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Original poster

My cousin has had a stillbirth at 27 weeks

63 replies

hoxtonchick · 13/02/2005 21:22

i am so so sad for them. it was their first baby. she developed pre-eclampsia, is in intensive care but the baby died. we don't really know any details, everyone is in shock. i'm going to send a card tomorrow, but am at a loss what to do. we're not particularly close. also, i'm 19 weeks pregnant & neurotic as hell. but feel bad thinking about myself.

OP posts:
bundle · 13/02/2005 21:40

i don't think it would be bossy. is there another family member you could send the stuff to, so they could leave it with them when they thought appropriate?

Hulababy · 13/02/2005 21:40

Thank you; don't want to hijack. Just feeling very sad about it today. I will get a card tomorrow; should know sex and name by then. Not sure what to write to be honest, but I do know it is important to send the card.

Original poster
hoxtonchick · 13/02/2005 21:41

my other cousin would be a good intermediary i guess

OP posts:
Original poster
hoxtonchick · 13/02/2005 21:41

that's exactly what i was thinking hula (and you are absolutely not hijacking). it's really important to send a card but what on earth can you say?

OP posts:
Hulababy · 13/02/2005 21:42

hc - I don't think it would be bossy. MIl asked me for the contacts earlier (she knows I use MN) and she is going to simply write the name and telephone numbers of SANDs (and similar) on a sheet of paper inside her card.

bundle · 13/02/2005 21:42

i had to send 2 cards recently when friends of my mum & dad died, it took me ages to compose something. and this is even worse

Hulababy · 13/02/2005 21:42

hc - I have no idea right now. I don't know them very well, but have met them a couple of times quite recently. It is their first baby.

JanH · 13/02/2005 21:43

Hoxty, so sad for your cousin, and for hula's grandad's step-grandaughter (if I have that right).

I understand your reluctance to make contact while pregnant, but assume MI is right, and also what Cristina says, that "ignoring" it (in an effort not to be upsetting) is probably worse. So send your card and ask in it if you can help at all. And don't feel bad for thinking about you and your own baby.

womba1 · 13/02/2005 21:50

So sorry to hear of your sad news, hoxtonchck and hulababy. I had a still birth a few years ago and it would have meant so so much for people to acknowledg my ds.Many of the cards i received just purely said 'thinking of you'or 'sorry for your loss'. I would have loved them to actually mention my baby.. his name was James and i always referred to him by name.. but other people didn't feel comfortable with this. Just knowing that you're there and feeling for them will help an awful lot though.

Hausfrau · 13/02/2005 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 13/02/2005 22:04

womba - that was what I have been wonderin too. Should I definietly use the baby's name (we should know it by tomorrow I guess) in the card - it isn't too presumptious of me?

bundle · 13/02/2005 22:09

i think you'd be fine hula, because i think the main "problem" that people have with stillbirth/late miscarriage is that the mother must feel that she's the only one who knew her baby, as a person rather than a "stillbirth". and i'd imagine that using the name (if you're sure of it) would make it a much more personal message.

JanH · 13/02/2005 22:15

Hula, I agree with bundle, if you know the baby's name then do use it in your card.

If you still aren't sure of the name when you write then "your baby" would be good, I think.

Hulababy · 13/02/2005 22:16

We should know very soon, early this week. I will double check with more than one person though first.

bundle · 13/02/2005 22:19

or if you only know the sex, write "baby boy/girl" rather than just baby

whymummy · 13/02/2005 22:25

so sorry about your news hoxtonchick and hulababy
wm xx

Marina · 14/02/2005 21:49

Crumbs, so sorry to hear both your awful pieces of news Hula and Hoxtonchick. SANDS are good...you can contact them on your own behalves and get such kind and good advice for your bereaved relatives and for you.
I am sure both of you will be just the sort of support needed in weeks, months and years to come. PLEASE use their babies' names, on cards and in conversation...it hurt me so badly that my parents would not refer to Tom by name ("your sad loss" FFS). My sister was unavoidably on a working holiday shortly after he was born and she made a giant sculpture on the beach, spelling out his name, and photographed it for us. It was meant to be washed away by the tide...symbolic of life cut short. I love that photo so much.
Do help her with research, Hoxtonchick - there is bound to be stuff she forgets, or cannot face, following up. I had a bereavement midwife who helped me with all of this (with some fab input from dear Bundle ), your cousin might not.
The SANDS/Kohner book, When a Baby Dies, goes into all this helpfully but the case studies, while sensitively written, are obviously very distressing. I found the book helpful in the medium term.
I'm not around this week as it is half-term but I am checking mail regularly so if there is anything at all I can do to help, please CAT me.

Original poster
hoxtonchick · 14/02/2005 22:04

thank you so much marina. i was hoping you would see this thread after your awful experience with Tom. i have seen the book mention in our work library so will take a look later this week.

my cousin is doing better i think, she's out of intensive care at least. no-one is really talking to me about what happened, i think they are trying to protect me, which i understand, but i feel i want to know.

OP posts:
ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill · 14/02/2005 22:06

How very sad hc. So sorry for you and your poor cousin xxx

marthamoo · 14/02/2005 22:12

Hoxtonchick and Hulababy - missed this. I am so sorry. FWIW, I think (HB) you should refer to the baby by name - s/he was a little person, with a name, and I think the parents will appreciate you recognising that. And HC, it doesn't matter if you cry. My best friend had a miscarriage when ds2 was 2 weeks old - it could have been so awkward (for want of a better word). I didn't know what to do or say - and when I went to see her I had to take my baby with me. I cried, she cried, she held ds2 and cried some more - and it was OK. And we are still best friends.

(((hugs))) to both of you xxx

Original poster
hoxtonchick · 15/02/2005 03:12

thanks moo. we won't necessarily see them as they live pretty far from us (in your neck of the woods actually). though of course we will in the future. i am less worried about making a fool of myself after this thread.

part of why i was worried is that i have known people who've had 'early' miscarriages before, but no-one whose baby has died at such a late stage.

this thread has given me such a good insight into how they feel, i am really greatful to you all.

OP posts:
ghosty · 15/02/2005 03:21

Hoxtonchick and Hulababy ... I am so sorry about your sad news .... .
Although not the same situation (but re. what to say and how to react) .... when I had my miscarriage (at 12 weeks so not the same as a still birth admittedly) I phoned my sister to tell her. Although we were already close, it brought us even closer as she cried as much as I did ... I knew that she felt my pain ... and that meant so much to me ...
Cyber hugs to you all ....

Original poster
hoxtonchick · 15/02/2005 03:23

grateful (it is the middle of the night...)

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Hulababy · 15/02/2005 20:02

The poor girl still hasn't given birth. She went in for induction yesterday morning but so far i hasn't worked. She has been sent home to wait a further 24 hours. Must be even worse, if possible - all this delay.

morningpaper · 15/02/2005 20:10

Bloody hell Hula, I can't think of anything worse. I expect she'll still be hoping it was a terrible mistake. Poor woman. xxx