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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Dad died tonight

50 replies

Rachmumoftwo · 31/07/2008 23:39

My dad passed away this evening after a long battle with cancer. I feel so numb. I can't sleep. We go on holiday in 3 hours and have agreed to go for the sake of the children. I will come back for the funeral but don't know when it is yet.

I have been preparing myself for so long, but feel like I'm in shock. I just can't believe this is really it. I don't feel like going on holiday but everyone says we should, and I know they are right.

We aren't telling the children (5 and 6) yet, but will wait until after the holiday. I hope I can keep it together.

OP posts:

Cies · 01/08/2008 20:53

So sorry for your loss .

frumpygrumpyhasPMT · 01/08/2008 20:58

I'm so sorry to hear it

You shouldn't feel you have to hide it from the kids over the holiday. Its not wrong for them to see you upset, it shows them that sad things happen and you can get through together. The holiday might offer you all a chance to be sad and to be happy. Good luck with it. Thinking of you all xxxx.

Hulababy · 01/08/2008 21:00

So sorry

missorinoco · 01/08/2008 21:00

sorry to hear of your loss

thumbwitch · 02/08/2008 00:37

I hope you went on holiday and that you are ok. (((hugs))) for you and your DCs

BetteNoire · 02/08/2008 00:40

So sorry for your loss, rach.

chapstickchick · 02/08/2008 00:45

im truly sorry for you xx

shabster · 02/08/2008 01:27

Rach - Im so sorry for your loss. I dread the day when my parents are not here. I have lost two sons and a few days after my second son died my mum and dad had booked a holiday to Canada.

I insisted they go....they couldnt do anything else here. They went but they cried most of the time. Even when they were with our Canadian family people around them couldnt comprehend why they were crying.

I dont know what the right advice is....your dad would want you to be happy....I know that happy seems a long, way away BUT now life will be different....for a long time you will be sad, angry, reflective, downhearted etc etc...sadly life marches on! Dont know if you ever remember the feeling after you had your babies - looking out of the hospital window and being amazed that the world had carried on turning whilst you brought new life into the world. Thats what a bereavment of a loved one feels like.

I will hold you in my heart and thoughts. Be kind to yourself, and never forget that it wont harm your children if you cry...they will learn a valuable lesson of respect and love for the death of a much loved family member.

frumpygrumpyhasPMT · 02/08/2008 11:29

Shabs, you say I paint pictures with words! Thats a great post my love.

me23 · 02/08/2008 11:45

I'm so sorry for your loss.

MaryAnnSingleton · 02/08/2008 11:50

just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your dad, hope the holiday is ok - how sad for you though

DeeRiguer · 02/08/2008 12:01

sorry for your loss

try to enjoy your holiday and remember the good times

fwiw i would think about telling your children like lilolil was saying ..
might help them and you just being honest and open

wishing you strength, peace x

2shoes · 02/08/2008 12:02

sorry for your loss

Countingthegreyhairs · 02/08/2008 12:10

just seen this and you are probably away on holiday

but just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss

we had 2 yrs advance warning with my father but you do still feel completely shell-shocked when it happens

your dc will probably sense something is wrong - wishing you strength to comfort them and to give yourself some space to get through this awful time ....x

Original poster

Rachmumoftwo · 14/08/2008 10:08

I went on holiday for 1 week, and got flights back for us all before the funeral, which was this Monday. While I was away my Grandad died suddenly, but my Nanna insisted no-one told me until I got back, which was lovely and well-meant of her. But what a shock, and poor her, losing her son and husband so close.

So, I had Dad's funeral Monday and will have Grandads funeral this coming Tuesday. I cry a lot. But I am coping. DH is helping, but at first withdrew to give me space, the last thing I needed but men hey.

The children are fine, had a lovely time, and are unfazed by what has happened. Kids are so cool.

Thank you for all your support so far. I'll probably be back for more.

OP posts:

lilymolly · 14/08/2008 10:16

Oh shit thats such bad luck and very sad.
So sorry.

Your poor gran

How did dads funeral go?

Men are crap at supporting arent they?

Hope you are coping x

Original poster

Rachmumoftwo · 14/08/2008 10:22

Dad's funeral was a bit alternative, and just how he would have wanted. He organised it himself and it was nice to see how well the vicar really knew him.

I think it was harder for my sister, as she wasn't as close to Dad (complicated family stuff- my mum was very bitter about it all for years), so has more regrets. I am reassured by the fact we have had some really good times, and he got to know and love his grandchildren, in some ways making up for his less than perfect fathering.

I left the children at home, and will do again next week.

I still don't really think it has sunk in yet, the downside of being away for a week. But I did manage to enjoy the holiday, and am glad we went.

OP posts:

lilymolly · 14/08/2008 10:27

Glad it went well.

Must be hard for your sister, I am not particularly close to my dad either.

Nice that he got to know your children- how are they taking it?
I would have left my dd at home too.

Glad you enjoyed your holidays under the circumstances x

mumtofour · 14/08/2008 23:20

I am so sorry to read of the death of your dear father. I don't think any amount of time can ever make us accept or prepare for the day a loved one is no longer with us.

Original poster

Rachmumoftwo · 18/08/2008 21:48

It is Grandad's funeral tomorrow and I am dreading it. I thought it would be easier, with him being older and thinking nothing can be as bad as my Dad dying, but I am pretty sure I won't be able to keep it together. It is all too raw, too close together.

I'm so together on the outside but I feel so strained, like I'm slightly detached from everything going on around me. I don't seem to be able to cry when I have the time and space, but am constantly welling up when I need to be OK.

It is so hard right now, I want to keep things normal for the kids, but what is normal? Not me crying all the time I suppose. I don't want to start crying in front of them, I'm so afraid I won't be able to stop. I feel so low. DH is at work so I'm alone with my feelings, which is probably why I am feeling like this right now.

OP posts:

Sexonlegs · 19/08/2008 20:03

Oh my word. I am so so sorry. What an awful time you and your family have been through.

I don't really know what to say, but sending you hugs and warm wishes.

Hope the sun shines tomorrow.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 19/08/2008 20:05

Oh love. I am so sorry.

Original poster

Rachmumoftwo · 19/08/2008 21:21

OMG it was awful. The same church, same vicar, same people, same cars, same crematorium, even the coffins looked the same. It was all so surreal, like a bad dream. Thank God it is over. I thought it would be easier, the second funeral, but it was like the most awful deja vu.

OP posts:

lilyloo · 19/08/2008 21:25

So sorry

AskingforAstrid · 19/08/2008 21:30

Rach it sounds awful

WEll done for getting through it. Tragedies such as your two, close losses make one feel as though you're watching it happen to someone else, maybe on a stage or as you say a dream. I think it's the mind/body's way of helping you cope.

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