How did you feel the day after your parent’s funeral

[morningtrain]

i know everybody’s grief is different but just interested in different experiences … we lay to rest my DDad tomorrow- we were very close & I nursed him through to the end.. so far my grief has been more manageable than I expected.. perhaps I did lots of my grieving in advance.. how did you feel the day after your parent’s funeral - specifically parents as can imagine it’s very different when it’s someone you actually lived with such as a spouse or of course a child. Thank you

I had to buy all the ingredients for a Christmas dinner as my mum was buried on 21 December. I was only 23 so it was 30 years ago now, but I remember we had a very quiet Christmas - going through the motions I guess. Then a drunk driver ran into me on NYE and I ended up in hospital until the middle of Jan. The GP signed me off to the end of Jan, and I went for walks alone, and sorted out her wardrobe and possessions. A friend had a spare ticket for Simply Red (Stars era) the day after I got out of hospital, so I went. The following 12 months were like a roller coaster really, ok some days, but hard on others. I do remember a loud kind of exhale when I'd got past the first anniversary of her death.

Numb. Lost, I had nothing else to plan.
I lost my Mum last year while I was pregnant, I was her next of kin, I found her dead at home, she was 57. I’d spent weeks going to appointments, booking things, planning things, writing the eulogy, picking music, pictures, flowers, food.
The day after I just felt… numb.
It’s been 16 months now, it still feels surreal, like it hasn’t really happened (I definitely haven’t processed it) but I was 32 when she died and definitely wasn’t ready or prepared to lose my Mum so I don’t know if that drags out the grief?

I’m sorry for your loss, I hope you get through tomorrow hearing at least one story that makes you chuckle thinking of your Dad ❤️

Thanks for your kind words OP. I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your Dad too.

Like others have said, my main feeling was tired and a bit irritated/angry at various (with the benefit of hindsight) trivial misdeeds of family members and the funeral directors, I found the whole funeral process very false and discordant for want of a better word, the picture that ended up being painted of who he was just felt so alien to the man I'd known. I guess looking back this was all part of grief (maybe an anger phase), I think that's quite common - more so probably than 'just' feeling weepy or melancholy or sad - I had those feelings too but for me they came much further down the line.

Look after yourself OP, there's no right or wrong way to feel

A bit lighter. Her memorial was almost a month after her death for logistical reasons. I had plenty of days to grieve. The actual event gave me a focused concentration of emotional processing and it was a bit of a catharsis. I still had moments where it would just hit me like a brick wall, but it wasn’t just there constantly anymore.

It took a couple of years to get to the point where I was more likely to smile when I thought of her than cry. Her death definitely hit me hard despite not being a surprise

Bereft! The sadness and loneliness was palpable to me. I can't begin really to explain how utterly heartbroken I felt. It was 22 years ago, and I still replay the lead up to his death and the days after his funeral. I had a very cold and thoughless boss and I remember him shouting at me to pull myself together, the day after his funeral! All I wanted to do was be with my Mom, but it was impossible at the time as I would have lost my job! I would definitely do things differently if I had my time over again. I hope you will be ok. Give yourself time to grieve, it's a very difficult time. Lots of love ❤️

My mums funeral was on a Friday, that weekend I think I just felt lost, all the organising, sorting finances out etc was over. I found it really hard going back to work on the Monday, it was very much like the funeral was over and the expectation was that I'd just crack on as normal.
I read somewhere that grief isn't linear - those are wise words. I remember walking into Tescos and the mothers day stuff was out. Caught me totally off guard and I could have burst into tears there and then
Take care OP x

I was just exhausted. We moved house the day before Dad’s funeral and then went on holiday two days after and I have no memory of the first week of the holiday, I think I slept most of the time.
I had been visiting him in hospital on alternate days with my sister which was an hour and a half’s drive plus DH was made redundant 8 days before he died. His death was a relief as he had been very ill and in pain but the grief only really hit me on the first anniversary.
Make sure you are kind to yourself OP, nobody knows how they will react and no way of grieving is wrong.

I loved my Dad and Mum, but honestly after both of their funerals I felt relieved. It was like I could move on with my life. It took a lot to care for them, I still missed them, but I felt peaceful because I’d done everything I could and that struggle was over.

Not what I expected. Life had to go on without grieving time-had to sort out stuff for work, for family hospital appointments, so felt I didn't really get a moment to myself except the funeral itself, and even then had to be on show and strong for others.
I suppose we see things on TV about people having time to look at photos, throw ashes, so a bit blindsided, if you want honest responses.

