Do I go to see my Mom? Viewing without being embalmed, worried about my reaction

[ToGoOrNotToGoWhatToDo]

Evening, please do not pounce on me for my grammar. I know it is awful, but I would just like some advice right now please.
I lost my Mom on the weekend, just 15 weeks from diagnosis or brain cancer. She has lived with my family and I since finding out, the decline was fast, cancer took her brain and little by little each day I lost her, until the end.
Her wishes are for a Direct Cremation and scattering, I don't agree with either but I will fulfill her wishes 100%.
I would much rather a funeral for closure and a grave to visit and mourn, but we spoke about what she wanted and I will honour her.
What I wish to ask is, she died on the weekend, she will not be embalmed just dressed I think.
What condition will she be in within a week? Has anyone else viewed someone in the chapel of rest a week after death not embalmed? Do you have regrets? What should I expect?
The funeral directors collected her 3 hours after death, as she started to lose her colour, I have children in the house and I was unsure of the changes to come.
I would be greatful of any advise please, as I am unsure on what to do.
I want to see my Mom, I want to make sure her belongings are 'just so', but I am afraid.

I'm so sorry, that was so fast, you must be in such shock.
I think it's a very individual thing, but personally I've always found seeing the bodies of loved ones very helpful. If you feel you want to you probably should.
They will be keeping her in the best condition for this even without embalming. And you can ask them what to expect too, they will be very kind and helpful.
I saw my mum and my dad and some others.
Sending you a hug @ToGoOrNotToGoWhatToDo 💔

OP, she will be kept in a fridge, and they will take her out for viewing - she will look like your mother. My sister and I visited my DM after she had died for just the reason you say - to make sure she was looking her best and that my father’s letters were in her coffin with her - she had asked that they should be destroyed and so we thought best to leave them with her. I was worried that if I saw my mother in her coffin, that’s how I’d remember her - the undertakers had got her hair wrong, but she looked smart, and that would have been important to her - but in fact, when I think of my much-loved mother, it’s of her in life. Do go and see your mother, to reassure yourself. It won’t be awful.
And just to say: I’m very sorry for your loss.

So sorry @ToGoOrNotToGoWhatToDo.

I may be wrong but I think that embalming is a given now regardless. When my DGM and DF passed a year apart in 2019/2020 we were told both times that embalming is required, not something that can be chosen. Of course, that stance may have changed, but call your funeral directors to at least know for sure.

Embalming isn’t compulsory and if anyone wants a green burial that cannot be done if the body has been embalmed. Some religions don’t permitted it, either. As I recall, bodies can be chilled or dry iced. They’re not embalmed in a mortuary for a post mortem. But you’d want to see the body fairly quickly after death.

I visited my Mum in the mortuary a few times in the 17 days we waited for the post mortem and she looked better than other relatives I've seen that have been embalmed, she just looked like she was asleep and a bit cold. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

It’s a personal choice thing, I haven’t myself. As far as the service side of things, you can still have a memorial service even if you have had a direct cremation, we frequently hold them at work (a church) our local pub holds them too, with a humanist celebrant

I'm sorry for your loss.

I saw my friend 10 days after she passed. She was very cold and very pale.

I found it very comforting to see her. If you can, I suggest going with a friend who can support you.

Big Hugs 🤗I'm so sorry 💕

if you phone them in the morning & ask them they'll advise you. I have always been glad I went to see them. I visited my Dad a lot between his sudden death & funeral, even the morning of his funeral & for a while it was the first image I had when I thought if him, but that changed to nicer ones over time.

Lots of love xx

I saw my father after he died and I don’t regret it. It didn’t look like my dad though I’m sorry to say. Just be prepared for that.

You were scammed then! Embalming is a very expensive procedure but is absolutely an option! You do NOT have to agree to it.

My mother wasn’t embalmed. We saw her about 5 days after she’d died. She looked somewhat shrunken, but still looked like her. The only thing was that her skin was quite yellow which I hadn’t expected.

Remember her with your happiest memory. Don’t put that imagine into your head.

I saw both my husband and my dad after death, and to be honest I would really rather not have done so. I still sometimes get flashbacks to seeing my husband’s body - there was nothing very terrible about the sight but I was deeply upset by the experience anyway. However, I was at my mum’s deathbed and I did not feel I needed to visit her in the chapel. Essentially I don’t think I will visit a body again. So if you choose not to, don’t feel that you are missing something vital.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieving a parent is really hard xx

My DDad died suddenly abroad. Nothing sinister, but the authorities had to do a post mortem because it was unexpected.
I went to see his body before it was cremated, which must have been about a week after he passed. I don’t believe it was embalmed - he was recognisable but I could tell he wasn’t ‘there’ any more if that makes sense? I remember he looked very small, pale and waxy-looking.

That sounds quite ghoulish as I write it down but at the time it gave a lot of closure and I was glad I viewed the body.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

I saw my mother 5 days after she died. She had not been embalmed, as she wanted to be cremated.

She looked like my mum. Her hair was soft and clean. I’m not sure I got a lot out of it emotionally - I was with her when she died so I really understood she was gone. But it was fine.

Take good care of yourself. It is so hard.

DH wasn't embalmed, the funeral director warned it could change how he looked so I opted not to. He was in the funeral home for three weeks and I visited a few times, he was cold with pale skin but there were no scary changes in him. I don't regret any of the visits I made to him, in many ways it was lovely to see him looking peaceful.

