, ever think you were "rubbing their noses in it".
If you do send flowers, make sure the florist you use is aware that the funeral is for a tiny baby, and they don't send a standard-sized tribute. In fact, you might check with them if they would prefer flowers at home, for them. We asked for no flowers, simply because there was only room for three rosebuds on Tom's coffin. Their undertaker will be very helpful on this front, SANDS have done loads of good work with the major funeral directors to brief them on sensitive management of babies' funerals. Ours were just outstanding and charged us only a nominal sum for an extra car. Everything else was given free. Sarah and her husband might be as surprised as we were at the little kindnesses extended them at this horrible time, from unexpected quarters.
So glad to hear she is improving.

Original poster

hoxtonchick · 20/12/2006 16:59

i know this an old thread, but just wanted to post a post-script to the story: they had a baby today! a little boy, everyone very excited. so, a happy ending.

OP posts:

PamiNativity · 20/12/2006 17:03

oh how lovely

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 20/12/2006 17:03

wonderful news hox

Original poster

hoxtonchick · 20/12/2006 17:07

i am so pleased. have been mini-cousin shopping already .

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