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Bereavement

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Original poster

Dad died tonight

50 replies

Rachmumoftwo · 31/07/2008 23:39

My dad passed away this evening after a long battle with cancer. I feel so numb. I can't sleep. We go on holiday in 3 hours and have agreed to go for the sake of the children. I will come back for the funeral but don't know when it is yet.

I have been preparing myself for so long, but feel like I'm in shock. I just can't believe this is really it. I don't feel like going on holiday but everyone says we should, and I know they are right.

We aren't telling the children (5 and 6) yet, but will wait until after the holiday. I hope I can keep it together.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 31/07/2008 23:40

Oh Hell Rach, I'm so sorry for your loss, there are no words to take the pain away.

Beauregard · 31/07/2008 23:41

Oh i am so very sorry

WendyWeber · 31/07/2008 23:41

I'm very sorry for your loss, Rach

Hope you can manage to get some joy out of your holiday - I'm sure your dad would want you to if you can.

Califrau · 31/07/2008 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SorenLorensen · 31/07/2008 23:43

I don't think you are ever prepared Like Wendy, I hope you can manage to enjoy your holiday a little - I wish you strength. Take care x

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 31/07/2008 23:43

Oh darling girl.

Sidge · 31/07/2008 23:44

I'm so sorry you have lost your dad

Original poster
Rachmumoftwo · 31/07/2008 23:44

I just feel so alone. DH is trying to keep things normal but I don't feel normal.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 31/07/2008 23:46

Sorry for your loss.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 31/07/2008 23:46

Oh rach, I am so sorry

ThatBigGermanPrison · 31/07/2008 23:46

No of course you don't feel normal sweetheart, you don't have to either. You are grieving.

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 31/07/2008 23:47

If you don't want to go on holidays, don't.

End of.

Original poster
Rachmumoftwo · 31/07/2008 23:50

I can't do that to the girls, they have been looking forward to it for so long, and we have all had such a hard year. They deserve a holiday, and I have to be somewhere, so it may as well be there. A welcome distraction I hope.

OP posts:
QueenyEisGotTheBall · 31/07/2008 23:53

i am so sorry about your loss i hope the holiday provides you with welcome distraction until you have to come back so sorry again xx
xx ei xx

RuffleTheAnimal · 31/07/2008 23:55

my condolences to you.
my dad had a heart scare recently and it scared the crap out of me.
i am unspeakably sorry for your loss.

Gingerbear · 31/07/2008 23:55

Oh Rach, I know exactly how you are feeling, so so sorry.
Cancer is such a cruel, horrible disease. Don't go - you can cancel and go another time, when you feel more able to cope.

lilolilmanchester · 31/07/2008 23:57

So sorry to hear this Rach. Re the holiday: do what is right for you & your family. Don't feel guilty if you want to go, the break might give you the strength to deal with your grief and the inevitable stuff that you will have to deal with later. But equally, don't go if you feel you really don't want to.
I can see why you might wait til after the holiday to tell your DCs. But do consider telling them sooner rather than later. The holiday might distract them and allow them to grieve alongside fun things, and also you won't be tied up with arrangements and paperwork and perhaps you will have more time to grieve as a family? My DCs have lost 3 Grandparents and IME they dealt with it better than I thought they would. But you know your DCs and how they have reacted to other bereavments and how you want to play with. Your decision, just suggesting another approach. It's a difficult time and as a Mum/daughter/sister/whatever you will be trying to help everyone else. Do give some thought to yourself at this difficult time. Take care.

Evenstar · 01/08/2008 00:00

Don't feel that you have to go on holiday at this time, it is natural that you want to put your girls first it is what we mums do, but listen to your own feelings. I have made the decision not to go away at the moment, DH died suddenly at the end of June and I didn't feel able to leave my home at the moment. You may also have anxiety about other family members if you are not nearby. Do what you feel is best, I am so sorry for your loss, if you do go I hope that it will not be too difficult for you.

Original poster
Rachmumoftwo · 01/08/2008 00:04

I am so torn, but appreciate all the advice. I will go on the holiday, as I am not the only person going, and think it is unfair on the children to cancel. My dad wouldn't be too impressed at his grandaughters missing their first family holiday abroad.

I would have to keep going at home or away for the sake of my girls, so a little escapism may be a good thing. I'm not involved with any arrangements for the funeral or anything, so will arrange to fly back when I know when it is.

I will think about when to tell the children- they may provide the opportunity themselves, as children so often do. I am beginning to realise that there is no right or wrong way to do this, and have trouble with that, as I tend to be more comfortable with routine, and organisation, and knowing where I am. I am so confused and messed up right now.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/08/2008 00:06

Rach, so for you. I can't say whether or not it would be better or not to go away - when my nan (who I was very close to) died very suddenly of a heart attack a few years ago, I was due to go on holiday to Indonesia 1 1/2 weeks later. Even though I didn't really feel like it, I still went. And had a good time - although I remembered Nanna frequently during the trip.

My grandad also died while I was on a 2 week holiday in Australia but my parents told me not to rush home as they would delay the funeral until I got back anyway.

Your holiday won't be the same as it would have been if your dad was still alive but (and I know this is small comfort) at least you know he is at peace now and won't be worrying that you might get a phonecall with bad news.

Bless you love - I feel so sad for you.
(((hugs)))

Purplepillow · 01/08/2008 00:09

Oh Rach I am so sorry for your loss

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to give you some strength to get through the next few weeks xx

lilolilmanchester · 01/08/2008 00:11

There is no right or wrong way, that is the difficult thing in all of this. If only there were. You just posted the most important thing in all of this: what would your Dad have wanted? You are going to grieve wherever you are, and the holiday might provide some respite from that. I can see how you would feel guilty at going, but you seem to know what your Dad would have wanted, do take that into consideration.

Not sure if this will help, but when my Dad died, DS was coming up to 4 and he loved the Lion King. Mufasa's death helped us explain Grandad's death to DS.

mamalovesmojitos · 01/08/2008 20:46

rachel you are probably gone already but just wanted to say i am so, so sorry for your loss. it is a terrible thing.

i hope if you are gone, that you find some comfort with your children. xx.

cocolepew · 01/08/2008 20:50

Sorry for your loss.

MamaGLovesMe · 01/08/2008 20:51

I remember your other thread.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Use this holiday to celebrate your Dad's life. Without him, you wouldn't have your life or your lovely children.