I saw both my husband and my mother die.I said my goodbyes to their mortal remains then and did not want to see them again, if that makes sense.
When I say mortal remains I mean their actual bodies.I am a catholic and believe that at the moment of death the soul, which is the immortal part of you leaves the body which then is just an empty shell.To my mind the soul is the part that is ''you'', where it goes we don't exactly know but it goes on living somewhere, we like to hope in heaven.That is why we pray for the soul after death.
I was a nurse all my working life so am no stranger to dead bodies.My mother took a while to cool I kept stroking her face which still felt warm 15 minutes after her death. My husband had severe heart disease but put up a great fight in the last few days of his life, he was very restless despite the strong analgesia he was on and his last breath came as huge relief to him.I came back into the room after the nurses had washed his body, he had defiantly changed was very very white and cold but looked at peace.But as I have already said, it was just his empty souless body not the man I knew.Two days later the undertaker asked if I would like to bring his clothes in to dress him.I did this but did not want to see him, I let the undertakers dress him.

FIL was the first person I have seen die and was embalmed. I wouldn’t have chosen to go and see him in the funeral home but DH wanted to, and wanted my support.

With hindsight, I’m glad I did. It made things much less daunting when my own dad died. He was not embalmed and the funeral directors were really helpful. They suggested that we would find viewings after two weeks distressing as that’s when changes would become unavoidably visible.

I did go and see DF in the funeral home after about a week. Tbh, it was upsetting but far less so than the death or funeral. I just felt I couldn’t turn down the chance, but it wasn’t really him. Just his body. I made sure he looked good and would have approved ready for the final journey.

Oh love, I am so sorry you've lost your Mum. I saw my Mum a week after she'd died and I wish I hadn't.. I know this sounds awful, but how they look when they have just died is the best they will ever look... I went because my Step Dad wanted to (to somehow assuage his guilt for not caring for her). It was 23 years ago and I still regret it. She looked fine when she died but a week later not so much. That said, as a child I saw my Grandad after he had died of cancer, he looked awful during the process of dying and quite lovely at the Chapel of Rest but he had been embalmed... Look, you have to do whatever you can do to help yourself. This might make you feel better and it may not, you cannot really tell until you get there. I am sorry to give you mixed messages but I think it reflects a true and mixed experience. Ask the advice of the undertaker too, it's ok to ask. Look after yourself xxxxx

@GardeningMummy Shit! I guess in the moments of grief we took what was said. 😬

Thank you for the info. 😁

I saw my Dad in the chapel of rest about 2-2.5 weeks after. It did and didn't look like him, but he didn't look like him when he died, so I think you need to keep an open mind.

He did look peaceful, and we dressed him smart (he was embalmed though), so the funeral director did it repectfully. It was more his obvious features (nose, hands) that really made him recognisable, but for me me it wasn't that bad, and it was still him. I said my goodbyes properly here, as the end were a hectic 48 hours for us, so it was really helpful. I left letters from family (he even had a packet of biscuits in his coffin for the journey to the afterlife).

I think if you have an open mind and know they could look a bit different you will be alright. You can have a peaceful moment to say goodbye without pressure. I think after 3 weeks it was advised to come as soon as possible as there were changes happening, but it will be different for everyone.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I'm assuming your mum won't be having a post mortem? Both my parents had them and I saw them afterwards. I really wish I hadn't as they didn't look like them. After my son died, I saw him before a post mortem and he just looked like him, asleep. I decided not to see him again after the pm and I'm happy with that.

Whatever you decide will be right for you.

I’m so sorry op, that’s so sad. Perhaps you can keep a little of her ashes? I think the post death rituals should also be about the ones left behind.
I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies (nurse). Speak to the funeral home before you visit and they can advise on how she is looking. Some decompose faster than others, especially if death follows an illness.
I think viewing a body can be of comfort. In my experience as soon as the person has died it is very obvious that ‘they/their soul’ is no longer there. It is therefore easier for relatives to come to terms with letting go of the physical self. But if the body is obviously decomposed it can be a harrowing experience.
If the body is doing ok I would expect her at this stage to look yellowing, pale and probably a bit shrunken.
Equally, don’t feel you have to visit. She is no longer here and won’t be aware.
All the best and take care of yourself.

Im so sorry I forgot to respond! I suppose what I am struggling with is, in such a short time, she didn't really look like my Mom either. Steroids had changed her face, her arms, her legs and even her skin. She had a moon face, paper thin skin on her hands and disproportionately thin ankles.
She has dentures but has not wore them since the begining of the year.
Previously I used to see her around once a month, due to both of us working and SD being a control freak.
I can not connect the dots. I feel as though the lady I have cared for the past few months and my Mom are different people.
Viewing is booked this week, I will make my mind up when I get there I suppose.
When I look back at pictures I took of her hands, a few hours after she passed, she did look slightly yellow. I have no idea either why I took them, but I keep looking at them too. I think I have lost my marbles x

Hi OP firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through this exact same dilemma in January after losing my Mum to brain cancer - it's such a cruel disease truly. Can I ask were you with your Mum when you died? I wasn't (care home didn't call me so I was on my way back assuming we still had some time) and so for me it was a big part of the closure seeing her body. My dad just died a couple of weeks ago and I don't feel any need to see him again as I know he's 'gone.'

I saw my Mum about ten days after she died - my husband went in first to check, I walked in saw her and she really didn't look like my Mum so I walked straight out again. I will say it did make the funeral easier as I felt my Mum had very much gone and I didn't feel sentimental saying goodbye to the coffin or anything, but I wouldn't say it's something I'd have needed to do if I'd been with her when she passed. I hope that's helpful. It's something I really agonised over.