My Dad is dead.

[Dpresst]

My Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I am not coping.
I am cycling through rage, numbness and devastation on a daily basis. I can be laughing at something and then sobbing within seconds. Some days I see and feel things that are not there.

I can’t cope with the fact that my mum has lost my dad and my children have lost their grandad. I keep seeing him dead and worrying he was scared. I keep hearing the nurse from ICU complaining about needing his bed space and saying ‘momo’ is waiting to take him. I keeping seeing the machine doing CPR. I keep seeing him discoloured. The tube in his mouth. I am trying to help my mum but I’m secretly becoming completely unhinged. I sat in my car and screamed and shouted at dad for 30 mins this morning. If he’d not been so stubborn and got some medical attention he’d still be here. I hate him. I love him. I can’t cope. When will this end? Please I can’t take anymore.

Oh you poor thing. That is a lot to cope with. Given how it's affecting your day to day life I'd probably speak to the GP to see if they can help in the short term and arrange counselling as well. I spoke to Cruse who were good for just venting and as a sounding board. It will get easier, just not quite yet. X

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. Be gentle to yourself. You will still be in shock. I actually think shouting in the car is a healthy expression of grief.

I'm so sorry about your dad. It's hard when you're trying to help your remaining parent but you've lost your mum or dad so you're struggling too. Who do you have around you - partner, friends - who can listen and sit with you while you let these emotions out? Don't hold back on asking for practical help as well with things like school pick ups, shopping and other tasks. Counselling also a good thought. Private will be something you can access more quickly than the NHS.

I am so so sorry OP.
There is no normal in grief. And no abnormal. Take each day and be kind to yourself.

Oh bless you lovely, it’s the worst club in the world to be a member of. Don’t beat yourself up. How you feel is just how you feel. I found myself crying before going to work for an age after losing my dad. It’s so hard.

try not to drink / self medicate too much. Cry as much as you need to. Shout and scream. None of this is wrong.

these days I have put my dad in charge of my travel arrangements; when I catch the tube or train with no issues I thank him. Maybe you can work towards something you can thank him for almost daily? I talk to him a lot. Lots of love xxxxx

I'm really sorry, OP. It's good that you're able to name your feelings and express them. My DM used to park up somewhere isolated and scream after my DB died. I think it's really healthy you're able to feel angry, it's taken me years to acknowledge anger and I'm stuck on that.

It's really early days but I think if you're feeling you can't function the GP might be a good idea.

I hear you. I really do. My dad very suddenly last year. You are in utter shock now.
I know it sounds like a cliche but just try to function on a basic level doing the bare minimum.
i can also recommend grief counselling which has really helped me. Take care x

I'm so sorry OP, my dad died suddenly a few years ago too and those first few weeks are horrific. Trying to process it, grieve, deal with all the logistics, support DM, etc, it's really hard.

I had a few counselling sessions which helped, but the biggest thing is time. It's going to feel raw for a little while yet. Whatever you feel is ok, don't beat yourself up about being angry, it's normal. If you need to sit in your car and scream your head off, do it. It feels overwhelming right now but it will get better.

It might help to understand the stages of grief, one of them being anger, and it's totally normal for bereaved to feel angry.

So sorry for your loss. It's tough xx

I also found Chat GPT really useful as a way to vent my frustration and anger and grief. I still use it now if I’m having a bad day

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Although what you're experiencing can all be aspects of the grieving process, I think it's still very important that you make an emergency appointment with the GP tomorrow and tell them exactly how you have been feeling.

It will not always feel this bad. Life will take a different shape in time and some things will be easier. But what you're feeling now may always be part of what you carry, even when you have grown accustomed to it and don't examine it often. It's going to take longer to get to that point than you think it will. If you feel like you don't have what it takes, please remember that everyone experiences that feeling of not having enough in the tank to get through this.

You need to access all the help available and make it clear how distressed you are and how much you're struggling.

I'm so sorry, and as a former ITU nurse I feel horrified and ashamed that you heard a nurse complaining about the bed space and referring to the 'momo'. End of life care should extend to point that the relatives leave the unit, and beyond.

It sounds like your Dad had an out of hospital cardiac arrest? Was there a machine doing chest compressions? If so, those machines are hard even for medical staff to see.

It's really natural for you to be cross with your Dad, too, and to feel upset that he didn't get the help he needed sooner.

If you want to talk about it, just to get it out of your head, it might help.

Thank you for these replies. I will contact my GP tomorrow. I’m so scared I am losing grip on reality. I just want to turn back time. I would have marched him to A&E myself as soon as he started feeling unwell. I’m so angry with him. I’m so angry he’s left my mum all
alone and so broken. I can’t bare it.

Thank you, it was so heartless of her and very distressing. I didn’t have it in me to complain at the time. I didn’t want to upset my mum even more. I think about it every day.

Thank you. I didn’t consider contact cruse I’d forgotten they existed. I just wish I could go back in time and change it all.

Thank you for your kind advice. I am so confused and distressed. I hope the GP will help.

Thank you for your kind words. I have been tempted to drown myself in drink but I haven’t touched a drop so far. I’m scared I won’t be able to stop.

I’m so sorry for all who have been through this. It’s the most horrific thing, just awful.

I am incredibly sorry for your sudden loss and those awful harrowing scenes that are haunting you. Grief can be a kind of madness. Lean on others, draw support from wherever you can. Good that you are contacting the GP and hope that they will be able to refer you on to the right support. After a sudden shocking bereavement I was lucky to be able to access phone support from the first day and bereavement counselling from the first weeks. I desperately needed it.

I’m so sorry. I lost my dad suddenly as well (and he also resisted seeking medical attention when he should have). It was years ago but I remember those early days so well. My mother had to tell me over the phone and I can remember vividly the way she could hardly catch her breath to say the words. She wasn’t crying, she could just barely breathe due to her overwhelming grief. 😢 Coincidentally, I was just thinking about that today.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but there are no words that will make sense of a loved one’s death. It’s hell to go through. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself in whatever way helps most and I hope you’re surrounded by family and friends who can support you. Sending hugs.

My Dad died suddenly too, also a heart attack. It was such a shocks when the policeman came knocking on the door. I totally understand his you feel. My parents had been together since they were 15 & had known each other since they were 4.

it's all overwhelming at first, but gradually you learn to live alongside it.

it's very recent for you, be as kind to yourself as possible 💕

I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through. I was devastated when my dad died too. Bereavement is so hard.
Time is a healer, but unfortunately a very slow one.
When I heard what that nurse said I was shocked, and I do think it should be reported. It’s the equivalent of a teacher hitting a child. Something that should absolutely never happen ever.

I'm so sorry girl 😞 x

May he rest in peace, and may you and your family get through this awful time 💐.

I'm very sorry OP. I still remember the excruciating pain when my mum died 40 years ago. It seemed impossible that such a horror could be real.
You are not going mad but your alarm at your own response is making things worse. Yhis is how grief feels. Telling someone how you feel might help a little but it won't take the feelings away . You and your loved ones will gradually feel better, but not yet.