Dads funeral - Flowers/Car etc - do I have to?

[foel]

Some of you may have read difficulties I've had with this.

Brother has arranged a car for himself and some family. I've told him to crack on and I'll sort myself out. Same with flowers.

Will it look strange if I don't turn up in limo etc? I'd just be my wife and I anyway. Would it be disrespectful?

Same with flowers. Dad was the tightest person on the planet and there is no way he'd pay for flowers ever if it was anyone else. Again, I expect my brother has got the biggest display known to man.

I'm just sick of all the showing off my brother has done for this funeral when he couldn't be bothered to visit Dad in his last years....

Just want to go the funeral, not have any hassle, and go home. (Not going to the wake he's organised)

Just want to go the funeral, not have any hassle, and go home

Just do that then. No problem. He's your dad, remember him your way. Arrive with your wife, leave when you're ready. Don't bother with flowers. Do something else meaningful to you if you want to.

Will your brother be lining up at the door to shake hands with people leaving the ceremony? Would you want to do that with him? I would maybe think it was odd if your brother did that but you didn't. But you know, a passing thought. It wouldn't be a big deal.

Yes I plan to... Nah won't be lining up at the door with him. Sod that.

Going through this myself
Flowers costing nearly £1000, sod that if they want to buy them then they can crack on, oh wait, no they’re not going to be I refuse to pay half!!
I’ve had nothing to do with arranged my parents funeral I only know date n time!

Now I have no idea how much flowers for a funeral cost.

I'd imagine brother has got a big display with DAD on. To be honest, Dad would turn in his grave knowing he'd spent this much on flowers.

And I'm 1000% sure Dad would have liked him to have visited him more than twice in 2 years at the Care Home rather than have a £million worth of flowers.... (same same old - no-one sees the hard work going to visit but everyone will see his huge flower display!)

I’m so sad for you, OP. I hope you can find a way to deal with this and not let it taint the occasion for you. You can do whatever you like for your Dad before and at the funeral.

No, you don't have to. We didn't. Just arrive in your usual car

My mum said if my brother tried to buy her one of those MUM floral displays I was to tell him she'd haunt him AND disinherit him.

@foel Not £1000! Mums were £150 2 years ago. Just a big spray for the coffin. We didn’t have cars but most people do. That’s not showing off. A wake is normal too and usually paid out of the estate. Usually tea but not always alcohol. If you don’t want to stay, don’t but make a contribution to family flowers. Most funerals don’t have loads now - just a waste!

I don't think it will register with anyone about how you are not in the car. In regards to the flowers nobody is going to know that you were not part of them. Sounds like your brother is trying to be the big man in front of everyone but in fairness the majority will not care or notice.

It honestly doesn't matter what your brother does, you don't have to do anything the same way he is and vice versa, anyone who knows your dad will presumably know the truth of the situation, everything about funerals is personal choice, so if he wants to make a big show then let him crack on.

Cars - it's entirely up to you, however you get there, immediate family go to the front and gather at the entrance normally while others queue behind, the coffin will be with the family cars but you will all go in at the same time anyway. I personally don't like the cars as you have to sit there like a lemon before they let you out, where as in the queue you can be talking to people etc, but if you are paying to have the coffin transported in a hearse, having cars following after is not really showy, some families just find it easier to all be together.

Flowers - personal choice again. They just go to waste IMO but some people feel they haven't given the person a proper send off if they don't do it.

Lining up at the door - I absolutely hate this personally, as both the organiser and someone attending. I prefer to low key mingle with people outside.

The best thing you can do is show up, do your own thing without running down anything your brother is doing, then leave when you are ready.

Well, in my book, only bothering twice in 2 years to drive 10 mins to see Dad in the care home, then splashing out on flowers, massive wake etc has only one purpose....+

Dad was very tight with his money - for £150 he'd think you buy the florist shop.

Words can not explain how I feel about my brother at the moment...

