My Dad is dead.

[Dpresst]

My Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I am not coping.
I am cycling through rage, numbness and devastation on a daily basis. I can be laughing at something and then sobbing within seconds. Some days I see and feel things that are not there.

I can’t cope with the fact that my mum has lost my dad and my children have lost their grandad. I keep seeing him dead and worrying he was scared. I keep hearing the nurse from ICU complaining about needing his bed space and saying ‘momo’ is waiting to take him. I keeping seeing the machine doing CPR. I keep seeing him discoloured. The tube in his mouth. I am trying to help my mum but I’m secretly becoming completely unhinged. I sat in my car and screamed and shouted at dad for 30 mins this morning. If he’d not been so stubborn and got some medical attention he’d still be here. I hate him. I love him. I can’t cope. When will this end? Please I can’t take anymore.

It’s ok to sit and shout in the car. It’s ok to be laughing one minute and sobbing the next. It’s ok to be angry and feel like you hate him. Don’t fight against it, let these emotions flood through you. It won’t be like this forever.

I'm so sorry OP x

I lost my dad last year OP, and saw him in the hospital shortly afterwards. That image remained imprinted against my reality, as in I could see his body before me constantly, for weeks. It did fade though, and I have been able to have happier memories come to the front since. I also had physical pain in my arms and stomach when I thought of him, for many months. I’m so sorry you feel like this and this has happened. You will start to feel better, hold onto that hope. It’s hard to know what to say. Try to take care of yourself.