Is it normal to feel fine so soon after losing my mum?

[MaraScottie]

Hi,
My gorgeous Mam passed away 2 weeks ago, her funeral was last week. She was only 68 and had cancer for the past year - it was never looking good really but she went downhill quite rapidly over the past 4 weeks while in hospital. I felt like I lost her 3 weeks before she actually died as the cancer in her brain progressed.

In the lead up to this, I was heartbroken. Anxious, upset, crying all the time, finding it hard to focus at work, pulling away from social events, and it was going on for months as she was undergoing tests and scans earlier this year. Really though, the fear of losing her was been in the back of my mind for that entire year.

We're now a week after the funeral, and I'm worried that I feel "fine". I cry when I think about her or look at photos but everything feels normal again and I don't know what this means. Has it not hit me properly? Or did I do my grieving before she died?

When I read accounts of women losing their mam (and we were very close), they talk about months of not being able to function, but this is not my experience. What's wrong with me!

So sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my step dad last Friday and my main feeling is worry for my mum rather than grief, I think you do the grieving on the build up when it’s expected maybe? I don’t know but interested to know others thoughts. It was similar with my real dad a few years ago, I didn’t feel hugely sad after the funeral unless I really thought about him or looked at photos. I guess life goes on… I don’t know I think I’m a bit weird about this stuff anyway!

Aw bless you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you at all!

There’s no set time for grieving. My Dad was sick for months and I was exhausted and distraught. Then when he died I was actually a bit relieved he wasn’t suffering anymore. He was the best Dad in the whole world ever and I miss him every day. But you can’t cry forever.
Be kind to yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss 💛

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I'm sorry about your mum. It sounds like you have done a lot of grieving before she actually passed, known as anticipatory grieving. I did this with both of my parents, who had dementia.

We all grieve differently. Although it is rare to admit it on here many of us are sad that we have lost people that we love but actually everything is back to normal fairly quickly. I was back at work after a week and many others are tool

Sometimes the grief becomes so great the brain shuts down, becomes almost numb. Maybe you are exhausted and your brain has decided you need a break from the grief to be able to function. I think it’s perfectly normal reaction. I’m sorry for your loss 😔 💐

My mother died 5 months ago. I do not feel heartbroken or unable to function. It feels odd and there were a lot of practical things to do. There is no one way to feel and there will be different emotions and thoughts at different times. My mother died suddenly. My father had cancer and I was with him when he died. I had more time to prepare myself for his death. Whatever you feel or don't feel is okay.

Nothing is wrong with you. It’s normal. You probably watched your mum waste away or suffer. It’s traumatic. It’s almost a relief when they die and you don’t have to watch. Then you have the funeral and all the admin for that, then probate. You don’t get time to take it all in. The grief sometimes comes later. Don’t worry about it. You’re not weird. You’re not letting her down. You loved her.

I lost my mum at Xmas after caring for her for six years. It was really tough, but her dying was a big weight off my shoulders. I wasn’t half as upset as I thought I would be, and still haven’t cried as much as I expected. But I loved her.
We’re all different. There’s no right or right or wrong. Just be kind to yourself.

Sorry for your loss . I think it’s quite normal. I didn’t really get to grieve due to supporting my DF and doing all of the admin associated with the funeral, probate etc as other family members felt unable / unwilling to take it on . Other than the stress associated with this I felt normal & able to function perfectly well. I took no time out ( I wasn’t working ) while my siblings who both worked had weeks off . It actually hit me 2 years later when someone else not close to me died. I don’t think that there’s a right or wrong way to feel, just be aware that it might come later .

Thanks everyone ❤️

I am heartbroken, mam was the centre of our universe and now my dad is left bereft. It's amazing how quickly the dynamics of the family change after a death. I am just feeling resigned, and sad. And it feels wrong to be laughing with my kids and making plans to go back to work. I almost can't get a handle of the enormity of the change ... so perhaps my brain hasn't caught up yet.

It's an awful club to be part of. Sorry for all your losses x

Grief isn't linear and is so personal. It sounds like you had a really hard year of grieving before she died. You may still be in shock and you find something hits you unexpectedly in the future. Or you may have processed a lot already and now there is a kind of relief. Try not to second guess how you're feeling and let yourself be.

I so sorry for your loss @MaraScottie

Watching DHs family dealing with grief it is very different for each family member.

I think though that it is as stuff comes up and the firsts that new waves of grief happen.

The first time we visited the grave after the funeral DH cried and cried whereas day to day he was compartmentalising his grief a lot and in his own words doing well. It comes up though from time to time and his siblings say the same.

In think this is true. Some things are just unbearable 😔

I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I think where a person has lived to old age, loss is natural and so while very sad, perhaps easier to process after the initial shock and grief than the loss of a younger person when every time you think of their poor children growing up without a parent and the way it will impact their life the tragedy hits you afresh.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry about your mum. Mine died at the start of the pandemic. I think you're describing anticipatory grief, feeling her loss before she died. You've had to cope and be a carer, so your brain has compartmentalised your grief so you can keep functioning. My sisters and I were the same during and immediately after my mum's death. It took a few numb months before that wore off, then I found grief hit me in a massive tsunamis and I couldn't catch my breath. (Google: wave of grief) I thought I'd escaped it, but no, it was waiting for me. I was very fortunate this was during lockdown so I could wfh and have privacy. The hospice where she died offered bereavement counselling over Zoom, and this was my lifeline back to "normal".
Be kind to yourself, give yourself space and time 🖤

Absolutely this. After my father died, after the funeral, I went back to work and just carried on. Then we got a card from a neighbour with the most lovely message and I just lost it.
It's 40 years since my beloved Daddy died and still something will just trigger a memory and bring the grief back. A different grief, but still the feeling of loss.
Don't judge or be hard on yourself or feel you've let your mum down. It's just yorur mind's way of coping.