Always the same. I expected this. No-one sees you driving to see Dad in the rain every week sitting there while he has no idea who you are.....

Apart from your own conscience....

Sorry for your loss. You’ve enough to process without your brother’s stuff.
I’m involved in planning beloved stepdad’s funeral. Not only are we going in our car, he booked a low-key eco funeral so he’s going in their estate car, and requested no flowers, donations to charity if people wish.

Always the same. I expected this. No-one sees you driving to see Dad in the rain every week sitting there while he has no idea who you are.....

OP you need a good shake to be honest, I'm going to apologise because based on something you said earlier on, I read your other thread about your brother and your dad and I'm quite horrified by what I've read.

Your dad by your own admission was a horrible, sexist, bigoted man, who didn't care about you, your wife, your brother, and refused to have anything to do with your kids, he has been downright cruel to you all over the years and didn't deserve the time away from your own family seeing to his every need.. he would never have done it for you.

I think you have been so caught up in the 'who is the better son' game that you've lost sight of what is important.. none of it matters, it didn't make him like you any better or treat you any better, and you are STILL tying yourself in knots about who is doing 'the grieving son' better and how it looks to 'other people'.

It's not your fault, I'm in no doubt that your dad has stoked this fire of competition in you both over the years because it suited him, and you've both played your roles perfectly to try and prove that you are better than the other and you each love him more than the other, you are both still doing it now.

Hopefully in time you'll be able to let it go.

This is your father’s funeral. Don’t let your fractured relationship with your brother influence your decisions,

Funerals are usually paid for from the deceased estate.

@foel Many of us have useless relatives. You can tell everyone he didn’t visit if you wish if that makes you feel better. You are letting him get to you and yes, he’s showing off. You don’t have to join in. Let him pay for the flowers and let his antics pass you by. It’s not worth it. Take some of the flowers home.

If your DF had no idea who you were, what purpose was there for visiting? It would not have been for his benefit would it? People behave very differently when it comes to ageing parents. Some people cannot face visiting someone who just isn’t present anymore. I’ve been in that position. I found it traumatic to visit my stepfather as he had absolutely no idea who I was after knowing him for 50+ years. I went because I felt obliged,

you do whatever you wish to do. When my dad died we had no funeral cars and the only funeral flowers were wild flowers from the fields that dad loved

We've just been through this for my mum. She wouldn't have wanted anything fancy so we just got a display of mainly of lilies and sunflowers on top of her coffin and draped it with one of the many beautiful patchwork quilts she made.

We just said family flowers only and our funeral directors set up a donation page for our local hospital's charity if people wanted to donate in her memory. Maybe you could do something like that?

My dad and brother went in my brother's car, and I went in mine with my husband and oldest daughter (youngest is 3 so went to nursery). We didn't see the need to go in a fancy car. We did the same for my sister's funeral last summer.

I would just do whatever feels comfortable for you and go in your own car- this has been the norm at the funerals I've been to.

So sorry for your loss.

@foel
Sympathies for your loss.
For DM we went in our own cars, funeral directors were late and flew down the motorway with us trying to keep up (DM would have loved that😀) for flowers we picked flowers from DM's garden and made posies, DM was a keen gardener and like your DF she would not have been happy at us spending money on flowers.
Do what feels right for you, no-one will judge you

Do what is right for you, quite normal to use ordinary cars these days and many people meet the coffin at the church/crematorium rather than any procession anyway. Flowers you can do as you please, a hand tied bunch from a supermarket if you like. As to the wake - id keep it flexible, on the day you may actually want to go, the talking about the deceased can be helpful to many but if on the day you don’t fancy it skip it!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do what is right for you.

Do whatever you want, OP.
And, these days, most people do charitable donations rather than flowers.... in some circles, a big fancy flower arrangement is seen as tacky!

In your shoes, I would tell anyone who asks at the funeral that you decided against flowers as your dad didn't care for them, and you are making a donation to the care home (or suitable charity) instead.