I organise funerals due to my job and many people come to us after worried they aren’t grieving or even sad enough, what i always say is everyone is different and when someone has been ill for a long time it can be relief you feel rather than sadness. The daughter of the funeral I have later this week is going on holiday the following day because it’s been 3 years since she’s been able to go away as she cared for her mum, when I offered condolences when I first met her she told me it was time, beyond time and her mum had a good life.

everyone is different though and circumstances vary so much, very different for a spouse when it’s sudden or loosing a child which is unbearable.

Hungover and empty. Everything was geared up for the funeral and then nothing...

Dad's death was not unexpected, but it did catch us out a little. He was 86 and had dementia. There was minimal paperwork as everything passed to Mum I felt relief in the first instance but the lingering permanent sadness that he is no longer here has not left me and is something I just have to live with. I think that is as bad as it is because I was blessed to have had such a wonderful Dad . I was born when her was fourty and things could have been very different had he not had such a long and relatively healthy life.

Relief

Actually ok and a little relieved that things were sorted and we had given him the send off he deserved with all family and friends around. I suffered terribly from anticipatory grief because we had about six weeks where we knew dad was dying, so perhaps ironically that helped. The funeral was lovely overall, although I got very upset when he went through the curtain as that all seemed so final.

I was sad the day after my dad's funeral, but also grateful to everyone who came or watched the service online. I also felt like the service was just right for him, as well as pride in myself for writing and being able to deliver a speech with only one small wobble.

On a lighter note, I had to spend the day after the funeral travelling 400 miles in the middle of July, so I was also feeling very hot!

For my father’s funeral, we had booked to go away before he was really unwell and passed away. We went to Cuba a month later. With my DMs funeral, we went away and h stayed on for a few days to have done time to myself to ugly cry without DDs seeing. Eat rubbish, drink wine in peace and drown my sorrows.
So sorry for your loss 🌺

For Mother, immediately after death there was the relief that she was no longer in pain. She was very religious so the funeral was a routine led by others. Two priests, one from the Cathedral had ministered to mother for years plus her parish priest. It made it reassuring for Dad and me. It made the handover to dad easier.
The Priests were moved and solemn, serious, not a chore for them it meant something.

I am so sorry for your loss.

My parent died during lockdown so unfortunately only about 6 people could attend and there was no wake.

I think I was relieved that the funeral was over as I had been handling everything single handedly.

If it had been a proper funeral with a wake and sharing love and stories I think it would have been an awful day - but also a cathartic one and helpful for processing the grief.

I'm sorry for your loss.

DM had been very ill for over a year and spent her last few weeks comfortable in a lovely hospice. I did my grieving quite early on I think when she was first diagnosed and so by the time she died, we were all just exhausted and ready to let go. The day after the funeral was a relief. It felt like the enormous weight of the previous months was lifted. It was a beautiful sunny day too (deep winter) and it seemed like the first positive sign for ages.

I felt relieved that it was over. The day of the funeral was awful but it was much easier after that.

I've lost both parents, one as a young adult (parent in their 50s) and as an older adult (parent in their 90s). Both were ill and the deaths were expected, but the kind of death made a considerable difference to me. The first one was a short illness, and my parent died too young - that made it very difficult for me to process. The second death was after many years of ill health, and really it would have been easier on everyone if it had happened sooner, so when it came it was a relief. It's sad though when someone outlives many of their friends and relatives, and there are fewer people left to mourn.

The day after the funeral doesn't stand out particularly for me. For the second death I had to do some of the funeral arrangements, dealing with personal belongings and the estate, so there were ongoing things to keep me busy.

Can report feeling sadder than ever, disassociated, sick, exhausted & restless… just don’t know what to do with myself & certainly don’t feel closure, actually the opposite.. like the funeral opened the doors to ‘actual grieving’ - before it didn’t feel real. Feel I’ve steeped through a portal- like before I became a mother…but this time it’s heavy & sad. How are there so many people walking this earth carrying such sadness?!!!

The day after was absolutely awful, not in that we were very elevated as such, it was more the silence, everyone withdrew into themselves. I think we had gotten burnout from all of the dealings with family, the hospital, admin things, arrangements & we all just crashed out. The day after that we went for walks and coffee which really helped. Everyone's different but I definitely benefited from getting outside and a little normality.

Sending hugs and strength OP ❤️ sorry for your loss, listen to yourself and go with your gut on what helps, if you want to hibernate do so, if you feel it would help you to go out then do that xx