Mum died 1st March, buried 5th March , aged 87

I fell apart last Friday

For the first time I felt overwhelming sadness, anger, grief, loss, uncertainty . - so many emotions, Im not even sure of half of them

Till then I was living with exhaustion and relief

This week Im more of an even keel

Maybe mid week things will go pie eyed again, I dont know

All I know is it's my first ever experience of grieving for a family member and Im learning to expect the unexpected. I had expected to feel relief, I had been her carer for 20 years, but the feeling of loss - well that's really hitting

I think what you're feeling are feelings of relief, and release. It's a strange mix when it's someone so close to you who is gone.
Try not to overthink it, there's no right or wrong.

It is perfectly normal to feel relief when a close loved one dies after a long distressing illness like cancer. Once you know they are terminal you do start to prepare yourself. It can often be stop/start process and it can really take it out of you. It’s a long goodbye so by the time you’ve made it through the funeral you tend to feel a sense of calm. They are no longer here but they are no longer in pain.

I think unless you experienced end stage cancer then you are unaware just how awful the whole process is. Even if everything is done to make it as comfortable as possible it takes its toll.

Now you can relax and grieve properly without the guilt of wishing it was all over , I don’t know anyone who has experienced it who doesn’t quietly pray that their loved one goes quickly and peacefully. We don’t always have that choice though.

I wouldn’t say that this is the calm before the storm but there are lots of feelings to process over the next few months. You need to be kind to yourself, don’t commit to too much, the grief can hit when you least expect. When you go out set a limit and a time to leave so if you’re feeling overwhelmed you can excuse yourself without upsetting others. They will understand. I always found work a safe space because I was busy and focused to I could switch off the emotions, but home has all the memories and time to think about what you are going through.

I am lucky to have a very close relationship with my DSis who has had the same journey as me so understands. We lost our youngest DSis about a year ago which has probably been the toughest loss. We lost our parents in our 30s and have spent more of our adult life without them so became reliant on each other. Losing one point of our family triangle has been difficult but 12 months on we are back enjoying life and now we are both retired (early) we are determined to spend more time together. We’ve always lived a fair distance from each other but spend a lot of time texting or on FaceTime. We know that it is good therapy for our grief since we’ve weathered this storm before. We have a What’s App group with our BIL and my late DSis lifelong best friend. It was busy initially but we now just post on significant days.

There are no rules for how you grieve. No one will expect you to don black for 12 months and be miserable, least of all your late mum.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. I'm an only child and was very close to my lovely DM and when she died I just carried on as normal. She was older than yours, but died suddenly. I miss both my parents and think of them every day, but I never had any moments of overwhelming grief.

My mum died three days ago and I feel similar. I feel sad and teary when I think of her, but otherwise life has remained very normal. She had a prolonged decline over 2-3 years and a very difficult last few months so I think I had a lot of anticipatory grief and there is also now relief that she’s not suffering any more.

I felt the same when my dad died. Horrific during his whole illness but ‘fine’ after he’d died. Yes, I cried and still do sometimes (3 years later), but on the whole I feel fine. I kept waiting for some awful contained grief to reach up and grab me, but it didn’t.

I was fine after my lovely Dad died. I don’t know why but it surprised me how ok I was. He had lung cancer so maybe the fact we all knew he was going to die made it easier when he did. I was ok talking about him and it wasn’t like we tried to all hide our emotions. I wondered if all the sadness might catch up with me but it didn’t. I didn’t feel any guilt over my lack of sadness. I know I was an amazing daughter and I know my Dad and I loved each other very much so I wasn’t worried I was doing him a disservice by not properly grieving him.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks and although I was dissapointed I was fine. I cried when it first happened but I didn’t give it much thought afterwards. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to deal with death.

Your emotions sounds really similar to
mine, and a few years down the line, I still feel the same. I have always felt ‘ok’ and able to function well. I randomly tear up at a memory or a song every so often, and I feel such sadness at how our family has changed, and the sadness and loss for
my DF.
But I don’t feel I have ever struggled with the grief. A lot of people have told me I must have bottled it up, but I don’t think I ever have. I feel ok.

Sorry, that was a long ‘me’ response, but just to say, I don’t think there is anything wrong with how you’re feeling, we all experience grief so differently, as with anything in life.

I’m sorry for everyone on this who has lost a loved one💐

I think that in cases like yours, a huge part of the anger and grief comes at the point of diagnosis. Then the whole time you are dealing with illness and treatment, you are having to adjust to the idea of loss.

So you have been grieving for the whole year she was sick, and also fighting and hoping that she wouldn't go.

Now she has gone, it will be a different grief. Perhaps more the sadness and missing her instead of the anger and sense of it's unfair?

Right now it is a bit like the calmness after the storm (of medical intervention and hospitals). I am sure that there will be many moments of grief, loss and sadness over the coming years. No-one can tell you how to grieve or when to grieve. It is so personal.

This thread has been so comforting and I can relate to so many of you. My beloved father suffered terribly in the last years of his life and watching him decline was devastating. For me, the anticipatory grief was so much more intense and traumatic than the actual grief.

It’s been a couple of years now and I am mostly okay - I think about him every single day and cry at times. But life has to move forward; I carry him with me every day.